My experiences

For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

Comments

Hi Vimal,

It's good that you're sharing your experiences. You convey classic symptoms of karma activating. It's clear your current life circumstances have kicked off past life regressions too. Many of these experiences will be interrelated - the energy interconnected.

So you may be experiencing emotional pain at something happening in this life right now, but it's source is much deeper buried into past life circumstances.

The way out is to work through it. To feel the emotions and pain, to fully honour them by feeling deeply in and then expressing through your body and mind - move with it, speak with it, let it out. If you get angry, find a way of releasing by bashing a cushion or something like that. Ground a lot in nature - literally lying on the ground. If you feel to cry, let that happen.

When you're in the height of the pain, look to open an inner doorway into pure presence - you do this by becoming the witnesser of the experience, so you steadily disassociate from it. When you can be watching the pain, but not needing it to go away, then you've become The One in it. Then it will go away through breathing and movement. It will steadily dissipate.

Here is the Openhand Approach to dealing with karmic source pain in more detail...
9 Step Approach for Dealing with Karmic Source Pain

Namaste

Open

Thanks so much for taking time to reply open. The 9 step healing process kind of makes sense but im guessing it can only be mastered with patience and persistence. I watched this lecture by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche in which he says to turn inwards into presence while experiencing mental and emotional pain.Taking care about the pain rather than being judgmental about it like one expects true support from another. That made lot of sense and i'm currently practicing that.
In the last post you suggested me that maybe i need to look for a step to change the narrative. With that in mind and also my necessity to change my experience i have a made a move to change my current circumstances and made plans to move from here to my home with my family within a month. But i do wonder how much of it is aligned with the flow or my own minds identity. But just the thought of moving from here gives me lot of joy even though i'm 'mentally' tied to here with some obligations which otherwise don't exist. I will miss being independent, living on my own and all the freedom but it will be worth it.
For the last 2 years i have been with the imagination that one is only following the flow if only something appears on the path with some kind of synchronistic support . This holds me back from making any kind of envisioning with my mind for the fear of turning into an identity. But i figure this concept that i have picked up is only another kind of identity which i don't have to concur with necessarily. I don't have to keep on feeling what im feeling as if there's no other way.Your current post again leaves me in a state of confusion. Well im gonna follow my mind anyway and dive into this fear of making a mistake.

Hi Vimal,

Let me ask, what does 'following the flow' actually mean to you? It feels like you're looking for synchronicity to tell you to do something. Sometimes this happens but not always.

Synchronicity tells us about three things depending where we are in the current cycle of soul integration. It will tell you about...

1. A distortion that you're currently confronting and creating in your life
2. An aspect of beingness that is wanting to come through
3. Right action that wants to flow from beingness

The flow is all about expressing who you are. Authentic creation follows that. It does not precede it. So each moment is inviting you to figure out how to be. Synchronicity will support that. But it will show you your distortion first - because that's what's limiting the flow of beingness. As you unravel the distortion and unleash authentic beingness, that's when synchronicity starts to reflect right action - the physical steps to take.

So take your current plan to move. It is not so much that you plan or feel to move that's important. It's: what does it bring up in the process? Where is the tightness? What does it create? If there's confusion, it feels like this is at the level of mind. So maybe thought led choices are governing the flow rather than allowing it to happen?

When the tightness comes up, work into it, in a way that Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche describes. Here's the crucial thing to get...

    It's not about whether you do or don't physically move. Movement will happen, but only authentic movement will happen from authentic being. If you're trying to logic the answer of what to do, the risk is to only manifest the distortion - in this case the confusion.

Will going back to your family offer more or less freedom?
Will you be more or less constrained?
Does the idea of it set your heart free?

Being independent is not always easy, but it does teach us about life and helps the soul to grow.

I'd say these are some considerations to work through. Then to honour any tightness - especially confusion - and work to soften into it.

Very best wishes

Open :-)

Yes the idea of it set my heart free( woohoo!). What was i holding onto anyway. No i wont be more constrained if only less. A lot of ideas in my head are getting in the way of making a right decision. Like i believed or still believe the path is only true if its hard and challenging. And if i quit on the hard times , then I'm missing on valuable opportunity for spiritual growth. I also believed things will present itself upon waiting and one doesn't have to search for anything like a job for instance. Its time i put these ideas to test and see whether its my ego doing all the talking.

Open you ask " what does the following the flow mean to me?" Its for me following and being in the time - space which best reflects my inner self - both my distortions and my gifts. I see I'm making the path to be an external one separate from me and there by holding on to it in some ways. Yes i was looking for synchronicity to tell me to do something because it has happened before there by i can make sure I'm making the right decision and will not walk into some blind alley which i dint have to take.

You ask an important one . Its not so much that you plan or feel to move that's important but what does it bring up in the process? Thanks for clearing a couple of things. I was much indulged in the act of moving i missed the real point. It brings a lot on the surface that i have to process out which involves the people I'm related to here.

Hey fellow openhanders,
It has been a month I have been travelling solo through india now. This was what I have always dreamt of doing but felt is beyond my reach. While sitting here overlooking the beautiful beach in goa writing this my heart is souring and flying free. Just the idea of going on and meeting new experiences everyday makes me smile and fills my heart with love which extends beyond. During these days I have met amazing people from different cultures all with similar interests and and warm heart. I have shared rooms with total strangers, rented bike and roamed around , trekked to mountains and glaciers and felt the connection. I have received help in need and given it when they needed them. I usually rarely move out of the circle and meets strangers but I have found a new aspect of me. I have been sick a couple of times , got frustrated and wanted to go home , but persisted long enough to think otherwise.
My smart phone was stolen a couple of days ago and I think it's a good sign to leave something behind , get vulnerable and dig deeper to unknown places within me.In my life I always kept myself busy and pretended to be independent. When I'm with people I know I judge myself to be not doing anything. It's different here, there's nothing to prove to anyone other than myself. Self doubt and unworthiness is another big challenge that keeps presenting.
I plan to learn surfing, buy a guitar an mp3 player find a cheaper place or maybe even move to the nearby jungle! and stay longer than I initially planned. In the end itd the little things that make me happy. I find the strength of my soul when i sing a play guitar for people. I hope I will keep finding newer aspects of me. I welcome and appreciate feedbacks. I will keep posting if I can find a connection. Thanks :)

That sounds awesome Vimal - an empowering thing to do. Finding yourself in the simple things.

Right on

Open *OK*

Hi Vimal,

Thank you for sharing, it sounds like a very rich and empowering experience for you in India.

"I find the strength of my soul when i sing a play guitar for people." beautiful to hear of such soulful and joyful expression - AHO!

With blessings for your onward journey,

Fiona

Thanks guys for the response. Always good to hear. As i planned i bought a guitar and something interesting happened. On that day i was walking through this restaurant with my guitar and this guy was playing there and was really good. They actually invited me to play there and i did. Everyone actually loved it and was buying me beer and everything. I was like wow! how did this happen so suddenly. I actually had no intention of playing anywhere, just wanted some solitude. That event has actually gave way to show lot of attachment i had and contrary to what i felt when i came here i feel down. Its synchronistic i saw opens article about "setbacks on the path and how to bounce back". One day i can feel so connected and energetic and the next day im feeling down again. I have to pick up the pieces and get back again.

My morning and evening meditation has shifted into a whole another level.Im able continuously to drop into a profound state of peace and acceptance. During which inner blockages seems to dissolve naturally without effort. Im able to let go of all efforting desires and expectation from the moment. Occasionally i slip back into mind chatter which has seemed to recede into the background. But once aware i can align with the peaceful state without regret and acceptance. It feels like i can be in this state forever and there is no need to do anything or be anywhere else. Subtle vibrations like the sound of birds and trees ,the gentle breeze , the sunlight through my bedroom window takes me through the blockages into presence. I can feel an increased sense of love and compassion for all life around and a responsibility towards them. I now see the joy in serving unconditionally to the divine.

For all my life i have efforted so much and and this was there all along.Im definetly not oblivious to the multitudes of blockages resting in the background waiting to come to the surface. Its interesting my life has brought me to this place, especially now i'm back at my home and i have almost no responsibility or a work i should be doing. When i look back i have passed through a circumstance similar to this 3 years before , a complete absence of all possession, a breakdown. But i was still seeking then and life has now completed a circle.

Fortunately my family has been caring mostly, i have been allowed to follow my will without much pressure. With that said i feel a subtle expectation for me to be doing something worthwhile like the rest. Im not sure whether its them or is it inside of me. Nevertheless I feel grateful for em and many other things especially openhand.
Thanks for reading :)

Yesterday and today while in meditation, i was efforting to drop into presence. After a while it became clear to me that even though my ego was owning the experience i was having,it was only my guiltiness, self blame for having done so which was coming in the way. Upon which i was able to let go and find peace and acceptance. The experience was a reminder of how patience,persistence and perseverance is as much as important as letting go and surrendering.

As a kid, i have grown up seeing a fair amount of fights between my mother and father. This has caused a lot of sadness for me and i have cried a lot back then whenever they had a fight. Like most parents they were oblivious as to how this will affect their children. I may have opted for my mother's side since i was more affectionate towards her and this has in turn caused a lot of judgment by me towards my father. He was careless and alcoholic back then and has caused a lot of pain for my mother and me and my brother were subconsciously thrown in to this drama. Fortunately our family dynamic has become peaceful now but i seem to carry some sort of judgement towards him. Being 'spiritual' he has become mostly quiet now and this prevents any direct confrontation with him. I find myself desperately trying to prove his ways wrong to my mother. His ways maybe right or wrong but how does that affect my state.

Another one of these things that struck me today was how i was denied affection from my father. I have tried to suppress my anger and frustration at this thinking that somehow this is wrong. But is there something wrong with longing for affection and love from father. Absolutely not.

Hi Open, thanks for your question.

I have considered it and it generates anxiety. Yes obviously he would listen, he wouldn't run away or anything. Even Though he is spiritual he is kinda closed onto himself and would never share his feelings. And when i picture the situation in my mind it is kindof embarrassing and don't feel like going down that path. I could force myself to do something like that but wouldn't that make the situation kind of worse. There's already a kind of energetic tension between us which is accepted as a norm. How easier it would have been if he wasn't in denial. But i really hear you it could be a good opportunity for growth for myself and him. . I will maybe wait for the right moment to open myself.

"You cant take the step before you are ready but you can move your energy in the direction your soul is calling " ?

And btw open, i have started going to yoga classes and i'm so in love with it. It has opened up my experiences to whole new level within days, like kapalbhati pranayam for instance. And the tutor is excellent ,he can spot the moment i go out of the flow.

Vimal

In my experience everything I "see" in others is in myself too. Reread your post with this in mind and see what realizations you have about yourself. Namaste, Brother

Thanks for your insight eddie.

I really doubt if 'everything' i see in others is in myself too. But i can see the truth in what you are saying brother, that occured to me today. Thanks for pointing it out

Vimal

The one thing that stops me from harmonizing with the moment , to be allowed to swim in is expectation. In every experience i would have an expectancy that it would be or has to go a certain way in my mind. Paradoxically it is the very thing that take away the juice of the moment and obstruct the expression of fullness of it.

Im reminded of what lesley said in one of the openhand videos.

"When we pluck the big weeds, the obvious ones from the garden ,what will appear is more than a bunch of smaller ones just waiting to plucked"

This is the very thing with desires. When i encounter and transcend the obvious desires like of material possession or ambition for instance, what may appear is hidden desires of the moment just lurking in the corner waiting to be dealt with.

I was at a beautiful hill station yesterday, overlooking the magnificent western ghats. With chilling wind and the sun majestically glowing in the distance, there was nothing the place lacked but yet i was sad. I was sad that couldn't enjoy the scenery as i wanted it to be. I was efforting for it to be something more, efforting for a lack of effort and acceptance. But still at moments like this the only thing which we can do is to let go of any expectation, a need for it to be different and soften into the moment. To maybe accept that there is always another chance, this time maybe i'm invited to learn my lessons. With that i maybe able to notice the subtle vibrations inside , like the sound of a bird maybe and that would built up to a whole new experience that i wasn't looking for in the first place.

Everyone of such moment counts. With each softening , letting go i can express with greater clarity which in turn will boost my expansion. This takes a degree of trust , that i don't have to effort or struggle to make my creative expressions beautiful. It will happen on its own accord , if i lean to let go and instead give attention to the emotions and feelings and be with the energy of the moment.

Hi Vimal,

You said...

    "This is the very thing with desires. When i encounter and transcend the obvious desires like of material possession or ambition for instance, what may appear is hidden desires of the moment just lurking in the corner waiting to be dealt with."

Yes indeed. When you start peeling back the layers, you keep discovering new ones to unfold. This is fine - it means you keep having new expansions, although yes, knowing there's always more to do can be a bit frustrating at first - keep accepting it's never about getting anywhere - to a particular state for example. It's all a continual unfolding learning journey.

To me, in reading your posts over the years, it sounds like you know what you have to do, have a good overview of your process, and are doing wonderfully in the inquiry. So just keep right on going!

Blessings

Open *OK*

Hi open,

You said "it's never about getting anywhere - to a particular state for example. It's all a continual unfolding learning journey"

I know this intellectually but to know it as a realization is an entirely different thing. That could be a game changer and could take away a lot efforting. When will that happen? Then again i have made that into a particular state. lol

I know what i'm doing only because i have borrowed it from Openhand. I'm right behind ya!

With love

Vimal :)

I had the most weirdest dream yesterday. Wierd as it may have been it felt entirely real that is until i woke up.

In the dream i die in an accident and reincarnate at the same age and place with a disfigured face. Now i'm at some important job , returning a favour for my friend. I wonder how anything could be important when you have just incarnated LOL. Anyway when i reach there someone else is already at it and i join him at his house. I meet a lady doctor there with the same disfigured face who tells me that our faces cant be fixed. At this point i don't want to continue the journey any further , realizing this is all just a game anyway and i could try again. So we conspire to die together but the plan goes awfully wrong. I got myself thinking i could have continued my journey like this and worked out my karma. But its too late and i get shot in my forehead by man with a gun. I remember smiling and making a funny face as i collapse to the floor. There is a deep letting go and instinctively i know i'm having a review of my journey so far(maybe its because i read Breakthrough the night before). Im dragged across the room and projected upwards all the while regretting that i don't want to review this journey and let me have the previous one. I wake up at this point.

This came to me while i sat in meditation today - i wasn't trying to figure it or logic it out so it may aswell be close.

The death in accident may represent the first real blow my ego received 3 years before and this could be perceived as the pre-awakening period. After that happened although there was great joy in the new found me, my life was also seriously 'disfigured' with a dropping out of college ,change of living place and all. Following that i was caught up in various things in my outer life which i thought was 'important'. But looking back now i see how those things have served its purpose. The effort to move forwards or progress have all failed represented by the 'failed attempt' that is until i accept the painstakingly obvious - the awesomeness of what was already me. The bullet in my head may represent the second blow to the ego which i received with little surprise and much anticipation. This could be Gateway 1 or Awakening. Following that the soul has risen from the depths represented by the 'lifes review' only to sunken back to apparent desires , need for validation ,need to progress and so forth. I wake up to the now - me .

It also gives powerful pointers as to where i'm at in the spiritual journey and what i could do to assist it further. The dream is supported synchronistically by Open's new post about the review of 5 gateways. So this can also be counted as my sharing of the journey and where i'm at now :)

Hi open,

While i sit in meditation i can feel a huge tightness in my pelvic area. It also connects with similar tightness in left hip, left ilium and thighs. I have been feeling the tightness in pelvic area for years now but now that im doing yoga i can feel it even more. I guess it also connects with the sacral chakra and emotional body and much of it relates with what i'm feeling and working through in relationship with my family and others. I also had an operation in the pelvic area many years before so i guess its not really a minor issue. I have been breathing and softening into it which eases the pain but it always comeback ever strongly afterwards. I guess i have to find acceptance for the pain and many other things im going through. I also imagine a ball of light or the sun burning brightly which provides some relief but i doubt if its some kind of avoidance technique. Apart from these i really doubt if had any breakthrough at all. Is there something more i can do about it?

Hi Vimal,

Greetings - it's nice to hear from you again :-)

It sounds very much to me like you've activated past life karma. It sounds like some kind of traumatic accident. It feels like a smashed pelvis from some fall or something.

When these kick off, they will often have a powerful physical effect. But rather than bringing light into them, the important thing is to work into your non-acceptance of it. This is where we become The One in the experience - by not resisting or denying the experience. Whatever fears it may activate or generate, keep working into those and accepting the worst possible outcome. When you have this level of acceptance, then the fragment of soul causing it will reintegrate and the karma dissolve.

I had something similar recently - all the ligaments in one knee shattered. I could hardly walk for several weeks. But I knew it was a realignment and so just accepted it, got on with things and allowed consciousness to work with it. Now it's healing well.

I would suggest keep doing the body work with it. Keep noticing your fears and work into them. Work to accept things as they are without needing to change. Then healing will happen by itself. Reflect on the 9step healing process...

http://www.openhandweb.org/9_Step_Spiritual_Healing_Process_for_dealing…

Wishing you well

Open *give_rose*

I just came back to edit my previous post with some new insights. Thanks for the reply open. I was guessing its the stored emotional pain im working with. Never imagined its karma activating. I will work with it and get back. I will post the edit here coz i have typed it up anyway.

I want to take back what that i said " i doubt if i had any breakthrough at all" . Actually i have had many breakthroughs. Increasingly im able to accept my family as they are without needing to change them, for them to understand what im going through. Im also able to be myself more and more. I have worked ot feelings of unworthiness to a degree and i can see where im being dependent to some. I just had a powerful and moving meditation where i was reminded of all these things. That's the power of sharing i guess, immediately afterwards i will see things in an other perspective. But its just that the physical pain that i talked about eems have not receded much in intensity and its hard to sit for longer time in meditation and sometimes it gets frustrating. Maybe there are many layers to it.

Why is there so much pain in expressing passion. I feel i want to throw it all away and rest peacefully. That would be easy and comfortable. I can easily find joy and contentment in the other things i do. Maybe its just the my ego which wants to cling on something like passion and chase all my life. Maybe it is something else which i haven't found yet and will eventually in my journey. But yet it is always there to bite me in the tail. I have found love appreciation and satisfaction while i play guitar and sing in front of people. There has been moments of pure magic and spontaneity. Moments where i have stepped outside my shell and found new aspects. That's what telling me to go on. But yet when i pick up the guitar now i'm faced with emotional pain such as anger ,frustration , jealousy,unworthiness. Why does it have to be so hard. Why is there so much efforting and i can't seem to stop efforting. Yet i see so many people expressing smoothly and easily. Yes there must have been years of grafting but i cant for one moment imagine anyone going through such feelings of unworthiness to get there. I believe i really don't want to get anywhere. What i can i possibly do to stop efforting. Something tells me to push on , keep feeling and accepting the pain because that's what really matters. But yet there is doubt and disbelief and resistance, because there is no hope. I feel i'm not good enough.

Dear Vimal,

I feel you here brother. Your experience mirrors my own musical expression in many ways. It's still hard for me to express like this.

Have you considered expressing your pain through your music?

Vimal, I find your sharings very truthful, insightful and full of passion. I appreciate these qualities very much and I feel that they can be invaluable guides to the path of liberation.
You say: “I have found love appreciation and satisfaction while i play guitar and sing in front of people. There has been moments of pure magic and spontaneity. Moments where i have stepped outside my shell and found new aspects. That's what telling me to go on.”
Such a beautifully amazing beingness! Very inspiring!
And then you say: “But yet when i pick up the guitar now i'm faced with emotional pain such as anger ,frustration , jealousy, unworthiness.”
And I honestly respond back to you AND also remind myself in the process: what another amazing and interesting way of being! Isn’t anger interesting?! What amazing energy! ‘Frustration’, a phenomenon worth honouring?! Again, immense amount of energy. Similarly, jealousy and unworthiness. I am reminding myself that all these aspects of oneself are an invite to start seeing clearly, to really attend to with as much love and appreciation as possible. I personally understand that our practice involves ‘right effort’: the effort more of surrender, of letting go, rather than trying to attain something. It's surrender to be in each moment in a balanced (as less attached as possible to non-attached – it’s a continuum!) way. I feel that that’s what Open’s new article is explaining in much more depth and breath.
Energy is the factor behind ‘right effort’ and it can manifest in either wholesome (undistorted) or unwholesome (distorted) forms. I appreciate the energy a lot and try to work with that without attaching (as best as poss!) labels to the experiences (especially the labels that the self-critic has learnt to attach…). Well, for me, it’s a work in progress :) That precious energy of unworthiness for example, is to be transmuted and transformed because it is the mud where the lotus grows in and through. And I can see how expressing and honouring pain through music and in my case, dance and movement is a way of transmuting and loving at the same time. Nothing to fix in ourselves and in doing so (or undoing) we transform and transmute to who we already are.

Warm wishes fellow traveller :)

Some great advice and support Rich and Aspasia - wonderful.

Vimal, there's a crucial point to grasp: you are awesomely good enough just being you.

No one else, not even the most advanced 'guru', could ever be as good as you, at being you.

The challenge is that a lot of the time, we've been conditioned to be someone else, or like someone else. It's then hard when we feel we don't live up to that - it's an impossible goal.

So I'd also suggest spending time just exploring you, as you are, right in the moment, without doing a single thing. That's always going to be good enough, for who you are, right now. Nothing else needs to be done to attain this.

When you can feel self acceptance in the simplest of moments, then it helps unwind the distortions when the soul engages itself in more complex adventures.

You're doing great. You're deep into the inquiry. So no worries.

Sending love

Open *OK*

I appreciate the feedback Richard, Aspasia and open. It all really means so much.

I recognize there is a lot of attachment to an outcome in what i'm saying. There is so much talk about effortlessness and non - attachment. Yet i ask is it not through the apparent effort one finds the path of least resistance and effortlessness. Is it not through feeling the attachment one finds the non - attachment. Is there any other choice? As you say open when there is attachment and expectation whatever one does for it will not be ever good enough - it's an impossible goal.But if i feel the pain is it not advisable to keep doing that - to step willingly into the path of pain.

Richard maybe i don't have to necessarily try to express my pain through music because i'm already doing that now in the process. And honestly i haven't smoothed up my expression to do that easily.

Aspasia i especially like what you said to embrace the anger and frustration just like love and appreciation because everything is energy. But it's not easy is it.

Open i really honour you suggestion to spend time without doing a single thing. I actually spend a quite good amount of time like that and also doing the simplest of things. But i will keep that in mind :)

Hi Vimal

Yes, it's a bit of a conundrum. I'd say start by accepting yourself as much as you can. Then allow the soul to flow. Work on the tightness that comes up, yes, but it's important not to get sucked into a constant spiral of that. Work as hard as you can, but then let go and soften into complete self acceptance too. It's a balance.

Open *OK*

Thank you for this continuous exploration. I felt to connect now because it is fresh in my mind and heart.

Let me clarify though where my energy is coming from when posting. It’s from a wish to ‘connect more’ rather than giving any kind of advice, if you like. It’s through connecting, sharing and co-creating with you that I also integrate, reflect on, practice and embody.

Yes, you are right, it’s not easy to embrace anger etc – not at all! That’s why it’s a constant, never ending adventure! And here is what you say: “Yet i ask is it not through the apparent effort one finds the path of least resistance and effortlessness. Is it not through feeling the attachment one finds the non - attachment. Is there any other choice?”

This is very insightful inquiry for me! You nailed it here! I agree that it is in feeling through the ‘efforting’ that you then come to know ‘non-efforting’ and it is through feeling ‘attachment’ that one comes to know and experience ‘non-attachment’. I resonate with this a lot. So what do we mean by ‘feeling’? What is the attitude of feeling, or in other words how does one feel? Is my feeling embracing and accepting or pushing away the ‘attachment’ as it manifests in emotion, which is part of myself in this moment? Both ways will happen. Sometimes there will be pushing away, sometimes embracing. Both are experiences that I can learn from. Yet to learn, I feel that I need to be vigilant of self-judgement and how this affects me…it adds another layer of pain and attachment, if you like.

Open says: “So I'd also suggest spending time just exploring you, as you are, right in the moment”. I understand this as accepting, embracing, being curious and interested in the ‘attachment’ (as it manifests in emotion). I feel this as working with energy without hooking onto my judgements about the attachment (these are the labels of ‘good’ and ‘bad’). Then by feeling through like this, there is a natural opening that happens without you having to do anything. Open verbalises and expands on it as follows: “I'd say start by accepting yourself as much as you can. Then allow the soul to flow.”

Love the inquiry Vimal, thank you for including me in this learning process.
Warm wishes

I spend considerable time yesterday just doing nothing watching the birds , the tress, listening to them, feeling the wind coming through the bedroom window. It was beautiful. Took some of the pressure away. I was completely sucked up in the process i missed it. Thanks for reminding me again

Aspasia you said " Then by feeling through like this, there is a natural opening that happens without you having to do anything"

Yes ! See , i haven't fully come to terms with this. For me there is still me who has to do something to go through the process. I'm not ready to let go of that part yet. Maybe its the fear that if i let go i will lose an important spiritual part of me. The ego wants to cling on to something if its not the next gateway then maybe a passion - something to avoid the nothingness. When im in the process i get absorbed in it that the inquiry becomes the inquirer. Reminds me to never take things too seriously. I should learn to honour the uniqueness of each moment and learn when to surrender and when to push forward.

I went to see a movie yesterday "Trapped". Its about a guy who gets trapped in a deserted apartment in mumbai ,struggles to maintain life and eventually finds his way out. The movie was well received but i doubt if anyone has truly seen the metaphor that's being presented there. I was driving back home through traffic and it struck me very clearly how we are actually trapped in a very real 3D world with its apparent desires and fears. Society has been perfectly constructed to lure us in ,never to suspect that it's not the end but only a doorway to more expanded states of beingness. Here is the trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJaj39jI-qk

Vimal, your nature connection sounds lovely.

Yes I agree, it is a learning process and we take it step by step indeed. It’s not an easy journey/dance…and ‘not taking things too seriously’ is such a great reminder - thanks. :)

You see the attitude of not taking things too seriously demonstrates a level of trust that can grow. Trust is acquired gradually and through difficulties and challenges. I have been feeling through the multidimensionality of trust for many years now. And I am currently working on this more. I find that trust is the backbone of surrender, it is also a risky affair :) Personally, on many levels, I have a lot of trust in myself because of many trials I have gone through and lots of risks I have taken. And there are other levels that there is insecurity and fear, mostly in relation to wanting to be independent, free (physically, mentally and spiritually) and also financially secure. I can feel trapped (looks like a great movie!) in a society/culture/group/relationship that oppresses. Or that I perceive that it is oppressive by being authoritarian or patriarchal or hierarchical or elitistic or manipulative or unfair/unjust or consumerist (greed, neediness etc). And yet, as you say: “Society has been perfectly constructed to lure us in, never to suspect that it's not the end but only a doorway to more expanded states of beingness.” Indeed, the conditions manifest for me to feel through the resistances and fear by way of ‘ruthless trust’ - I love this term coined by Brennan Manning, a priest, author and speaker. An unconditional trust in the divine at all times – wow! That’s what Open talks about too, isn’t it?

On a different note, have you watched the movie: “Dr Babasaheb Ambedkar – the untold truth?”. I watched it a couple of weeks ago and understood a lot more about the life of a great Indian revolutionary and the politics at that time. If you have watched it (or will watch it), let me know what you think.

Warm wishes

When i feel something like compassion , commitment or a will to follow a vegan diet or so then immediately it is followed by a question whether i'm being authentic or am i just pretending. Is it the soul coming through here? I do believe it's not possible to be authentic when there is much of conditioning in the way. When i was contemplating this i had a flashback from my childhood when i was teased and scolded for pretending to get love and attention. So maybe its this judgement i'm carrying towards every action. Scared that if i pretend then maybe i will get judged.

Two days ago i had a fierce argument with my brother where he was accusing me for not doing anything or efforting for some goal. I was naive to believe that i was over this drama but found myself arguing and fighting for my truth. I found myself imagining to punch him for not recognizing my truth and preaching all over me without any slightest consideration. It's probably my need of acceptance , to be heard and recognized.I recognize i also project this conditioning towards openhand. I so want them to know that i'm actually doing something valuable here and not wasting my time. I was met with a very 'know -all' smile from my father and it occurred to me again that subconsciously maybe i'm trying to be like him all peaceful and disconnected from the drama. I wanted to shout at him that pretending to be all peaceful is not actually going to work and this is just
a temporary amnesia. I have heard from my mother a couple of times that how i was proposed to be rejected before i was born by my father and it's she who had to fight for me. So maybe i'm carrying this lack of acceptance from him. This is a bit hard to post openly here but i'm doing it anyway. I was disconnected from my peace till yesterday , recognizing and working through tightness in my body. I had some
interesting realization about 'surrender to what is ' and 'non judgement of the moment'. Synchronistically it rained yesterday evening when i was working through this and it helped a lot to just let go ,unwind and rejuvenate. Im also seeing a fair bit of synchronicities out in nature. But my mind immediately questions the validity of it. Was it authentic or am i just imagining (pretending) things. I will share some interesting ones.
This crow landed on a banana leaf outside my bedroom and started peeling away the leaf for no obvious reasons jumping back and forth between two leaves. Then it landed on me(?) thats its me peeling away layers of my ego. The same banana tree was broken in half following the rain and just when i thought it's my ego that's broken in half a crow landed on the half indicating that theres always to work more. I also notice ambulance sirens every time i'm meditating indicating the death of ego perhaps. In other one i posed a question about how to discern between soul and ego and a robin landed in front of me in that instant. Maybe saying there is spontaneity and righteousness to the soul's impulse.

The learning process is getting quite interesting and fun. I will admit it doesnt seem not at all like that at times. Today i had the realization that i only judge my family because i see those aspects in myself and i'm judging myself. The impact of these has started to reflect around me too like my mother who is finding her sovereignty and has started to take decision for herself. Seeing another breakaway from their shell brings a lot of happiness whatever the consequence. But it was only possible when i found a part of my own independence with her and eased the attachment. Interesting stuff! I feel a bit more at ease.

Hi Vimal, i can totally resonate with your experience. I do feel that subtle judgements we hold agains ourselves reflects in outside and even in openhand community. In fact, openhand community acts as a perfect reflection of those subtle identities we hold. So it is great that you are being authentic with your feelings.

Hi Anatoly,

Its reassuring that you can resonate with what im saying. Here i thought i was alone with the openhand thing. I project the need for a paternal figure towards other males in my life i consider important especially open - getting frustrated when i feel rejection. I feel this is a huge one which needs persistence to work through. Another one is how there is a tendency to project a better image of me here - more evolved , better insights and better english skills. I also feel inadequate that i cant make it to the courses and doubt that if its holding me back. This stems from the egoic desire to progress which is the biggest challenge of all and paradoxically closes me down.

Your experiences with the higher self sounds lovely.

Wishing you well :)

Vimal

It landed on me that the part of me which is seeking attention from everybody has got to do with my mother than father. That's exactly been happening with her lately. With me needing my personal space i have been denying her attention seeking to some extend which created frustration within her and judgement. But eventually she is finding her own independence with it. She does not need to be spiritual to do this. But i was also carrying this self judgment that to seek attention is somehow wrong and feeling negativity. I can safely let go of this judgement now. When realizations like this landed its immediately owned by the ego creating a whole narration based on it which closes the connection down. I will get used to this. A question i could ask myself is if all this sharing is helping me or hindering the process coz if it doesn't all of this is a moo point(from Friends! lol) I can definitely see myself here because sharing here acts as a good mirror and there need not be any shame in it. But i doubt it all adds to the narration in my head.Tough call! But i like writing(rambling) too so that's two for sharing!

Today i went to a temple nearby to check out the pond there, see if i could swim there sometime. There was an elephant which 'belonged' to the temple trust tied its both legs onto a pole . I sat there and i wanted to feel its energy more - how it feels to be exposed , alone and treated by the people there with utter disrespect and no consideration as a sentient being. For a while i wanted to 'teach' him something , have a conversation with him, tell him that i feel his suffering and how it means to be free. Only after a while of trying did it dawn on me that there is whatsoever no difference between the freedom he and i feels. I'm not here to teach at all but to learn. We as humanity are tied in the same way in the matrix - fed and farmed. At the moment a judgement i was holding on to myself fell away. With the people there, temple playing loud music , the traffic nearby and me came into the bigger picture. I could feel a connection and see as open talks about how this is a theatre playing out karma and pain of existence. I wanted to blame the people there for the his suffering but i couldn't. With these realizations he was nodding his head ,maybe it's just my imagination but i like to think so.
Another thing that connects with the learning experience is how im supposed to teach children mathematics in a centre nearby. Operating there according to their code of conduct with this concept in mind could be a difficult job.

Hi open,

I smoke weed very rarely and i have both deep positive and negative experience. Often it goes way too negative and experience entity attacks and i think maybe i don't want to do this again. But then again i also have strong realizations and bliss which takes me back. Moreover i feel tired and heavy days after and nothing improves it however i imagine it. I know it got to do with attachment to peak experiences. I struggle to keep it in balance which i know i dont have to. How would i improve this dynamic?

Hi Vimal,

Yes weed and other drugs have both positive and negative effects. If what you're doing is opening you up to entity attacks, then it would be seriously worth questioning the value of it.

It would be worth exploring what other practices bring that same same of expansion and bliss - also with deep realisations.

Have you tried fasting for example? Even if only for a full day (or two).
Or if you like strong stimulus, fasting and then drinking strong coffee.
This is very unlikely to have the kind of negative affects you mention.

Have you also tried deep pranyama breathing - a kind of hyper ventilating. This can have profound effects too - but also not to get addicted to!

I would personally explore other methods.

Wishing you well

Open *OK*

Hi open,

Thanks for the kind and non judgmental space you provide. Before awakening i had an undesirable experience mainly involving my mother when i was high on weed. I still carry the energy and this is the channel through which the entity attack now occurs. So i think it also provides the opportunity to confront it. How much honesty can one bring in relationships without distracting the well functioning dynamic. And is absolute honesty necessary?

I have explored fasting and pranayama breathing but i doubt if they can bring in the same expansion. But is there long term negative effect and does it hinder the path if tried occasionally without the risk of being addicted. I know i have to let it go in the near future and it doesn't serve me but it keeps coming back and its not easy.

Yes, it's a great question Vimal...

    "How much honesty can one bring in relationships without distracting the well functioning dynamic?"

How can a relationship be well functioning without honesty?
That sounds to me like a relationship founded only in illusion.

I certainly do think there are times to be 'economical with the truth' - where you know that if you express a certain thing, it's likely to push buttons to the point of exploding the connection. But that isn't to be false. Simply careful about how you express your truth.

And remember, silence can also be a profound expression of truth. So for example, what I often observe in many traditional 'relationships', is how the unconscious try to pull you into their reality construct so as to justify and maintain it. They'll often say things that solicit your agreement and approval. You don't have to disagree, but then you don't have to agree either!

You go on to say that fasting and pranayama breathing don't have the same expansion (as weed). My sense is that this is directly related to being honest in relationships. How so? Because if we're not aligned in our expression, then we build density in the various bodily vehicles of expression - because we're not being truthful with ourselves and the outer world (which causes internal stress and thus the build up of dense energy - also pulling in entities). Thus pranayama won't be fully able to penetrate and expand through these vehicles without actually dealing with the density. Here's a crucial point that is often misunderstood about such spiritual work...

    When you conduct balanced and aligned spiritual practice, like pranayama, chakra attunement and yoga, they will naturally activate the internal density, which then projects into your outer world, thus inviting you to work on aligning the behaviours - such as honesty in relationships for example. This will open up and cleanse those bodily vehicles, thus facilitating much greater expansion.

What weed does (and a lot of other drugs), is temporarily take you out of the body and out of the density in these vehicles. The expansion feels nice, and yes, you will connect with your higher self where you'll receive some great intuitions.

    But, how about living with those intuitions constantly flowing through you - as a way of life?

In which case, you must work on the lower behaviourisms, clear the density, integrate the soul through those vehicles and connect the lower self to higher self through full kundalini activation. That's what the 5GATEWAYS work is all about. It's not glamorous, it's certainly not a quick fix (no quick fix ever really fixes anything!) and it does require consistent application and hard work. But it pays off.

These days, when I do the Openhand Breakthrough Breathing (which is based on pranayama) together with the Openhand Bow, within a few minutes, the infusion of light is so strong, it feels like my whole body is dematerialising. The expansive effect is indescribable. But it did take a lot of practice, over many years (and lifetimes) to get there. There are no short cuts on the path.

Wishing you well

Open *give_rose*