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Come fly with me...

After dithering for months about whether I should start my own journey thread or not, recent events indicated that yes, yes, I should. So. And now I've also got such a nice little introduction because thanks to aforementioned events, I started noticing a pattern in how I (currently) approach this inner journey.

First step is curiousity. Not noseyness, but inquisitiveness. (Does that word exist?) That's something I took with me from the New Year Retreat and the True Self exploration we did; curiosity is such a strong feature of my true self I felt. And in the months since increasingly I noticed that if I approach things from this angle – what would happen if I pushed this button? - I'm not scared at all to start poking at Big Stuff.

So, something sparks in my subconscious, conciousness goes: „What would happen if I did this?“, and what happens is usually me pulling the rug out from underneath my feet. I then spend the next few days feeling horrible and hiding in a book while keeping half an eye on the horribleness, then find my balance again, look around, notice the different view, like, things I hadn't seen before, and how other things are so much clearer from here, while other things I can't see at all anymore. That's usually the point where I start crying and flailing and going oh my God, I can't with the awesomeness of the Universe and wishing there was somebody I could share this awesomeness with.

Aren't you all lucky. Smile

Heire's picture

So, having said that, let's get me to my most recent rug-pulling episode. It started with me wondering „what would happen if I could see/feel/communicate with the Greys in my field?“
This happened: http://www.openhandweb.org/comment/25625#comment-25625

And now I'm sitting here and trying to remember the awesomeness and putting everything into a sequence of events that makes sense. I'm not flying, not yet, more staggering around on the avalanche that the ground beneath my feet has turned into, watching, feeling as things slide past, click together, with such an amazing speed that leaves me no time at all to stop and breathe and process because wheeeee, I'm still zipping down that mountain. Or up? Don't ask me. I'm moving, dammit, and trying to not hold on.

Probably my cue to stop trying to put things into anything coherent here and just go with the flooooooow, dammit, why do I have to make so much sense, things are moving so fast, clickclickclick, shut up mind, don't try to understand, just let it go. And go, and go, aaaaand...

* I am so much bigger and more powerful and incredible and awesome than even little-ego-me has hoped for, and I am almost comfortable writing this down, yes, yes, whatever there is inside of me that's pushing me, stop it, I'm typing. (No, I'm not comfortable, but writing it anyway).

* That thing I've stirred up? It's the Big One. Some time this morning between screaming my head off and trying to rip my pyjamas, I felt that it has shaped most of my life, that 33 of my 36 years were in some way playing out this karma, and then I realised what are you trying to tell me here, Universe that my home address is 33 Church Street and my father's comment when I moved in was „oh, that's easy to remember: Church – Jesus – died when he was 33“, what. I always knew that obviously it's not a coincidence that I moved in here but what.

In that moment I also knew, remembered, that when I came into this world this time around, I knew that this was it, that this was what was coming, I – ack, crying makes typing so hard – but I knew, before I was born, and I forgot when I was born, I could see it like this is the overall arc of the story, with events as single episodes fitting in and being part of it.

The word TRUST flashing out in big letters, yes, I know, oh how I know, on so many levels.

Gosh it's so hard writing this down... and then not deleting it.

Stop controlling, let it go...

* I think it might be activating so soon because I activated it before, in this life, not deliberately, but due to circumstances – and what does it say that I drew there circumstances, what, argh, it's such a mess – because I've been doing this kind of work before. Not alone, mostly in a group or guided by someone who knew what she was doing. Not that I entirely understood it. I remember her once making a comment along the lines of throwing me in at the deep end, and oh my god, I'm only now slowly starting to understand how woefully unpreprared I was for what was going on. Which she probably knew, too, I don't believe she did it maliciously,but – there was nobody else left to help.

Which leads me to * Absolutely happened again in this life. Being tricked, trapped in the „light and love“ bubble, it happened during this previous work, I just remembered the feeling this morning, of everything being light around me and somehow soft, but at the same time feeling cut off, restless, terrified maybe, something wasn't right, feeling guilty for not being able to accept that everything was light, balanced on the knife edge of wanting to push it all away, not feel this, not feel anything of it, and part of me screaming WRONG at me.

So when I remembered, I went into it, felt into it, let it fill me – the screaming and pyjama ripping started around that time – feeling as though I was in a fish tank, all was light and softness, but something was missing, I was moving along the barrier, and there was the thought of „hey, man, where's my body?“ There but not, I felt it but it was somehow not connect to me, I wasn't connected to it, just vaguegly, just enough for the sensation of WRONG to filter through, catching a glimpse of what I was made to do -

And here I'd been wondering why I'd been so obsessively reading and rereading Avenger fanfiction strongly featuring the emotional mess that is Tony Stark and the Winter Soldier. Brainwashed, trapped, used as a weapon? Oh, oh, ow, I really need to start paying more attention to what I'm doing.

And the thing is, the thing is? By the time I sent myself to therapy in 2011, I had already mostly left this body.

Right. This needs time, processing time. Cup of tea, too (the blend I'm drinking today is called „Love“). So, going offline, I'd say sorry about unloading – if Soul would let me. Smile

Sorry but not?

Thanks for riding that rollercoaster with me. Smile

Alexandros's picture

Hi Heike Smile

I resonate with many things that you said... Fristly I too have been thinking of opening a thread and writing down my reflections... But I find difficult to post a comment let alone start a thread! But I think it's coming soon.. Smile Secondly, I love the way you expressed yourself in the above post... it seems authentic and vulnerable. Thirdly... God I love flying! I see it as the same or similar to freedom! Even the names of the street we are both living in resonate... haha!!
(Nazareth Road).

Regarding deeper stuff, your experience with the love bubble reminded me of a recent dream that I had, where I felt that I was in the head (hey man wheres my body?) and it felt like dizzines, and restleness, I passionately said that whoever it was they werent invited here; but I am not sure whether it was helpful- it might even did things worse... I later saw myself stomping my feet on the ground to become grounded.

Thank you for sharing your reflections Heike :)- all those similarities made me take the courage and post here too... I wish you courage for your inner work Smile

Blessings,
Alex Smile

EDIT:
I forgot to mention another thing... Inquisitiveness..yes yes... Me too! You said: What would happen if I did this? Yes. What would happen if I did this guided meditation? What would happen if I follow the Openhandway (and the new Openway) and see where it takes me... But not only that, I find myself wondering and wanting to learn how things work from the simplest things to the deepest of topics. And I think this inquisitiveness is what brought me to the Openhand work and what keeps me "here", wanting to explore more and more!

Aspasia's picture

I love this thread. Thank you Heike for expressing yourself so inquisitively and openly. Alex, your presence is very engaging - lovely to read.

Very fascinating to ride the rollercoaster with you Heike (and Alex) – I remember the True Self exploration we did together Heike at the New Year Retreat. I also have a very inquisitive bodymind and I can be well, at times ‘way too grounded’! Though, particularly in the past, it is in my dreams that I tend to fly and feel the ethereal body a lot more (or ‘coming out of the body’, as you call it and if I understand its meaning correctly), which feels great. So, your beautiful ethereal exploration at the retreat was very uplifting.

I don’t want to sound non-empathic but the ‘trying to rip my pyjamas’ comment made me giggle. Blending humour, inquisitiveness and inquiry is powerfully engaging. So, looking forwards to more ‘unloading’.

Alex, yes, like you I see flying similar to freedom indeed. Inner flying and outer flying Smile

thanks guys x

Heire's picture

So, I'm back online after a few days off. Really interesting days, too. Lots of internal exploring, all of it muddled now, I'm not even going to try and put things into order. Maybe not even into words.

Funny thing is, there is some kind of... residue? maybe? or the feeling as though there should be a feeling? ... as though I haven't done enough. A distant voice yelling at me that after so many days, I ought to know more. I should have connected the dots and processed these things and so on. I know that voice, that kind of thinking. Only this time, I'm not inside of it, it's over there, running around in circles, and I'm over here and feeling... calm. Balanced, but in a ready-for-action kind of way.

A calm after a storm. Kind of.

When I feel deeper, it's as though I can almost sense things shifting and moving at a deeper level, just below my consciousness. It feels as though there is a giant voice telling me WAIT. BE PATIENT.

Funnily enough, this time, I can be.

Awesome.

More perhaps later. When I feel this certain pushing, sunburst sensation around my bellybutton again that tells me to write this down now. Smile

But I wanted to say thanks, Alex and Aspasia, for your replies.

Hehe, Alex, isn't funny/weird/fascinating how things mirror, reflect across the distance? Hey, I'd love to read your "journey" thread - maybe there will be something in your sharings that I resonate with? Smile

(Fun fact though: As much as I love internal flying and throwing myself over those cliffs: On the outside, I'm afraid of heights...)

My gut reaction to the dream you described was: Yes, exactly! And then: Oh, they didn't like that...

Loved the image of you stomping your feet. Power, yeah! *punches air*

Aspasia, every time I feel that curiosity in me rise, I remember you during the True Self exploration, with your head tilted just so, and that smile. So, in a way, you're always there at the start of each inner step. Smile (Hope that doesn't sound creepy...)

And no worries, I kind of loved my pyjama-ripping episode. Mostly because I just grabbed the first thing and pulled, without caring in the least about maybe ripping it or not - how many times are we told as children to not do this or that because we might break things? But why? They're just things... - that was freedom and joy - even through the pain - so if you felt it too, awesome!

Aspasia's picture

Love this Heike!: "When I feel deeper, it's as though I can almost sense things shifting and moving at a deeper level, just below my consciousness. It feels as though there is a giant voice telling me WAIT. BE PATIENT.
Funnily enough, this time, I can be."

We co-created beautifully at the course, so it all sounds perfect to me and our creation is in my heart. Know that the image of you in your playfulness, angelic vibe and deep pure vastness was at the course and still is a twin flame energy that is showing me 'trust'. So, I am very grateful.

You said: " (the pyjama ripping)...that was freedom and joy - even through the pain - so if you felt it too, awesome!" Yes, felt it all with you.

Will be off-line for a while (so not with you flying...) but so much looking forward to seeing you in June and fly - physically - together. Heights are an illusion, there are no heights! Wink

Much love x

Heire's picture

Apparently. Apparently, when I go deep inside, switch off all thoughts, immerse myself into feeling, follow whatever it is inside and express it in what ever way it wants to be expressed – I sing.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know, and yet it feels so right, so me that even just typing this moves me to tears.

And there is the „rational“ voice in my head wondering what I am about, doubting the experience, wondering what I mean by „so me“, aren't I always me?

But deeper, right below my ribcage on the left – about the height of the floating rip there, thanks, current translation project, for providing me with that knowledge – there is still this sensation, a glowing, light, soft spot, like a fuzzy ball of white-golden light, that humms with the experience, aaaand crying again.

That was amazing. An amazing experience. A bit like coming home. To me. Arriving at myself?

I am that, this song.

Uh, really hard typing this, there is a strong, strong impulse, something, that tries to stop this, stop me from typing, shut up, you're delusional, trying to suffocate the light, the song. Phew, breathing's getting harder, gonna write it all anyway. Start at the beginning.

So, I had a really, really powerful session with Tonya on Monday evening. Walked around in a bit of a daze all Tuesday. Started seeing first, um, well, results yesterday. But the process was also still on-going. We had managed to remove something hard and blocking me in from around the solar plexus, like a metal shield. However, it had settled in so deep, that although the metal thing was gone, it had left a residue of some kind. Looks like dark grey smoke to me. Breathing into it moved it a little, but didn't dissolve it all the way. And that was okay, it felt to me as though it would take a few days.

I kept breathing into it, several times throughout the next day, whenever it came into my mind. Yesterday morning in the train I got the feeling that no, breathing alone wouldn't help. It needed movement. So I tried that this morning (public holiday, yay, all the time in the world!), first breathing into it, and then following whatever movement wanted to be made.

So amazing. There was focus on the impulse inside, what motion is need here, and now there, slow, fast, arms following it or not, with just a peripheral awareness of what the body was actually doing. Usually it's the other way round, I'm kind of watching what the body is doing and only peripherally aware of what is going on inside. Not today, there was just movement with the flow.

Discovery of this part under the left rips. Recognition, been here before. It needed to move as well, moving, moving to make it move. What are you? Touching it, light, a sound came up through the throat. More sounds. Following the sounds, focusing on not trying to control, just go with them. Sounds turned into syllables, syllables ran together, almost like words.

Mind trying to intrude, shut up, I'm not listening. These are words, this is a song, not any language I know, but I know this. This is me, this is who I am, melody, sounds, a song.

Nothing has ever felt so right, so centred, so complete before. There is just song, light, moving the energy, hands are following, translating the notes into movement.

A strong sense of „I've done this before“ arises, like a memory. Mind wants to focus, to analyze, to know what and when and all the details. Refusal to follow the questions, following the notes instead. Song changes, impression is of something strong, sacred, preparing souls to step into the light. Words turn into a language I know, and I can't continue, I'm crying too hard.

So strong, so amazing, and it hurts in a way that tells me this is truth – though hurts is the wrong word, it's not pain, just really, really intense feeling.

Okay, this is it, can't type anymore. Won't reread this for typos or anything, will post it though it's scary to do it, feeling a bit nauseous just thinking about it.

Oh, that first song I sang, or rather, that was sung throuhg me? That was a lullaby.

treebrother's picture

When I am aware of something inside me I sometimes express it in vocalizations also. Good to hear I am not alone.

Heire's picture

Hi Eddie,

Nope, definitely not the only one. Smile

I'm curious, though, if you don't mind me asking - do you voice whatever comes up, whatever note, sound, or do you sing as in actual songs?

I've been experimenting over the last days, and though a song sometimes works best, I afterwards have the joy of having a completely different song stuck in my head. (Remember Me, sung by the Celtic Tenors, when what I wanted and listened to was Fare thee well, love. Argh).

How about you?

Lots of love,
Heike

treebrother's picture

I have always sung when i felt confident enough to let it fly. I have learned through my own experience that my truest expression is in a combination of sounds. Sometimes lyrics, sometimes the lyrics get changed on the fly, not even words necessarily, maybe just tones to describe deep inner feelings. And whistling, lots of that, LOL Can't wait to talk in person!!! Eddie

nialet's picture

Hi Heike, this is inspirational reading your amazing experience. Looks like you are making a lot of progress on your journey of exploration.