Hi Anastasia.

Welp - to cut directly to it - your response and superbly authentic personal sharing helped catalyze some major shifts in me today. :) I can tell you why intellectually based on my own pattern recognition but that doesn't seem to matter right now. I just want to thank you for following your intuition and saying "f*ck it I'll post this", and share with you some of what you helped to catalyze just by stepping up and being you.

Highlights:

- Came out of meditation this morning feeling a little frustrated and impatient. "Only" made it 20 minutes before I felt like I had to move on with the day. I have been feeling areas of tension that want to unravel but they don't want to be noticed and work exceptionally hard to keep it that way. I recognized intellectually that I'm circling around my own lack of trust, but wasn't able to touch it within me.

- Had more contemplation arise around recent feelings of not being supported. In my career and within my marriage, specifically. The old tried and true perceived lack of worthiness. Self judgment. Cart or horse? Regardless we all know that drill. Ugh.

- I was energized to see you'd responded and read your post in segments. The first part was right before I hopped in the shower to get ready for work. Your question around "how do I feel about accepting a compliment" was first met with blankness by my mind at its level. A "hey - sure - I've been complimented on plenty of stuff and it's not been an issue... at least I don't think..." ..... then curiously I watched as my heart started to chew on it. And then it hit me. A million different experiences flooded in all at once and I realized that what I've been circling around is my own inability to accept love. The unconditional, divine kind - the one that loves me for me. Where joy arises spontaneously just for the sake of it.

- I had just gotten in the shower when that realization landed to where I could begin to truly touch it internally, and the cascading water pouring down helped me grieve tears mixed with joy. That strange sense of grief that feels so good to release and feels beautiful to pour out.

- I drove to work and synchronicity followed me the entire way in. Between the music on auto-select and the physical world itself supporting me, I read the rest of your post in little pieces while driving. I also re-referenced several of our previous correspondence and it gave the experience a real "quantum" non linear feel.

- It was a bone chilling cold, grey, rainy day - perfect weather that held the space and allowed me to embody and express the pain of self imposed isolation and perceived abandonment.

- I got to the point Open would call being one with the pain to the point of not needing it to go away. The song "Yellow" by Coldplay was playing on auto-select. I was gagging, choking, screaming, then breathless. And suddenly I was aware of a black snake wrapped around my solar plexus. Without further ado I unceremoniously spat half of it out my mouth, and pulled out the rest of it with energetic arms. Then I crap you not it turned green in the light of day/awareness, and then traveled down the front of me and re-entered my base chakra and up my toroidal field. I then saw it as a revolving connected green circle of energy from base up to third eye and back again. (That escalated quickly; right?! That's what I was thinking at the time) Edit: just now saw Open's Byron Bay post about "toroidal fields" - odd that that was the term I used in my notes from this morning to describe it since I've never used it before.

- My eyes were filled with tears I hadn't yet let fall, and they turned the dashboard of my car into a kaleidoscope of auric shapes and colors. I suddenly noticed lights around the console had turned into a connected blob of a giant green circle that dominated my entire field of vision. I blinked and let the tears fall and realized that my car (a Honda Hybrid that I'd bought just last week) had gone into Eco Mode and was charged up enough to run off its own battery/electrical source. It only turns Green when running off its own power rather than external fuel.

- Throughout the day I watched as many situations that I originally perceived as conflict turned to potential based on my own inner realignment.

- Tons of additional mini-realizations/experiences happened, especially now looking back at the entire breadth of the day. But bottom line - towards the end of the work day, the feedback loop is completed and the outline of my next Step is revealed!

Your compliment of how I "leave no stone unturned, no book unread" and keep going no matter what until full completion .... took on new meaning for me - experientially - today. Compliment accepted!

With gratitude,
Paul E