This post/invitation has prompted a recall of flashes of a dream I had last night with you in it. I don’t remember much from it but figure that’s my sign to show up here. :)

Honestly I have been feeling depressed. There’s been a deep sense of shame that I havent had the stones to follow the Pull to leave my career 6 months ago. New avenues have continued to open since then and I continually remind myself that trust is not an all or nothing deal. But the world seems grey and I’ve watched myself placating it with overconsumption and mindlessness.

Patternwise: All of my primary father figures have simultaneously come into my life.

Sex drive has also kicked into high gear of late. Working to channel it into creativity instead of just physical pleasure.

Career is going well productivity-wise without much effort, and the business world offers no shortage of experiences to delve into tightness. Public speaking is a major one. I’m bending the Matrix before breaking it, and have taken the Robin Hood archetype and applied it to my daily life and income, and have been truly heartwarmed by being able to help people in need who truly benefit.

I am currently exploring the idea that I’ve distorted spirituality itself into the next great “quest.” It’s been a challenge to continue meditation practice but it’s the one thing I’ve stayed consistent with. At times it does feel like an avoidance mechanism. “When does it all end” is the phrase that keeps coming to mind.

Everything feels so ... buried. Also feeling like it’s the ultimate vanity to be so focused on myself! Like I’m holding up a mirror and am totally engrossed in it while ignoring the entire world around me. This whole post has that same tone. :) Mentally i can comfort myself by ideas of the stage I am in, but I want to f-ing FEEL it.

Lastly - I keep feeling twinges of jealousy(!) immediately followed by guilt for feeling that way. I just realized that I’m actually envious of people here at Openhand who are at a different place on the path than I am, who can feel and intuit these things better than I am able to at this point. Wow - I’m really sorry guys. I’m so grateful for the contributions of everyone on the site and especially on the retreat!

Paul