"Sword of Truth"...YOUR inner Inquiry?

I've been out traveling and camping on Dartmoor in South West England, opening an inner space that new creativity may flow in for the New Year. It's inspired me to start a new Forum Thread here for everyone to share what happens when you go into stillness and inquire within. My gift is being able to offer an intuitive reflection, so I'll happily offer one if you'd like the feedback.

Feel free to share anything. Someone once said to me..."That was dull, I got nothing!" To which the intuitive reply..."Oh, so you touched the Void of Infinite Potential! Tell me what 'dull' means to the ego?" It usually goes really deep from there!

I felt to share a snippet of my own inquiry with you to get the ball rolling...

My final evening has been spent camping close to a favoured location - Brent Tor, with the Marvelous St Michael's Chapel on top. Generally I'm not too keen on church energy - I find the focused praying usually creates a fuzzy constriction around the head on the plain of the intellect. This time though, they'd installed a new roof on the church several months back. So as I sat and breathed, I could feel an expansiveness in the higher chakras. Also it's founded on solid granite rock, so it also felt very grounded and earthed. I got the sense of an excellent bridge between heaven and earth forming. It spoke strongly of the Openhand 'mission' here.

So do share your experiences with the inner inquiry. Even if its simply fuzziness - we'll be sure to bring some clarity to the exploration.

Here's the stunning Stained Glass Window of St Michael in the Brent Tor Chapel. With it, I hand the Sword of Truth over to you. What are you experiencing in the inner world right now?

In loving support

Open heart

Comments

Hi Open,

Thanks for the invitation to share our inner inquiry here. Let me kick-off with my recent inquiry that I have been thinking to share, but then somehow I never found the ‘right place’ and moment, so it is nice to have an open space here.

Things have been feeling quite full-on since coming back from Divinicus, internally feeling like a pressure cooker/fire cracker internally with strong energies sweeping left, right and centre. The art of how to process or contain them, if circumstances require, is probably a bigger challenge for me than the actual energies themselves.

What recently dawned to me is the central role that feelings of guilt for hurting others or making other people feel uncomfortable has played in my life. And how this sense of guilt is a main driver (I should probably say obstacle) behind the choices I make in life, as I unconsciously try to avoid the guilt. I realise this means that in a way I am have a tendency to take responsibility for the feelings of others. When I think about it, this doesn’t make sense, but when I feel into the guilt (painful!), then it does seem to make sense that this is something to be avoided. It used to be a lot worse and I think I have already made quite some ‘progress’ in feeling less guilty when other’s express their discomfort or hurt. When I look back, in the past the avoidance of this guilt seems to have run my life and I used to be an easy scapegoat, because I would immediately and happily take the blame for other people’s discomfort or hurt that they projected on me (and then apologize, a lot of apologizing). Even when I was around people who would just generally be moody, I would wonder what I might have done ‘wrong’ for them to be like that and how I might change my behaviour to ease their discomfort.

This pattern is becoming more and more clear and interestingly the past months I had a few experiences where I expressed in a way that felt authentic, but then got ‘blaming’ projections back from the other side about what I said/did. Rather than feeling guilty about making them uncomfortable and immediately shooting into my usual apology mode, I was able to stay away from the guilt and realise that I wasn’t responsible for their discomfort. By not going into the guilt, I was also able to very clearly ‘SEE’ the pattern of how people project blame outwards to me, when I somehow push their internal buttons. Even though I didn’t respond in the usual way, I was still left with a sense of guilt and contemplating whether I should have chosen my words differently, and then was pleasantly surprised when one person actually got back to me the next day to thank me for inspiring them J (apparently beyond the initial discomfort about what I said, there were some realisations). Reading some of the other recent articles here on the website, I have been wondering whether the black snake energy you talked about, might also be at play here? That when you hit an ‘uncomfortable’ truth in someone, that the black snake energy will project a judgement back at you, about how you are supposed to be (as someone whose buttons I pushed said to me ‘there is something like responsible communication’, as if there is a kind of communication standard that everyone should comply with). Or perhaps it is just in my case that this black snake energy happily feeds of/attaches to my sense of guilt when people project their discomfort back at me?

While I am becoming more aware of such dynamics and the role that guilt plays in it, still remaining ‘bottlenecks’ are also becoming more apparent. I have managed to overcome quite a bit of guilt about hurting others, but I can see there is still a major bottleneck there when it comes to my parents. Particularly as they are getting older, I can feel a strong sense of responsibility for not hurting them unnecessarily and how this is stopping me from making certain choices, because the guilt I would feel over their discomfort would be too painful. This is a dynamic that has been going on for as long as I can remember and I have given them enough discomfort with the choices that I made in life, but I would somehow always go for half-baked choices, halfway between what I really felt to do and what they would have liked, so as to ‘reduce the damage’. It is interesting to observe how when I tune into something that might feel like a ‘right’ choice for me, but potentially something that would make them uncomfortable, the sense of guilt comes in as an interference and then the mind takes over coming up with reasons why perhaps it wouldn’t be such a good idea. For example, I can feel a pull to move out of the Netherlands again, yet I know that particularly my mother wouldn’t be very happy about that (‘then at least stay within Europe’), so here I am still finding myself in limbo…  and my mind finding reasons why I should perhaps stay in the Netherlands a bit longer or at least move somewhere within Europe. And in the end it leaves me confused about the flow and what feels ‘right’ and where the guilt distortion comes in.

Coming back to the internal pressure cooker/fire cracker that I started with, the challenge of how to deal with this is also related to the guilt of making others uncomfortable. If I am honest I couldn’t care less about releasing whatever internal shit wants to come out, but it is often the possible discomfort for those around me that holds me back from doing so (when I am alone, I have no problem ‘dry heaving’ with the craziest noises, as soon as I am in the company of someone, it feels like the heaves get stuck or otherwise come controlled and silently). Recently at Divinicus I went into quite a process at some point, which came with some very primal noises, while the rest of the group was meanwhile doing something else, and I remember overhearing Open reassuring someone, not to worry about the noise I was making, that I was just in a process. I remember the instant tightness I felt, because I was making others uncomfortable. Luckily at that point I was so far into the process, that it wasn’t possible to hold back anymore in response to the tightness J.

Not sure what I was exactly trying to say with my rambling above, but I am just going to put it out here and see how it might resonate with others or not….

Much love to everyone for 2018!

Marije

P.S. Something I felt to add after posting this, is that this guilt also applies to feeling that I can’t be enjoying myself or having too much fun when others are struggling, similarly impacting choices that I make. For example, during the sweat lodge in Australia I quite enjoyed the first two rounds, while others were clearly struggling with the heat. So there was a sense of guilt about my enjoyment and a sense of relief when by the third round I also started to struggle with the heat, because I didn’t have to feel guilty anymore about enjoying myself, while the people around me were ‘suffering’.

Hi Marije!

Well I can relate to you sharing very much!! (not a surprise for you I am guessing lol!)

What you shared here is a dynamic I am quite familiar with

" I can feel a pull to move out of the Netherlands again, yet I know that particularly my mother wouldn’t be very happy about that (‘then at least stay within Europe’), so here I am still finding myself in limbo…  and my mind finding reasons why I should perhaps stay in the Netherlands a bit longer or at least move somewhere within Europe. And in the end it leaves me confused about the flow and what feels ‘right’ and where the guilt distortion comes in."

How can rightness truly happen when there are artificial boundaries put upon it?...it becomes the mind trying to feel for a "rightness" that fits in a particular box...this I imagine stirs up loads of energy inside...I imagine there is loads of frustration, confusion (as you said) and sense of stuckness (limbo as you said). When that happens to me (as it has been over the last very long time), I stay in situations that aren't feeling right for ME but relieve the icky feeling of displeasing or hurting others. It's not easy to initially step through it, but I have found as you did with your friend who called you to thank you for the honesty, that people surprise me when I am true to myself...those who care about me truly do want me to be happy. At some point the pain of staying in the limiting box of others expectations grew stronger than my discomfort with their discomfort. 

Something my daughter shared with me a few years ago has really stuck with me...she had a dream that either she could live or others could live but not both and in the dream she always chose the other. It showed me that I was choosing to support others dreams for me, others needs for me, others needs for how the world needed to be (and teaching my child to do the same)...it came with this realization that I can live, I can have a full life that feels right and satisfying and that doesn't belong to anyone else. AND that has the greatest impact and potential for truly serving the highest good of all. 

Just a little reflection...thank you so much for your sharing - I see so much of my own challenges in it! <3

Much love, 

Jen

hi Marije 

Just to give you some other perspectives - when I recognised your way of energy release I was sooo relieved to see you in action.  I too as you know, have phases releasing in that way- it's not easy to accept at first - and then to be accepted doesn't seem to happen easily. But just to also remind you before we went out on your birthday you let out a beautiful primal release - Premela and a visitor she had at the retreat centre were deeply inspired by it. It's not an easy gift sister - and family, friends and even spiritual folk won't understand - perhaps the guilt has some deep threads though? I'm just here to tell you I see it as a very effective alchemic tool/kriya. Shamans have been moving energy on like this for eons. Unfortunately we don't all have the solitude that would be ideal for these phases but that's ok.

Also the vessel will find new ways and channels to move energy through, I find it changes as we evolve so try not to feel as though it will always be this way. 

I guess some of us are here to work with energy in ways that's not easy to witness to the uninitiated but so be it. Some people will be inspired, some will run for their lives - I guess we work to stay present - staying open hearted to the impact. 

At times I find containment is OK to balance other times I need full permission to release without limitation. As long as the periods of no limitation are given then the containment gets easier too. 

Anyway big hug! 

No doubt the guilt will lead you on an adventure - sending love.

k xx

Hi Marije, 

Just wanted to say, I actually found your processing inspiring - it seemed very clean and complete. I remember thinking ‘I wish I could move stuff like that!’ 

Was thinking whilst reading your enquiry about guilt and wondering if when we carry guilt there’s another emotion under it....?

Lots of love, 

Jennaya

Dear Jen, Katie and Jennaya,

Thanks so much for your feedback and reflections!

Jen, not really a surprise that you could relate indeed, as I can relate very well to your response ;). You wrote ‘the mind trying to feel for a "rightness" that fits in a particular box’, which is so recognizable for me! This is usually where the confusion starts, because the mind will sidetrack me from any sense of rightness that doesn’t fit the unconscious boxes and make things that fit these boxes without a sense of rightness, seem as if they do feel right. As I am writing this I realise that this confusion causes a lot of distrust in myself/self-doubt. When I read your response it seems so easy and obvious to step out of the limiting boxes of others expectations, but in practice it somehow isn’t!

Katie, I was very relieved to find a fellow dry heaver too (which is not an easy gift indeed)! I can feel a strong internal yearning to just drop all the inhibitions and release without limitation. Yet at the same time that feels very scary, because if I would, I would definitely not fit into any of the boxes anymore, other than perhaps that of ‘mad woman’. I have a tendency to be impatient, which can easily make things look very black and white. In this case it makes it seem like either I have to drop everything at once or otherwise I am going to remain hopelessly stuck in the boxes forever.... It would probably be better to focus on smaller steps and see if I can release one box at a time... 

Jennaya, thanks! Interesting question about whether there is any other emotion underneath the guilt. There are two things that spring to mind, namely fear of punishment and the discomfort of feeling the pain of others. I should explore that further!

Meanwhile, exactly 20 years after becoming a vegetarian, I ‘officially’ switched to fully vegan at the start of the New Year. I was already eating about 90% vegan for the past years and only cooking vegan myself, but in the company of others I would still eat vegetarian if necessary. Again only to avoid feeling the discomfort of others about what to cook or what I would eat when no vegan options are available, as well as the constant ‘why’ questions, which I still remember so well from when I switched to a vegetarian diet. I already feel a bit apprehensive about the ‘confrontations’ and questions that I am surely going to face as a consequence of this new resolution for 2018 J 

Much love,

Marije

In reply to by Marye

Hey Marije! 

oh yes, what a challenge it is! How often I can see the distortion, can feel what is invited and then once the "play" button is pressed on the program, it can take enormous courage to honor what feels right inside and be the flow through it .  It can look like nothing from the outside...such a simple thing to overcome, yet the patterns are quite sticky and feel oddly attractive to stay stuck within. 

In my present experience, I am feeling challenged to bring my honest expression into the open...especiallly to express the grief I have been experiencing. Historically I haven't trusted people to be there for me, (that I am supported - that I can trust I am met), and have put on the  "I am totally fine face". Many around me are comfortable with ignoring the pink elephant in the room, mirroring and reinforcing my own behavior, as presently it helps me avoid feelings of shame and embarassment for the direction life is moving. Working to resolve these feelings inside of me - embracing the ride of releasing what I know is right to release and accepting the reflection of loving support from close friends. Interestingly I keep finding that the smallness I feel in this place where I stay silent and pretend all is well invokes such physical discomfort - I may be emotionally protected (seemingly), but I am contracting and shrinking and hiding in a way that I now find painful. There has been and continues to be intense pressure in my heart, an aching sense of gravity pulling inward and expanding outward. I have been finding a way to express what i feel from my heart, be real and true to my experience...a lot of me doesn't want to do that...lots of childhood needs of protecting my parents, maintaining their (my) perceptions of my perfection etc...but everytime I find such freedom in exploding the myth of my containment...I feel more and more supported in breaking down my self-held together boxes. I do feel it takes walking through it bit by bit at first and then there does seem to be a momentum...and a burning...old structures that catch fire and burn away.  

Sending you love on your journey and honoring your honesty and courage!!

Jen

Hi Marije, 

I thought about guilt some more this morning ! :) 

I really don't enjoy this word! 

Do you feel past life stuff in "namely fear of punishment and the discomfort of feeling the pain of others"?

On reading I felt some of my own maybe your's too?

Love and big hugs,

Jennaya 💛 

 

 

So, we're well into the NewYear, where many a 'new year's resolution' has already bitten the dust. Haleluyah!

Instead, why don't we just inquire within, and bring awareness to what is. Rather than overriding with some intention, often based on sense of lack or non acceptance.

To truly inquire within requires great patience. Because you start hitting inner layers which will have distortion in them. You often hear the analogy of 'peeling off the layers of an onion'. It's a good metaphor, but incomplete. Because it's about reclaiming the lost fragments of soul, concealed within each layer, BEFORE you actually peel off the layer.

So what you're looking for, are subtle vibrations, subtle senses and feelings. To me this is far more important than the "cosmic light" and far out astral experiences. Get used to scanning internally, every day, and at different times during the day, until you're doing it most of the time. Then work on the subtle vibrations and feelings. 

What is the purpose, how do you work?

Notice a vibration or feeling and pay attention to it. Work deep in without trying to understand what it is about or what it causes. Work into it until you embody it with your awareness - this is the point where you start to 'explode' it up into your outer reality (it's already been subtly affecting it anyway). Now go out into the world and witness the affects it has - what synchronicities and reflections does it draw to you? Now see your distortion and the true sense of soul embedded within. Work to embody the fragment of soul. Then dissolve the distortion using something like the Openhand Breakthrough Approach

I was working with this yesterday on a train to Gatwick airport. I have been exploring how to catalyse but with as much empathy as possible. The inquiry manifested by finding myself surrounded by a group of exhuberant and quite loud teenagers. They were 'bitching' about someone they knew, and being pretty unkind - of course this is what it can be like at that age and in community groups. As they spoke of the character they were bitching about, it's like I opened an empathic bridge to the person - I could feel the quirky maverick misfit that this person was, and I felt great compassion for them. And I felt sadness too, that people would judge in this way. So I stepped carefully into the conversation and floated the question.... "have you ever considered that everything I see is a reflection of me?" 

It had a massive impact. First there was quietness, then a could sense resistance and antagonism from some, but one amongst them shone light from her eyes and a beaming smile - "yes of course, it's the law of attraction". The idea had landed in the group. They soon got off, but I had the sense something had landed and worked - that an inquiry would begin.

So what are you working with at the moment?
What happens in your outer environment as you work in?
What priceless nuggets of soul gold are you being invited to integrate?

In loving support

Open HeartPraying Emoji

I have been going through some darkest days recently and was feeling somewhat 'beaten' and putoff by it. Hence wanting to activate the old patterns just for the sake of it. When i read your post i got the sense that the hidden quality is deeper acceptance and surrender. The shift and difference was subtle but palpabale.