Spirituality & Relationships

Submitted by Padma on Mon, 06/15/2015 - 09:13

Dear Open & to all my friends in the spiritual path,

Firstly, my wholehearted Thanks to Open and everyone on this path for their support and guidance.

I am sure we all have encountered some difficult challenges in life which help us only to evolve and go deeper to find our "authentic true self" , as life only presents with situations so that consciousness can evolve through you. I was just curious how you have handled difficult relationships in the past? The relationships with very closed ones Spouse, Partner) become even more challenging when the other person is not on the same path. Through different situations in life I have attracted my partner in life who does have a good heart but only lives in the mind. He is a guy with numbers ( Engineer & Business Man) and needs evidence to believe in most of the things.Not only that he had a traumatic childhood with a very dysfunctional relationship with his mother, who still abuses him and puts him down . He has never taken time to get in touch with his feelings and tries to run away from them by involving too much at work. He says his relaxation comes only when he works. Not only that but whatever I say or suggest to him, he feels like I am behaving like his mom to the extent that he will take his anger on me saying mean things and putting down.

Through my experience only people who are very disconnected with their own true self can only feel disconnected with everything around them and can have anger and resentment with unresolved issues from childhood. When I sit in deep meditation with this and an action to take a thought comes to me again and again that to wait until you move. ( We are moving to a new place) I am moving close to my job and he will be commuting and be with the family in the weekends until he finds something close by. Here is my challenge I try to stay present and not to react to his remarks. I try to be present and take a few breaths before I even talk, but there are times when I completely loose it. I react and add to his negative energy. Some times with awareness and some times the conditioning takes over. I know that any true relationship is only with your deep inner self and as soon as we start expecting something out of a relationship it crumbles battles of ego which again is a manifestation of small mind. Sometimes when I am in deep meditation words like "compassion "and "unconditional love" also pop up but it has been challenging for me how to be present and compassionate when the other person is being mean to you ( especially when you have to live with them). Any advice or guidance is appreciated as I let my higher guidance to unfold itself for an answer.

Love & Light,

Padma

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Open Mon, 06/15/2015 - 17:30

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Hi Padma,

Relationships on the path are often challenging - especially so when one of the partners begins to shift and the other doesn't. They're especially challenging because this is where you really get to test your truth - something compels you to be connected, yet you keep butting up into frictions, even anger and resentment. What to do?

The truth is I think you pretty much answered your own questions - it usually always happens; it's just a question of whether we see it, and act on it, that counts.

You said...

    "I know that any true relationship is only with your deep inner self and as soon as we start expecting something out of a relationship it crumbles"

I put it to you that your only relationship is that with the divine - experienced within. I say that as someone who is with their soulmate. The outer is a reflection of the inner. If the inner world is dissonant, then the outer one will be.

For me, the notion of 'relationship' has been replaced by a 'relating experience'. I - as a soul - am in relationship with the divine within. This reflects into the external in which I have a relating experience.

In your words, even though you say you know not to expect of your partner, I can clearly hear that you do - it sounds like you need them to be awake, or to grow, or to be this way or that. They key is to be 100% you. Not to tailor how you are because you want or need something from them. Are you prepared for them to go their own way? Are you prepared for you to go yours? Everyday?

We are not fixed at the hip. Two souls walk together not because something is expected of them. They walk together because they walk their own path and find the other is walking along side.

We have to have the courage to be us, whatever that might mean. We have to have the courage to say "this doesn't work for me; I can't live this way". Then to act on that feeling. Only then can you be in truth with another - to be living authentically.

    I've noticed for example, how it's quite frequently the case, that sensitive women are too giving in relationship. There's a tendency to be dissolving of their own needs. It can build lack of contentment on the woman's part, and lack of sensitivity on the guy's.

I've noticed the only way to cause someone else to change in a relationship (a relating experience), is to change yourself. Be yourself, come what may, whatever the outcome might be. Be clear with the other what does and doesn't serve you. What do you actually need from the relating experience? Not necessarily from them - not that you need them to fulfill it - but what is your soul calling out for as an expression? Don't settle for less than what you know in your heart is real for you.

Then one of two things will happen:

  1. The other person will be encouraged to change and you'll find a higher harmony with them
  2. You'll part company because you're not getting from the relationship what you need.

Can you be awesomely okay with the second outcome? Because in my experience, it's the only way to have a possibility of catalysing the first one.

I think you might find this of benefit Padma...Redefining Relationships

Wishing you well

Open *give_rose*