Sharing the flow of things

Wow! Hit a big emotional block tonight. Realizing that how I see my husband as a father is intricately connected to my own experience with an absent father. A mild argument stirred up deep feelings of hatred and rage... Which slowly turned into emotional detachment... An "I don't give a care" attitude settled over me as we ended the conversation and I went to my room. I fell into tears at the hatred I was feeling for my husband and started to see that it is all mixed in together. He triggers it but it's not him... I want to literally punch him but it's not him. From this I do have an ally... Was able to put words to all this and expressed that I may need him to allow me to just express all this anger the next time it all comes up and for him to work to remember that it is not about him and to just hold the space for me. I have never expressed the anger and hurt from my childhood... It's never been this accessible so in that I feel really grateful =)

Comments

That feels so powerful Jen! It's amazing what we store inside and how thankful that we can access it again, when we are in a place to work with it.
Loads of Love to ya!
x

Thanks Open and Trinity! You are always so supportive and I so appreciate that!! FEels like I am going through both ends of the spectrum right now - feeling more of what's been suppressed and at the same time feeling more connected both within myself and within external relationships. Seeing the internal opening reflected outside in more openness in relationships. Actually maybe these aren't opposite ends of the spectrum as it's through the pain and discomfort that the deeper connection is being forged.

Today I am also working with this old nauseous feeling that feels like a long tube like an umbilical cord attached to my upper abdomen. I remember this feeling from when I was really young and it is being stimulated now again. It gets triggered by some way of being that I see or feel from certain women. I can't say exactly what it is - it's almost like a feeling of me being ashamed or feeling like I have done something that is not acceptable and am being looked upon by these women as someone to shun. It's not clear, throwing it out to the universe for guidance and just keeping my attention on the vibe I am feeling there.

Thanks again for your support!

With love,
Jen

Over the last couple days I am finding myself unravelling this emotional blockage and as I have confronted the anger that has been sitting in there I am finding myself able to express myself in the physical...Where I have felt to express but have held back.... And when at last expression can come all the way through it feels so natural, so perfectly effortless... I am not fighting my way through a barrier... The barrier is melting away and more of me naturally unfolds and can express in the moment. It's pure joy to let this loose =).

Wow, Jen!

What you share is truly inspiring! How wonderful to be at a place where you can express so freely.

Enjoy the joy, love Fiona

Hi Jen,

Your vulnerability, honesty, and presence are so inspiring, as always. I often feel a resonance with your experiences. I am going down a similar path these days: letting the emotions rip, as Open has described it. Feeling into the anger and rage, releasing it, and finding the light beyond to a higher way of being. I still get into "loaded" exchanges, at times. But I'm getting better at releasing the blockages more fully so that I can stand my ground and express more and more with respect, firmness, compassion, honesty, and authenticity. I feel like a bird learning to fly. Ain't it grand? Wishing you well as you spread your wings and soar.

Much Love,

xxx Catherine

Thank you Fiona and Catherine for the kind and supportive words =).

Catherine - Very cool that you can relate with what I am sharing. Yes, it feels like I have been unwinding this core knot for a number of years now...working on all the more obvious places, the ones that undo more easily...like when you are untangling a necklace and it takes patience and persistence and you take care of the simpler ones and then you get to this one stubborn little knot that takes time to unravel...takes time to even see where to pull and to get a good grip and open it, unravel it and then voila! And it will keep coming and it's just fine with me! What else is there?!

I love what you shared above Catherine...I get the image of a stream of light and all these little entanglements around it...and you are shedding these entanglements until the stream of light is free flowing and the highest expression of you shines into the world. Just awesome!! =)

Love to you both,
Jen

I had an enlightening dream last night... And it came through on a necklace! I am sitting with this young girl in my lap. She is facing me and I am showing her my necklace charm which is normally an eternity symbol but has now turned into a silver upside down angel with a red outline. Circumstances in the dream unfold to show me the jealousy that is inside of me. In waking I feel instantly grossed out that I have this inside of me... I see it come up but I work to never act from it... But it's still lingering, hanging out under my words and actions. I really don't want to accept this feeling but I know I have to get more into before "the day is done".

This is fabulous Jen - to be able to uncover the junk that we've been holding for eons! We don't want to look and see and feel, but the reality is, it's there!! Amazing realizations!!!
It seems you're no longer using a shovel in that rabbit hole - you have a back-hoe digging away!!
Can you sense the energy that is released through this awareness? I can feel MY body going 'Phew I was tired of holding that!!'
Thank you for sharing.

Thanks Cynthia for your post. I can feel your enthusiasm all the way down here =) yes it is so true what you say above... We know how we "should" be but how do we actually feel and stuffing it down trying to make it be quiet will ultimately never work. I know that what I see is inside of me .... So it's a matter of releasing this old false identity that needs anything outside of me and attuning to this quality within. I feel like this is a giant sack of potatoes and right now I have just stopped carrying it and am opening the bag to see what's in there. I trust life will help me see. Mmmmwah!!! Xo thanks for the reflection!! With love, Jen

Some clarity is landing on some pain in my shoulder from too much weight, a tire that keeps losing air and a recent literal (and figurative) blindspot on the right side of my new vehicle. There has been a reticence to attune to the lightness. In the past I did so in a way that disconnected me from the body - I have had some fear around feeling the lightness, the expansiveness and getting trapped. Instead though, I am seeing that I am focusing so much on the tightness, on the density that I have cut off connection to feeling the lightness all together. As a result I have been feeling the energy but not a clear sense of direction with it...I am also carrying a weight around trusting myself...I want someone else to give me the answers - I know how disempowering this is and surely I (and most) have lived that reality before. Thank you Open for just your simple encouragement to go deeper within for the answers, as much as part of me wants you to just tell me what’s going on, I would miss my own journey =)!

It felt today like everything around me was shining as brightly as possible to show me how to be. =) Just a quick sharing of some of my journey...

Driving down the road behind a very slow truck, but feel to just stay there and then notice a sticker of a bird with the word “lark” written above it. It feels instantly like the word “song” and I feel it right in the heart - singing is a very heart opening activity for me and allowing the song of the soul to play is something that really speaks to me. Not to mention the bird as a symbol of being grounded and connected to the higher planes. A moment later my attention is drawn to the left to a plaza of shops where three signs lined up on different objects to read jenny, pure, 4...for me this spoke to the heart chakra - opening more to feeling through the senses, to the things that bring the feeling of expandedness and also to attuning to the heartfelt feeling to feel the soul’s “voice” and attune to Ray 4. Arriving at a park to go for a jog, I feel myself unwinding opening and attuning to the senses, feeling the warmth of the heart in a way I haven’t felt for a little while...feels like home...feels so connected. I then see a mother and an infant all dressed in white getting ready to have their photo taken and I feel inside that’s ok to embrace the lightness, it’s ok to feel it and to feel it IN the body - it’s not the place I have been before where the lightness was above me so I lived there...it’s here in the body. As I am running along I feel I am going to lose my keys, but they are still there...a few moments later, they actually are gone. I feel myself start to look side to side along the path and then pause, connect to the heart, slow down and look straight down the path and there they are again. Got in the car and turned on my ipod to shuffle and the first song was “Krishna’s Song” by Sacred Earth...the christ consciousness...feel a deep confirmation to keep connecting through the heart. Thanks for listening and for all of your support.

What a journey it has been recently...one of my children has been going through some difficult times and through it I felt the fire of transformation within myself. Every time I felt I have opened to what is - without any resistance - things would go on longer and any need for things to be different would rise to the surface to be felt and transmuted until there was just an opening so deep and so wide that I could be with this scenario forever without it changing and it was ok with me...and now it has resolved...just days after I felt a totally new energy stirring up and it felt like I literally wanted to jump into my garden - like a bee inside a flower...for lack of a better word - it is a very penetrative energy that I recognize as bringing more forward from the background open flower that I feel as the feminine energy in me to the forward motion energy of the masculine. With that I am literally on fire inside...returning to feeling radiating heat burning through from inside...sweating like crazy, not sleeping and itching all over.

New connections are happening - such amazing reflections - those who I can really share with and who just feel so uplifting and home like to me...brings me so much joy!!

Dreamt last night that I stepped out from being between two walls in shoes that are too small for me - got new shoes - size 4 that I wore with tall rainbow socks!

Just a brief sharing of what is happening for me...and connecting to this community - Much love, Jen

Thank you Ben and Open for the support =). I feel so filled with warmth and interestingly it feels as though it is flowing from the solar plexus which has usually felt quite tight and the heart... This is new to me to feel this warm connection in the solar plexus. Now noticing places where I am pushing my agenda... Manipulating and over efforting and experiencing the same toward me...perspective feels steady enough to see and feel without losing touch with the body... Which is a change... There is the part of me that wants to flee but there is an anchor that feels more grounded at the moment. <3

So this may be long.. Let's see how concise I can be...went to 5 rhythms workshop this weekend... Powerful and aligned with Openhand way of working with what comes up. Something that is sticking for me is this man in the group that early on in the exploration expressed to the group that he was feeling projected upon and overwhelmed by the need to be be the masculine in the room (and how we don't probably know what he means by that). It really annoyed me... Though I could see this is part of his journey it felt like he was actually projecting on us the need to receive his masculine energy.... I felt a huge arising of basically f**k you!! No one asked you to "be the masculine in the room"... We all have that within us as well and if you look around are expressing it just fine. At the same time, the night before I became aware of an old buried desire within me...just two days prior I received heavy news about the father I grew up with that suddenly in the contemplation of his not being here caused an arising sense of "I need my father" (my birth father) - a person I have strongly sent the message that I don't need him ... The night before I dreamt that I was laid on the ground with my belly showing and light was "working" on the energy there...I then found myself driving an open air vehicle... Like a three wheel motor bike but I was pulling a trailer full of old connections and couldn't go faster than 17 mph... I let everyone out and to my shock found a naked female child in there - about age 5 and she had two children of her own - a boy and a girl...I perceived her as ill equipped to care for these two children and also perceived her own sense of self as totally adequate and capable of caring for these two.

During the workshop today I felt invited to connect to that child within and feel into all the joy of connecting to her offering her love, touching her/my hair and face, whole body, whole being- offering love and acceptance - showing her she is valued and seen and met...and then feeling the anguish of my reaching out and not being met... Confronting my sense of cutting off from letting others know that I need them at all... In fact expressing the opposite.. That I have it all together. I begin to feel a strong urge to give birth.. Just this energy that wants to break through. There is a blue glass cauldron of water on the altar and it feels like the energy is moving into the water or that the blue water is helping it move through me.

Now I feel there is still something there... I can't tell if I just feel weighty in my sacrum and root or blockage... Just feels like a heaviness I am not use to.

I only feel that I can just express this ... It draws the threads together for me so thank you for the space for that... Open to a reflection on this... I actually still feel annoyed by the man who proclaimed our need of him and interestingly "had to" connect with him in a giving and receiving experience... Which I could feel him feeling that I need him to lead me and moved with that and added my own energy ... Probably with a bit too much force as I was aggravated.

Hi Jen,

An invaluable exploration indeed :-)

Have you relied upon the divine masculine around you to support you? To (in effect) replace the divine masculine in you? Have you perhaps judged that the divine feminine is not strong enough to succeed and provide?

Did you confront the guy who was wrongly owning the entirety of the masculine energy - there and then, in front of the group? Perhaps the truth at the core of the anger was repressed ray 1 masculine wanting you to do this? Because it's in the moment where you reclaim that power.

Is the heaviness you now feel actually the density of the divine masculine coming through?

Some questions to explore.

Much love

Open *OK*

Thank you Open for the opportunity to go deeper with these questions.

Yes I have relied upon the masculine around me and have become aware of that... Have allowed more and more of my own creations to come forward, but yes I continually come up against the sense that what I create here is not valued enough to truly support the family...I had a couple poignant dreams... In the first I am a medicine woman/witch of sorts and I am taking all these herbs to help clear something stuck in my throat but that the real issue is shown to be a masculine energy shoved down my throat. The other dream is myself walking on a wooded path - a bear crosses my path and it doesn't at all alarm me as it runs into the water but the path looks to be flooded up ahead with a strong River... In the river are three huge elephants walking with the flow of the river... I turn away and grab crutches from a pile of scraps and take them to my father who receives news that his health is restored.

I feel like both of these dreams show me the acceptance and willing dependence on an outside source of masculine energy rather than coughing up the masculine that is like a projectile object in my mouth and down my throat and allowing myself to join the elephants in the river without the crutch of dependence on the continuation of the external father figure.

Yes I have judged the feminine as not strong enough to provide ... By itself. Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other? I have been so tuned into being the open flower and have only recently started to feel the forward motion of the bee.. That wants to dive in and create something new. Perhaps it's more that there is the sense that as a woman this world somehow wants to devour me. There is part of me that feels it needs protection and relaxes in the feeling of its being provided.

So this man in the group... Yes I absolutely felt a pull to say something to him after his sharing but held back as the woman facilitating did not address it ... Which then caused other women to start saying "is it me who is projecting... So many felt concerned for his welfare and that made me feel more agitated because it felt like he was unknowingly manipulating them and putting all the attention on himself. I wasn't sure enough in what I was feeling to just blurt it out- question him although I so felt the urge to, I held back because his way of being was triggering my own stuff around "needing the masculine out there".

I found myself then becoming more pressing in other conversations with women,... As this energy was just festering. So yes, perhaps there was a way for me to speak up and express the Ray 1 energy. Because I didn't call him on it, I just expressed in through my body but it didn't feel complete. What would I have had to risk if I had let the expression come through? Being isolated from the group, appearing combative... Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?

The heaviness I feel now....it's not like a knot or a tightness - it's more a fullness. I am more aware of it then any other place in my body... It feels icy and hot at the same time. Is the feeling of the divine masculine feel heavier? I just feel like a ball of weight in my lower body and part of me wants to lift out of it but that doesn't feel right - it feels more right to birth through it.

Lots of explorations - lots of poignant questions.

You ask...

    "Is really either energy able to provide and support and create in an aligned way without integration of the other?"

Of course no. It needs both, and all the other of the 7 rays. But you can lead from a certain energy - each moment will call that. So we may lead from the ray2 divine feminine and it certainly can succeed that way if there's enough trust in the right situations.

You ask...

    "Is it really right for me to call him into question if I feel extra energy around it because of my own stuff?"

Everybody has distortions - the fastest and most effective way to clear them is to fully express them. Because then you get the strongest mirror - both parties do. It takes courage yes, and it's going to explode situations sometimes, but sometimes that's entirely necessary.

Does the divine masculine feel heavier? If you're used to the lightness of the divine feminine yes it will likely feel heavier - more accurately denser because the energy is more focused. But heavier might mean there's an internal judgment of it - something to look for.

Awesome explorations - advancing you quickly

Open *OK*

Ok, now I see what you are saying about leading with a particular ray...I thinkI got stuck on the word "provide" and what that means.

My water guy came today (to work on my kitchen plumbing) and the entire time he talked about how he loves to make connections and build bridges between people. I know this is strong for me too, but I also see that I am being invited to cross through this scary place for me of being more direct in the face of strong masculine energy (distorted especially). Though I do more naturally express Ray 2 and 4, I feel that I have a catalytic side that can be very effective when I am not intimidated to express it. I also feel a bit out there expressing Ray 1 when i can't find the bridge in...when it feels like what I am going to say is going to be alarming - the Ray 4 always seems to bring it in in a digestible way. I am sure opportunities will continue to abound to explore this further. =)

Lastly, this weight I am feeling...yes I do sense that is perceived as heavy because part of me doesn't want to go where it appears to be taking me now...into the depths of holding more intimately deeper levels of anguish and pain - my own and others and not just holding it, but coming down into it more fully and connecting to the lightness down in that.

Thank you Open for taking the time to read all of this and offering me your reflections. I am profoundly grateful.

With love, Jen

You're most welcome Jen - it's so great that you can reflect on it at that level. Amazing.

Open *OK*

Hi Jen

Thanks for sharing!! I feel your Ray1 through your writing. What comes to mind are your reference points that define "masculine energy"?

In my experience learning to express authentically (at first) an energy pulsating through feels clumsy and awkward. I've learned that it's ok for it to come out in a clumsy and awkward way. Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising. I think it's possible to deliver a "masculine energy message" in a feminine energy tone using body language or surrounding it with empathetic vibes.

Other times I just state it and let the effect be whatever it may be. Is that insensitive as I am expressing what may be perceived to "hurt" others? Or am I strong as I am being within the truth I have found and allowing myself the space to express from that vantage point? I've circled many issues on the path and "got stuck". I call it rationalizing in the roundabout. Once I recognized that pattern and the safety it provided, I no longer "needed" to continue with that behavior although it continues to rise up subconsciously when I am being "sleepy"

I love Opens response that completely took consciousness into a new perspective that felt so expansive. Within the expansive feeling, constraints and limitations of physicality felt to dissolve as vibrant strands of interconnectedness shimmered. Feeling into the Universe without preconditioned reactions all the conditioned behaviors fall away.

Reaction leads to a feeling of being grounded and stuck. It feels sticky, coagulated on the soul especially when awareness reaches the crux where the mind identifies the behavioral habit and screams at you.. Ego,Ego ,Ego...

So for me, when I arrived at that crux I stopped identifying with words. It felt like when my mind felt the impulse to identify with the energy that was stimulated within which was stimulated by external influences of the environment or external stimuli, the preconditioned associations ensued which limited an authentic in the moment experience.The proverbial ball was in motion instantly, then reaction then reflection ensued.

In that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through.

Open previously stated "A more beneficial approach (to one's soul), would be to learn how to surrender to the flow. Then the layers of the ego start to peel away. Your consciousness expands into the field and into multiple dimensions of existence - where you experience all manner of things beyond imagination."

In those moments I surrender. Let go of any need for what ensues to be a certain way. It takes practice so at first felt conflicting to grasp the concept of making an effort to not effort at all... Quite the conundrum
So letting go of words and labels was key on my journey.

All the attachments associated with the "masculine energy" are defined by the reference points used to create meaning. Would letting go of labeling masculine or feminine be a key. I've recently been asking myself that and exploring letting go of those defining concepts as at the core it is all unconditional oneness.

Much love
Erica

In reply to by erica r

Wow Erica - I could feel every word of what you shared here...what sticks out for me is this...

"in that initial moment, when the energy spiked, giving that energy of feeling my attention slowed it all down. I went deeper within beyond the energetic stimulated response. Within the tumultuous inner emotional storm, I felt stillness. The need to respond emotionally dissolved. It became freeing from the ego thus authentic expression flows through."

This has been shaping for me over the last few years...in deeper and deeper spirals of experience I suppose...yes I feel that connection to center even though the emotions and the physical body is in reaction and that has been key in allowing authentic expression to come forward. I am finding times like these though where something new in me is coming forward and like you said it is awkward to bring it out, mainly due to attachment.

And you said here...
"Suppressing puts into the mind which then warps it and tries to validate the inaction or the energetic impulse that was naturally arising." YES - this is happening.

At the core, is the willingness to release any need to appear a certain way, to maintain a level of acceptance, to blend into the scenery...it's moments like these that invite that to begin breaking down - centering in the midst of the storm...like you said, it all slows down and authentic expression can come through or NOT and then the snowball effect you mentioned. =)

yes, funny that the man said "you all don't know what I mean when I say masculine" and perhaps the truth in that is that I don't completely...there is a mixture of ideas from society, our culture - that confuses the purity of the experience - the feel of that energy...and perhaps yes, the analytical side kicks in to understand it retrospectively.

What I feel coming through right now is a deep urge to allow the tension of any efforting to be anything to unwind through every moment and every situation that arises.

With lots of love and gratitude for the beautiful reflection.
Jen

there is a tension
throughout the body
an effort to be
something
i don't feel to grin anymore or try
a blankness wants to emerge
an openness without superimposition
what is this constant grin
but a mask
is it not ok to just feel at ease or not
elated or not
thrilled or not
friendly or not
this false pleasantness - is exhausting
feeling this natural arising of "here I am"
as I am
may it flow through the blankness arising and dissolving
free to move
alighting the body - the face
with authenticity...perhaps even a smile from the depths

A smile cracks the stillness
A crevasse created externally relieves the internal pressure
An ancient energetic flow releasing from the depths
Yet pressure building reconstructing
Reconfiguring building building
A smile begins to quiver and shake
Emergence through explodes
Shatters the constrictive shell
Lava expels a light body free of form
Vulnerable in this realm.. Bright
Molten skin takes shape settles protects seamlessly
A new awareness reflects the depths on the surface
A new smile cracks the stillness

Dear Erica, What a dance this is... Thank you for the way in which you join... Unexpectedly... With a flow that speaks to the core. Thank you Erica for this continuity and evolution. How surprising and synchronistic to see the lava flow on paper as it has been ebbing and flowing inside the body....building and glowing with the most overwhelming sense of love and then disappearing again to re-emerge with vigor.

Reading last night and these words sprung off the page "dancing through the open moment"... There is still much stickiness within me and the tolerance for it guiding the ship is dying as is the fear of not presenting....meeting every moment as the opportunity to drop through the facade and let the dancer emerge.

Much love,
Jen

Hi Jen!

Yes dancing in front of a mirror brings so much to the experience, thank you for sharing your authentic journey. It really helped today as I shared with my son. When I used the words feminine and masculine he said,"yes!! That's the word, masculine... that's what I was trying to think of."

Thought I would share this with you. I was talking with my 20yr old son, Michael. He was expressing a conflict he is feeling. He is going to watch his girlfriends soccer game and doesn't want to sit with her family. He said her family is very loud, yelling and cheering, continuously commenting on how the coach should do this or that. He stated he just wants to watch the game and be supportive without those distractions.

The conflict: If he sits away from them, they judge it and take it personally and he doesn't want to create any turmoil. Yet he is yearning to be true to himself and what he is feeling. He also stated, " I always go along with what they say and now I want to be more masculine and respected. He stated he thinks people view him as a push over when he doesn't come out and state his mind. He said,"I'm tired of holding back but I just don't know how to express myself without it causing things to blow up. It's just not worth it. How do I sit separate without offending them?"

It was great to reflect to him how to pay attention to what suppressing feels like. (grateful it was alive in my consciousness due to your sharing) Also helping him come up with a dialogue that is neutral in some way yet effective to get his message through as it feels clumsy and awkward for him. It's not "in the moment" but it's a tool he can use as the alternative is avoidance or suppression. Michael then recognized this pattern and how it plays out in his work and home life. Learning how to express his energy without creating reactions.... Is that even possible? (I'm smiling).

So the struggle is so real!!!! So grateful for your timely expression as I could still feel your energy as I responded to my sons inquiries!! Makes me think there are so so many young adults coming into the world who have been conditioned to just react or told to "suck it up" by adults then that snowball just keeps rolling!!!
Amazing to think how your experience has touched the life of a young man thousands of miles away as I see all the beautiful interconnected strands reflecting light!!

Much love,
Erica

That's awesome Erica! Thank you for sharing - like you kind of giggled about as you shared your son's experience, most of the way I express has had this motto you mentioned "expressing our energy without creating reactions"... It feels like now I am invited to see how mucky and fuzzy things can be when I over do it with the blending and it becomes suppressing or just plain unclear... So more expressing in a way that has a possibility to be heard but not too overly concerned with the reaction or the receptivity of the receiver.

All these interconnected strands of light ... I love that image. Thank you Erica <3 Jen

I am having an odd experience in the body... It feels like the physical body is big and heavy and doesn't match what I feel like inside... Inside I feel as light as a wisp... Like a feathery tiny physical presence... Yet I perceive the body as massive and like a ton of bricks... I hear passing thoughts of wanting to shrink the body, not eat, run all day .... Heavier foods cause me to feel sick and lethargic and more identified with this giant blocky body... I feel a pull to be lighter and find it strange that I find myself eating vegan pizza or French fries. I suppose this is all around the body's set up versus our soul vibration. I see smoothies and juice and just raw really simple food like plain garden leaves feeling like a match and there is also this craving to drop this heavy body... But that is probably a bit distorted and retracting. Hmmm... Will see what comes.

Some things landing about this... Laughed as I realized the connection to why I had felt drawn to stop at someone's house today who had half a palette of pavers by the road - feeling I could use them in the garden to create something... Went up to the door to make sure I could take them and the door said "the lambs" and no one was home...To me that's about following and also an element of allowance. It's not that I reject this body as a whole ... It's that I feel so heavy... Like I am carrying extra weight... I saw so much learning experience and emotional attachment. I feel very drawn to dropping this extra weight I am carrying... Open to what shows up. There are so many layers to this as I see that there are elements of the body that the soul doesn't match but also that I am attuning to that through what I am eating and perhaps this allows me to be where I am physically... In the environment I am now in.

Having the feeling of somehow "giving people back to themselves" - though it's more letting go of what I need them to do/be/experience. Coming home from Seattle...there was the sense that I am harming in the aim to protect...I felt a huge weight lifted of needing to prevent some potential catastrophic event in my children's lives.

The first encounter I had with family, there was clearly some shift while I was gone and the child I have had the greatest concern around food and self-care has proclaimed her desire to change things and it's been so powerful to not be in the way of that by trying to manage it...so amazing to watch her want this from within herself...and what a massive lift it has been coming out of the power struggle...handing things to her, where it feels it belongs and where she very much wants it to be.

There has also been this sense of not needing to be the center of the family...being in my own center and not needing to orchestrate the way time is shared to meet some standard in my mind...watching as there isn't so much of a family "center" but possibilities and options...how do we each feel to spend time. I often want to be out exploring and for the most part everyone else wants to be home or playing sports or with friends- my internal resisitance to this reality has created a lot of strife in our time together...so finding I am supported in just going my own way a lot of the time and feeling (when there is that option) for when I truly feel to hang with everyone...funny how these things can open on their own when I find the way of being..it's like a magical key. Synchronistically, I finally unloaded all the bricks from my car that I felt to pick up last week...wonder what they may become?!

That's wonderful Jen. I observe that in families, there's such a strong conditioning to 'blend' - as if harmony can only happen that way. I think humanity slips into subconsciousness because of the subtle need for harmony.

    Yet there can be no lasting harmony if each isn't fulfilled in their own right. Each must find their own sovereignty and self-expression less blurring of ones own vibe in order for their to be true success, true harmony.

And so making space for oneself; then allowing each to be and do what they feel comfortable with. Then there will be spaces where overlap naturally happens without the need for control.

Awesome!

Open *OK*

Awwww confusion... The circumstance I find myself in beg the question is how I am being of the soul or of the ego.... Watching the constant retreat... The drawing away of energy from how it normally interacts with the other and how that effects the surroundings....it feels like peeling away layers of myself and in that it's a mixture of awfulness and rightness...in asking the universe " where is how I am being arising?" An image arises of fish being placed in a pair of sneakers... And the words "fish are meant to swim".... There is a sense of being out of place but massive resistance to continuing down this road.... It feels like I am driving a sword into everyone around me. I know I will continue to be me in it all but this slow and steady unraveling seems to drag out the inevitable and create more of an ache in me.

What do I wear my sneakers for except to run.... What am I running from but the confrontation of what I truly feel even if I don't want to feel it or find confusion when logic has no answers. Letting the fish be in the sea ... When all the doubts are stripped away, what remains but a naked knowing of what the truth is in those waters and all the ways I am running from it... Ugh it just feels impossible sometimes. And then again, I just can follow the one key... Of love...deeper connection inside and trust where that leads.

Feeling this and played the iPod on random ... Awesome song called "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

So interesting, While everyone in my house was asleep, i spent the night dancing alone in the dark with a shadow of myself projected on the wall by a light coming through the window. I did invite my husband to join me, and although I can feel part of him yearns to let loose in that way, he just won't. Just me and my mirror shadow image danced joyfully and it was incredibly rich and fulfilling. Lots of questions arose last night around this yearning for a real "dance" partner... What it means to me here in the physical.. If I am relating to another... What brings me joy in that relating and how much of that is an attachment based need. Isn't it enough to connect to myself... So why then is there still this someone that I feel in the space around me... Though still a distance away... This one feels physics but like he's approaching me but not yet here...there is a yearning to actually connect in the physical.

This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family. It may be broken as its all purple and I can't walk very well now. What in the word is this for? Is it more of the running from things... Dancing in the dark and scooting out before everyone else gets moving.... Am I not being physically present enough? How is this affecting walking the path?

Open to perspectives as I feel I am a bit in the dark here...

Thank you!
Jen

Hey Jen,

Lovely that you can dance in such freedom. But I do feel for you too. <3

Is not the message becoming increasingly obvious?...

    This morning I was getting ready to go out before everyone got up and I smashed my left toes into a box that contains old framed photos of family.

I'd say you've been getting the same message for some time. Have you accepted it yet? Clearly there's someone waiting there in the wings for you. But you also have to accept that for the energy to move in that direction. There's clearly some other letting go of expectation (of the current situation) to happen or resistance to what might unfold.

You could build that dance within the ether now if you really wanted to and were prepared to let go into it. You're creating in a spiritual way now - through consciousness. Which means you have to fully let go of the old relationship in that alchemical way in order for the new to begin to form.

Big hug

Open *give_rose*

PS - synchronistically the thought for the day today is...

    "The love we withhold is a measure of the pain we carry."

Hi Open- Yes when I look in the mirror it is all very clear what the message is and the knowing inside is very clear as well. The emotional attachment clouds it and makes it hard to see clearly- holding me in a repeating circle. There has been an expectation that the mental/emotional would align with the knowing but, no, they seem to stay nicely affixed to maintaining "what I always wanted" or playing back the fear that I am making it all up, that I am distant and cold, that I haven't given fully enough of myself... And this pulls me back in to engage in another round of "working things out". It seems the mind and emotions will just continue to play these tapes on and on...and of course I know that but being in it is quite different =). It's just trusting the feeling and allowing it all to arise without letting it be the guide. There is the vibe of who I am beyond all of this story and it clearly fuels a new vision of me.

I am actually growing quite tired of this story...I am tired of in between.... I must be all in- one way or the other.

Thank you Open... Big sigh ... <3

With love,
Jen

Do not love half lovers
Do not entertain half friends
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life and do not die a half death
If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent
If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it 
If you refuse then be clear about it
for an ambiguous refusal
is but a weak acceptance
Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes
Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results
Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not
Half a life is a life you didn't live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you
The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists
to live a life not half a life

Khalil Gibran

Jen, I feel to offer some 'advice', but as always, I do it with the proviso of saying that only your soul knows the truth, and so to test what I offer in relation to what you witness and see...

I'd say there's an invitation to fully explore the relationship with your Twin Flame - to dive fully into the divine dance, as a living breathing expression - witnessing the reflections in all that you see, but..... then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame.

Speaking from experience, it is the most profoundly beautiful relationship that you carry with you and is expressed everywhere, through all things - yet is not material.

From that, somewhere down the future, maybe a manifestation of that will materialise. As happened for me.

I offer a reflection.

Open

Dear M... Heartfull of gratitude for you and the poem that you shared .... <3 much love, Jen

In reply to by Open

Thank you Open and yes this is something I have been open to and exploring.

This exchange here on the forum has activated a familiar feeling ...this "ache" inside that pulses and flows up in waves through to my heart and throat. I observe that when this is felt a couple things happen. The energy starts to feel very sensual and probably gets distorted into sexual energy as it feels like it wants to express in the physical. I feel very tactile and physically expressive at these times and it's incredibly intense to contain it. If it doesn't get diverted into that kind of expression, then it draws in others around me...who seem to get pulled in by what I am feeling inside. It's really hard then not to play that out, but this is also sending mixed signals I feel in the current situation.

You said "then taking those reflections back inside yourself without the need for full physical manifestation of your Twin Flame."

I see this is part of the resistance... Some part of me - is having a hard time accepting the idea of not being able to connect physically with another... And I can see the distortion in that and also feel some fear of not being in the safety of the situation I am now in, knowing what I may draw to myself with the energy that is coming up in me.

Ohhh lots to feel... So this energy feels strong right now and I am just containing and watching it... seeing if there is an aligned way for me to express this.

Much love and gratitude,
Jen

Yes I understand.

But maybe you slightly misunderstand me.

I'm not saying that energy shouldn't be expressed - including sexual. There's a way of dancing in it, like a miraculous dream, but without a physical partner. Why limit yourself by something you can't control? However, the alchemy inside you can still be fully expressed. And because it maybe wants to happen sexually, doesn't necessarily mean it's distorted.

Something to explore.

Open

Thanks Open ... I am being with it and exploring what's going on and may email you to work with it. Love, Jen

Ok so, coming back to the energy .... I am able to relax around the circumstances and allow the space that is avaulable to me now to nurture a deeper internal exploration... It is all about the energy and I am seeing that so strongly....feeling, exploring, expressing it without need for it to be with anyone else in the material... Though I do feel these kind of qualities of being around me... I can see this forming a bridge of completeness inside and allowing the external pieces to shift in alignment with that. I see the way I have been holding out for something to change here to make the external circumstances stay intact.... A bit of attempted internal negotiations as the gap here grows and has scared me a bit. Feeling on track and able to let go of the mental/ emotional gymnastics.

Thank you <3 Jen

I didnt know where to post this.
I suppose the flow sometimes hits some dark spots so maybe this is appropriate.
I dont know where to turn so I turn to openhand.
Sometimes I feel like a snowflake in a firestorm.
I cant take this world so I turn to substances, its too painful, and im too weak.
I cant help but wish to be out of this existence. How many souls sacrificed their lives so I could sit here writting this.
How can I talk of love, I an ocean of pain. Drowning amongst the waves of despair.
Its all so wrong and I cant help but feel the sooner the human experience is over the better for all concerned.
Its seems the gnostics may be right, the universe is the demiurge and we are his pawns. His greatest trick convincing us he was god.
Maybe the majority of humanity are unconsciouss clones happy to walk off the cliff.
Awakened souls are few and far between. Ive wittnessed beautiful souls burning in the fires of this world. They're gone! Lost! For what! For who! Why must we suffer in this way! No amount of tears can cover the pain.
Sparkles has lost his spark in this world.
I will stay as long as I must but it doesnt change the fact I wish I was home.
I hate being in this world and what it does to me.
I want to go home.

Love to you openhanders!
I pray you are stronger than me.

Hey Zac - everyone's with you brother. *give_rose*

You are strong enough - because - you can feel the pain. Yes, I know what being here is like, all too well. You describe very accurately what many evolving people - many starsouls - feel.

Evolution in this place is often a delicate balance - between feeling the pain so you can integrate lost aspects of soul gold, therefore being human, but as the pain gets too much, letting yourself expand out and through it into your cosmic self.

What are those things that make you feel expanded?

And by that, I don't mean hallucinogens! What these do is create too strong a polarity - identities around the higher state, and ones around the lower. Consciousness bounces around between the states. It becomes hard to find your true centre - your real anchor in the storm.

Let pure presence become the anchor. Breakthrough all identities and let none own you - especially not the 'good' and 'up' ones. Just pure presence. Pure isness.

So what are the things you can do on a day-by-day basis that feel 'right' in your life? Simple things, like nature, meditation, bodywork, music, healthy food good companionship. Keep finding this rightness of the soul and the soul will increasingly deliver you onto the shores of presence.

Do this as much as you can. Increasingly you'll find it easier and easier to cope with it all.

I'm with you, benevolence is with you, these are humungous changes going on, and for someone who can feel all that turmoil in the field, it's deeply challenging. So look for the timeless Fifth Density aswell.

And finally reach out to those you can really trust in - reach out here as you have done.

You have a welcome home here

Open *OK*

Your right of course.
The psychadelics did serve a purpose for me. I needed to know what I was doing was real and not a dream created by my mind, but the price was high.
Maybe too high.
It did create polarities in me and like you said Ive been bouncing between them.
I want to apologise to myself.
Im sorry.
I must get back to where this all started. To where your pointing, back to the moment. It used to be about feeling for me. Feeling within the body throughout every moment. That was my anchor.
It seems so long ago.
I'm not sure if I can make it back but I must at least try.
Thanks for being there for me again open, and creating a safe place in the storm.

Zac, me again, pesky huh ;)

I can't find words cause I feel the pain as you do, I just stand beside you brother.

'I know all too well it don't come easy' sometimes Zac I think if people hand an inkling of the journey that's been - whoaaagh. But here we are.

Zac

I'm with you. I find solace within this existence when I am "found" by another soul breaking through. Silently tearing a gentle hole to shine light so that it's reflected back deeply.

I've currently found peace within the smallest insect using it's instincts or antennas to feel it's way through.

Just today I was kayaking on a lake with the warm sunshine and blue skies. I felt so peaceful then a dark cloud with torrential heavy rain started to pour. Of course it was when I had reached the furthest point from my launch spot. I had kayaked for a few hours. When it was clear and the water calm, I watched ducks and loons. Two by two they were building a nest on open water. Just moving about. Then on the return, I was soaking wet and the temperature had dropped to 48degrees or 8.9 Celsius. I kept moving as I felt my muscles cooling. A slight panic was coming in as I hadn't told "anyone" where I would be, I hadn't brought a phone or even a sip of water. I was wearing light clothes...I actually started to laugh and that pesky voice went quiet. At one point I unwrapped cold fingers from the paddle and my hands were stiff and ached. Then my gaze fell upon the loons who were still within the storm moving the same as if the external environment had no impact upon their purpose. They dove and swam gracefully and naturally within the storm as they did within the stillness. It was an amazing sight to behold! So profound to witness these creatures moving as if untouched by the physical world.

Just felt to share this with you
Much love,
Erica

Please increase your peskyness great friend. Thank god for you, literally. Its comforting to know your here too.
What a journey indeed, so tired it makes me, which helps in a way cause I cant be bothered running from what must be done.
You know this world can chuck everything it has at me, come at me in every which way possible but Im still here, WE are still here.
Im not afraid.
And because of you guys I can stand proud and say "Im not alone!"

There's another silver lining too of course, accelerating out of this quagmire I find myself in shall be quite the ride.