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For the last couple of weeks i have been going through lot of emotional and mental pain with frustration anger and dissatisfaction. I was with the belief it has got something to do with my life situations and hence wanting to move on from my current place and work. Now i get that my situations only acts as a trigger to some pain seated much deeper.
Last night when i went deeper into the pain i had the experience which is think is karmic related. I have had this experience maybe even from childhood but this time it was much more intense. I did not experience any physical pain as such but it was very much like being tortured or killed. Please pardon me if im drawing any false conclusion. I had the fear of going deeper with it and couldnt think clear because of the mental fog or chaos i was in. I havent got any idea really how to deal with this pain or experience. This morning i was left with the same old uncomfortable feeling. How long would i have to go through this until i can find an opening.

Vimal

Open's picture

Hi Vimal,

It's good that you're sharing your experiences. You convey classic symptoms of karma activating. It's clear your current life circumstances have kicked off past life regressions too. Many of these experiences will be interrelated - the energy interconnected.

So you may be experiencing emotional pain at something happening in this life right now, but it's source is much deeper buried into past life circumstances.

The way out is to work through it. To feel the emotions and pain, to fully honour them by feeling deeply in and then expressing through your body and mind - move with it, speak with it, let it out. If you get angry, find a way of releasing by bashing a cushion or something like that. Ground a lot in nature - literally lying on the ground. If you feel to cry, let that happen.

When you're in the height of the pain, look to open an inner doorway into pure presence - you do this by becoming the witnesser of the experience, so you steadily disassociate from it. When you can be watching the pain, but not needing it to go away, then you've become The One in it. Then it will go away through breathing and movement. It will steadily dissipate.

Here is the Openhand Approach to dealing with karmic source pain in more detail...
9 Step Approach for Dealing with Karmic Source Pain

Namaste

Open

Vimal V's picture

Thanks so much for taking time to reply open. The 9 step healing process kind of makes sense but im guessing it can only be mastered with patience and persistence. I watched this lecture by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche in which he says to turn inwards into presence while experiencing mental and emotional pain.Taking care about the pain rather than being judgmental about it like one expects true support from another. That made lot of sense and i'm currently practicing that.
In the last post you suggested me that maybe i need to look for a step to change the narrative. With that in mind and also my necessity to change my experience i have a made a move to change my current circumstances and made plans to move from here to my home with my family within a month. But i do wonder how much of it is aligned with the flow or my own minds identity. But just the thought of moving from here gives me lot of joy even though i'm 'mentally' tied to here with some obligations which otherwise don't exist. I will miss being independent, living on my own and all the freedom but it will be worth it.
For the last 2 years i have been with the imagination that one is only following the flow if only something appears on the path with some kind of synchronistic support . This holds me back from making any kind of envisioning with my mind for the fear of turning into an identity. But i figure this concept that i have picked up is only another kind of identity which i don't have to concur with necessarily. I don't have to keep on feeling what im feeling as if there's no other way.Your current post again leaves me in a state of confusion. Well im gonna follow my mind anyway and dive into this fear of making a mistake.

Open's picture

Hi Vimal,

Let me ask, what does 'following the flow' actually mean to you? It feels like you're looking for synchronicity to tell you to do something. Sometimes this happens but not always.

Synchronicity tells us about three things depending where we are in the current cycle of soul integration. It will tell you about...

1. A distortion that you're currently confronting and creating in your life
2. An aspect of beingness that is wanting to come through
3. Right action that wants to flow from beingness

The flow is all about expressing who you are. Authentic creation follows that. It does not precede it. So each moment is inviting you to figure out how to be. Synchronicity will support that. But it will show you your distortion first - because that's what's limiting the flow of beingness. As you unravel the distortion and unleash authentic beingness, that's when synchronicity starts to reflect right action - the physical steps to take.

So take your current plan to move. It is not so much that you plan or feel to move that's important. It's: what does it bring up in the process? Where is the tightness? What does it create? If there's confusion, it feels like this is at the level of mind. So maybe thought led choices are governing the flow rather than allowing it to happen?

When the tightness comes up, work into it, in a way that Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche describes. Here's the crucial thing to get...

    It's not about whether you do or don't physically move. Movement will happen, but only authentic movement will happen from authentic being. If you're trying to logic the answer of what to do, the risk is to only manifest the distortion - in this case the confusion.

Will going back to your family offer more or less freedom?
Will you be more or less constrained?
Does the idea of it set your heart free?

Being independent is not always easy, but it does teach us about life and helps the soul to grow.

I'd say these are some considerations to work through. Then to honour any tightness - especially confusion - and work to soften into it.

Very best wishes

Open Smile

Vimal V's picture

Yes the idea of it set my heart free( woohoo!). What was i holding onto anyway. No i wont be more constrained if only less. A lot of ideas in my head are getting in the way of making a right decision. Like i believed or still believe the path is only true if its hard and challenging. And if i quit on the hard times , then I'm missing on valuable opportunity for spiritual growth. I also believed things will present itself upon waiting and one doesn't have to search for anything like a job for instance. Its time i put these ideas to test and see whether its my ego doing all the talking.

Open you ask " what does the following the flow mean to me?" Its for me following and being in the time - space which best reflects my inner self - both my distortions and my gifts. I see I'm making the path to be an external one separate from me and there by holding on to it in some ways. Yes i was looking for synchronicity to tell me to do something because it has happened before there by i can make sure I'm making the right decision and will not walk into some blind alley which i dint have to take.

You ask an important one . Its not so much that you plan or feel to move that's important but what does it bring up in the process? Thanks for clearing a couple of things. I was much indulged in the act of moving i missed the real point. It brings a lot on the surface that i have to process out which involves the people I'm related to here.

Vimal V's picture

Hey fellow openhanders,
It has been a month I have been travelling solo through india now. This was what I have always dreamt of doing but felt is beyond my reach. While sitting here overlooking the beautiful beach in goa writing this my heart is souring and flying free. Just the idea of going on and meeting new experiences everyday makes me smile and fills my heart with love which extends beyond. During these days I have met amazing people from different cultures all with similar interests and and warm heart. I have shared rooms with total strangers, rented bike and roamed around , trekked to mountains and glaciers and felt the connection. I have received help in need and given it when they needed them. I usually rarely move out of the circle and meets strangers but I have found a new aspect of me. I have been sick a couple of times , got frustrated and wanted to go home , but persisted long enough to think otherwise.
My smart phone was stolen a couple of days ago and I think it's a good sign to leave something behind , get vulnerable and dig deeper to unknown places within me.In my life I always kept myself busy and pretended to be independent. When I'm with people I know I judge myself to be not doing anything. It's different here, there's nothing to prove to anyone other than myself. Self doubt and unworthiness is another big challenge that keeps presenting.
I plan to learn surfing, buy a guitar an mp3 player find a cheaper place or maybe even move to the nearby jungle! and stay longer than I initially planned. In the end itd the little things that make me happy. I find the strength of my soul when i sing a play guitar for people. I hope I will keep finding newer aspects of me. I welcome and appreciate feedbacks. I will keep posting if I can find a connection. Thanks Smile

Open's picture

That sounds awesome Vimal - an empowering thing to do. Finding yourself in the simple things.

Right on

Open Ok

Cynthia Sham Rang's picture

Way to go Vimal....my heart has expanded to Goa and back!! Such a sense of liberation..
Awesomely awesome!

Fiona Reilly's picture

Hi Vimal,

Thank you for sharing, it sounds like a very rich and empowering experience for you in India.

"I find the strength of my soul when i sing a play guitar for people." beautiful to hear of such soulful and joyful expression - AHO!

With blessings for your onward journey,

Fiona

divinespark's picture

Vimal! So inspiring to read about your kickass walkabout. Such a bold and courageous way of being to come home to who you truly are. Right with you.

Much Love,

Cathy

Vimal V's picture

Thanks guys for the response. Always good to hear. As i planned i bought a guitar and something interesting happened. On that day i was walking through this restaurant with my guitar and this guy was playing there and was really good. They actually invited me to play there and i did. Everyone actually loved it and was buying me beer and everything. I was like wow! how did this happen so suddenly. I actually had no intention of playing anywhere, just wanted some solitude. That event has actually gave way to show lot of attachment i had and contrary to what i felt when i came here i feel down. Its synchronistic i saw opens article about "setbacks on the path and how to bounce back". One day i can feel so connected and energetic and the next day im feeling down again. I have to pick up the pieces and get back again.

Vimal V's picture

My morning and evening meditation has shifted into a whole another level.Im able continuously to drop into a profound state of peace and acceptance. During which inner blockages seems to dissolve naturally without effort. Im able to let go of all efforting desires and expectation from the moment. Occasionally i slip back into mind chatter which has seemed to recede into the background. But once aware i can align with the peaceful state without regret and acceptance. It feels like i can be in this state forever and there is no need to do anything or be anywhere else. Subtle vibrations like the sound of birds and trees ,the gentle breeze , the sunlight through my bedroom window takes me through the blockages into presence. I can feel an increased sense of love and compassion for all life around and a responsibility towards them. I now see the joy in serving unconditionally to the divine.

For all my life i have efforted so much and and this was there all along.Im definetly not oblivious to the multitudes of blockages resting in the background waiting to come to the surface. Its interesting my life has brought me to this place, especially now i'm back at my home and i have almost no responsibility or a work i should be doing. When i look back i have passed through a circumstance similar to this 3 years before , a complete absence of all possession, a breakdown. But i was still seeking then and life has now completed a circle.

Fortunately my family has been caring mostly, i have been allowed to follow my will without much pressure. With that said i feel a subtle expectation for me to be doing something worthwhile like the rest. Im not sure whether its them or is it inside of me. Nevertheless I feel grateful for em and many other things especially openhand.
Thanks for reading Smile

Vimal V's picture

Yesterday and today while in meditation, i was efforting to drop into presence. After a while it became clear to me that even though my ego was owning the experience i was having,it was only my guiltiness, self blame for having done so which was coming in the way. Upon which i was able to let go and find peace and acceptance. The experience was a reminder of how patience,persistence and perseverance is as much as important as letting go and surrendering.

Vimal V's picture

As a kid, i have grown up seeing a fair amount of fights between my mother and father. This has caused a lot of sadness for me and i have cried a lot back then whenever they had a fight. Like most parents they were oblivious as to how this will affect their children. I may have opted for my mother's side since i was more affectionate towards her and this has in turn caused a lot of judgment by me towards my father. He was careless and alcoholic back then and has caused a lot of pain for my mother and me and my brother were subconsciously thrown in to this drama. Fortunately our family dynamic has become peaceful now but i seem to carry some sort of judgement towards him. Being 'spiritual' he has become mostly quiet now and this prevents any direct confrontation with him. I find myself desperately trying to prove his ways wrong to my mother. His ways maybe right or wrong but how does that affect my state.

Another one of these things that struck me today was how i was denied affection from my father. I have tried to suppress my anger and frustration at this thinking that somehow this is wrong. But is there something wrong with longing for affection and love from father. Absolutely not.

Open's picture

Hi Vimal - I feel your sharing <3

Have you tried talking to your father about your feelings?
With him being spiritual now, do you think he would listen?

Wishing you well

Open

Vimal V's picture

Hi Open, thanks for your question.

I have considered it and it generates anxiety. Yes obviously he would listen, he wouldn't run away or anything. Even Though he is spiritual he is kinda closed onto himself and would never share his feelings. And when i picture the situation in my mind it is kindof embarrassing and don't feel like going down that path. I could force myself to do something like that but wouldn't that make the situation kind of worse. There's already a kind of energetic tension between us which is accepted as a norm. How easier it would have been if he wasn't in denial. But i really hear you it could be a good opportunity for growth for myself and him. . I will maybe wait for the right moment to open myself.

"You cant take the step before you are ready but you can move your energy in the direction your soul is calling " ?

And btw open, i have started going to yoga classes and i'm so in love with it. It has opened up my experiences to whole new level within days, like kapalbhati pranayam for instance. And the tutor is excellent ,he can spot the moment i go out of the flow.

Vimal

treebrother's picture

In my experience everything I "see" in others is in myself too. Reread your post with this in mind and see what realizations you have about yourself. Namaste, Brother

Vimal V's picture

Thanks for your insight eddie.

I really doubt if 'everything' i see in others is in myself too. But i can see the truth in what you are saying brother, that occured to me today. Thanks for pointing it out

Vimal

Vimal V's picture

The one thing that stops me from harmonizing with the moment , to be allowed to swim in is expectation. In every experience i would have an expectancy that it would be or has to go a certain way in my mind. Paradoxically it is the very thing that take away the juice of the moment and obstruct the expression of fullness of it.

Im reminded of what lesley said in one of the openhand videos.

"When we pluck the big weeds, the obvious ones from the garden ,what will appear is more than a bunch of smaller ones just waiting to plucked"

This is the very thing with desires. When i encounter and transcend the obvious desires like of material possession or ambition for instance, what may appear is hidden desires of the moment just lurking in the corner waiting to be dealt with.

I was at a beautiful hill station yesterday, overlooking the magnificent western ghats. With chilling wind and the sun majestically glowing in the distance, there was nothing the place lacked but yet i was sad. I was sad that couldn't enjoy the scenery as i wanted it to be. I was efforting for it to be something more, efforting for a lack of effort and acceptance. But still at moments like this the only thing which we can do is to let go of any expectation, a need for it to be different and soften into the moment. To maybe accept that there is always another chance, this time maybe i'm invited to learn my lessons. With that i maybe able to notice the subtle vibrations inside , like the sound of a bird maybe and that would built up to a whole new experience that i wasn't looking for in the first place.

Everyone of such moment counts. With each softening , letting go i can express with greater clarity which in turn will boost my expansion. This takes a degree of trust , that i don't have to effort or struggle to make my creative expressions beautiful. It will happen on its own accord , if i lean to let go and instead give attention to the emotions and feelings and be with the energy of the moment.

Open's picture

Hi Vimal,

You said...

    "This is the very thing with desires. When i encounter and transcend the obvious desires like of material possession or ambition for instance, what may appear is hidden desires of the moment just lurking in the corner waiting to be dealt with."

Yes indeed. When you start peeling back the layers, you keep discovering new ones to unfold. This is fine - it means you keep having new expansions, although yes, knowing there's always more to do can be a bit frustrating at first - keep accepting it's never about getting anywhere - to a particular state for example. It's all a continual unfolding learning journey.

To me, in reading your posts over the years, it sounds like you know what you have to do, have a good overview of your process, and are doing wonderfully in the inquiry. So just keep right on going!

Blessings

Open Ok

Vimal V's picture

Hi open,

You said "it's never about getting anywhere - to a particular state for example. It's all a continual unfolding learning journey"

I know this intellectually but to know it as a realization is an entirely different thing. That could be a game changer and could take away a lot efforting. When will that happen? Then again i have made that into a particular state. lol

I know what i'm doing only because i have borrowed it from Openhand. I'm right behind ya!

With love

Vimal Smile