Hi Openhand,

I'd like to reflect on my recent weeks and ongoing inquiries... I believe I described in the other post that post-Divinicus I have been in this weird inertia-like feeling. I would describe it as hopelessness, depression, not wanting to act on anything. Very thick dark cloud holding me and somehow forcing me into putting energy just into anything else but something meaningful. Any time I would already be getting to some task that I needed to do (work or so), my attention would 'slide away' from facing that resistance back into some comfort. Even when I got tired of this whole dynamic and I finally got into just sitting and feeling... of course the meditation did somehow clear it, I felt motivated but then I got to the task and there again, somehow my energy slided elsewhere.

To give a specific example: In the morning, I decide I am going to do some kind of work, I feel expanded and motivated. But I decide - let's first check Instagram, let's first check Openhand or whatever... And so doing the easier first then kind of devours my energy and drains it into something else. Somehow I get easily conditioned into avoiding pain and sliding into a distraction. Best way to explain it would be: doing anything possible just to avoid the task/pain. I do feel though this could be another layer of the whole dynamic. Maybe not Greys anymore but Tall Whites??...

I haven't thought of any external interference until yesterday. What really helped me was Tilly pointing out to me yesterday that it could be Grey energy. After reading that, I saw that possibility as even some synchronicities might have been pointing that out to me.

I also got a night visitation yesterday which I don't remember too much. Not the first one but definitely one of the more intense. The presence was doing its' best to make me feel terror/fear. I don't have many memories but I did apply breakthrough breathing and I do get a sense there was some kind of transmutation of the energy into more expanded and positive feelings after that. It was also reflected by a nice dream where I was working in a café in an inertia like state of 'that's how we've always done it here' and there came a group of people who showed me how it could be done differently and I saw how easy that actually was :). I'm currently working with this whole thing and it's getting somewhere. But I'd like to inquire here more into some things around this whole topic.

How one attracts grey energy?
Firstly, I noticed that the article describes this energy as 'external source'. But I am well aware that any kind of energy is latching only onto something where it can, where there is an unconsciousness or karma inviting that. So I am contemplating about what unconsciousness could manifest this particular kind of energy. It's probably a question with different answer for anybody but is it possible to say generally?

Compassion
I certainly feel compassion and grief around Orions. It hasn't been like that before but after knowing their story, I do feel mostly that. What I am aware though, is that I am kind of getting lost in the compassion. Like being so compassionate, I get blind to possible malevolence. Seeing them only as small innocent kids who were harmed by someone else. I don't know why I put this here but it belongs here. Sometimes, I also feel to work to help realign any energies in my field (really just improvising), like Greys, and this above might be something that's surfacing up in these experiences. Basically, I myself can get naive/gullible and overlook shadow side, possibly getting duped in some way.

The Golden Shadow
I would like to also share how I worked with these blue grey feelings over the last couple of days. I am not fully aware of what was the first impulse to get out of it. But I am aware that two days ago when I was really miserable I finally got into writing it all out and that helped to turn around in a big way. It always does for me, just writing whatever wants to be said at the moment.

There was also this inquiry into 'golden shadow' which is the term from Jungian psychology. Shadow is whatever is repressed or unconscious, not only the 'negative' aspects of the Self. So therefore there is also a golden shadow which means that a person hides also their true potential in their shadow/unconsciousness. And to get to that, you have to dig into all the shit, not just the bright one.

Let's give it an example and I'll use some of mine. I do now feel strongly getting pulled to my true path to share my truth, to help others spiritually through coaching, facilitation or such. To also speak to groups not just individuals and to start building a community. But at the times I might see only the bright side. To do all of those nice things, I certainly have to equalise with getting ridiculed, humiliated, betrayed, abandoned, rejected, ignored, laughed at, being disagreed and so on. How can you speak whatever you feel when you can't handle disagreement? Until you get truly intimate with the disagreement itself and integrate it, you will still be sabotaging yourself over and over. Unconsciously, because you want to avoid disagreement. Basically, for me it's just another way to describe the process of karma/enlightenment through the optics of Jungian psychology.

Why this resonates so much? Because I think that's what's been going on for me. It's much more visible now post-Divinicus but it's been increasingly happening for months now. I feel I do want to be all-in, I feel being pulled to my true path and it resonates so much. It fills me with huge waves of joy just writing about it. But there are still those small scared identities who don't want to go that way. Because they might get hurt in any way.

There was another very helpful thing I did which brought up joy in me and kind of worked like an antidote to the feelings above. While going through the inquiry about the golden shadow, I watched a podcast, where the man offered a prompt: What part of me thinks shining my light feels unsafe?... Asking this brought up two identities for me ('the high school one' and 'the son') which I then - one at a time - talked to in the meditation in whatever way felt right - but more importantly listened them out, their pains and fears. It then turned out very similar as inner child/teenager meditation in 5Gateways. But what I found very helpful was to engage with those identities because they have so much to share which they might never had a chance to. I also honoured them as their existence in the past had its' purpose to bring those much needed experiences. I truly felt very expanded after this experience. Probably for the first time, I experienced a very nice feeling which might be hard to describe in words - I was observing how 'the son' identity (around 10 years old) experienced how whatever happened to him was smaller then him. He was not a small victim of any experience but was actually expanded over it and just watching how that's happening inside of him... I remember asking on Divinicus if one can use the inner child meditation for any other identity and now I know it works wonders.

No conclusion to any of this but it certainly is an interesting journey so far. Any reflections or personal experiences are highly welcomed.

Thank you 🙏
Dominik