Hi Open,

Thanks for the response. I think that's a good idea to focus on one thing and commit to it, I'll be doing that going forward. Presence is one I still wrestle with as I feel I keep falling half unconscious so often, and into mind. I need to practice not just being aware but to bring higher consciousness into that awareness too.

I feel like I don't so much have addictions as poor habits. If anything I'd say I was addicted to escape, which I do when I'm not accepting the situation I co-created. I stew and dwell in the victim energies and then half-consciously reach for the escape. I've narrowed them down to one game and one movie a day, but I don't like the way I feel after. I feel even more cut off from myself, more murky and somnalent. Why I still reach for them though is the lack of progress in getting to my internal anchor. It still just feels like I'm staring at a murky wall rather than making any connection and it's frustrating. I'm still not sure how to get there or how to let go enough to fall past the murky energy.

This morning though, my cold plunge felt good so I was able to stay with it longer. I also added a brief dragon breath and then right after I pressed on my eyes as per your suggestion and wow, what a show! It's like the murk gradually parted to reveal all these points of electric indigo. Then they parted and it was like there was a dim yellow sun and I could see all these waves of energy flowing from it in arching waves. Then the sun got smaller and smaller while turning a bright white as the waves continued to undulate. Eventually the sun disappeared and all that was left was this perfect, absolute blackness that looked so peaceful and inviting. Maybe I was seeing the void? If I could surrender right into it I would be motivated to meditate with it, but I can't seem to get past the murk. So I think that's going to be a new way for me to meditate. It felt good to feel a little more like myself again.

Yes, I agree, I won't be able to move on until I catch the flow inside, which is why I believe I'm here. Just haven't been able able to get much shifted; I just keep staring at the murk or get myself into a 4D bubble. So I'm going to try other ways like the dragon breath while cold plunging, and maybe a walking sunrise meditation. Getting myself out of the rut somehow should help. I just need to push past the fears and depression.

Thank you again for your support and guidance!