Hi Open (and everybody),

I love the ravens, just amazing!!! The 'crow' as a crown is wow. Thank you for sharing the photos and for making it possible to 'participate'.

Here is my exploration with the questions you posted:

1. One thing that is happening now in my life is that I sleep a lot. Even when I am awake, I have this sleepy feeling. After many years of 'activity' I am brought to rest and let go expectations of myself and just let everything happen, which is mainly relaxation and relaxed action. It seems that even what I do things I do them 'the Tao way' - I don't do anything, I wait until it somehow happens. There is a sense of floating. But it is not blissful and I am not expecting it to be. It is almost like being sort of 'dead', a very peaceful and quiet kind of floating.

Another thing - I feel I am changing now, my every-day activities change, as if a chapter is finished and something new begins, but it contains within it things I've learned in the past that were put aside for a while. Also people 'fall away', other people come to my shore, usually reflecting honesty and directness, so I recognise this is one of the qualities to watch within myself and express. And some relationships transform into a more aligned form, which brings me a sense of deep satisfaction, as if something that didn't feel right for years suddenly falls into place.

I am learning to love without stickiness, non-sticky friendships and aligning my relationship with my family. A miracle happened and me and my mom and my sister are friends. Now I am learning to appreciate it, but not hold on to it.

My relationship with my body changes. This year was challenging, and I got to realise how vulnerable the body is, as well as temporary and finite. So combining this VERY grounding realisation with a sense of endlessness inside, as well as acceptance and work with states of panic, fear and other feelings having to do with death or disease are a challenge.

Another big thing is 'loss of consciousness', what would happen in so-called psychosis. In spiritual work a lot is put on being aware, conscious and grounded. Yet, very interesting things happen when these are gone. Loss of them is also a complete loss of control. The whole frame of reference and linear logic are completely disrupted. A stream is released and out of that stream new connections and realisations arise, together with a lot of incoherent noise. While it is a very humbling experience, and it has a very strong impact, still the realisation how thin the line is between sanity and insanity is a bit scary. Fear of losing control in this way is something I've been working on for a while.

And the last - facing the unknown potential. I kind of live in the unknown, where everything is temporary and anything can happen. Anything I have I can lose at any moment, at any moment things can happen... Not because it is 'romantic', but because it's just the way it is, the way life made it. Some of those options though require attention, because they either scare me or bring me pain or both. This pre-meditation is something very interesting. I am used to meditate about the past and about the present, but pre-meditation is quite amazing way to face my fears and resistance and let go a priori.

2. What's blocking me... Recently I scan my past a lot. And I judge it. This judgment stops me from making peace with it, learn from it and move on. I feel the weight of the years and painful experiences pressing me as if requiring something, a process of grief, recognising beautiful moments too, and all the lessons and final acceptance. Moving through with all the losses and 'failures' to a place where I would not feel like that about them anymore. But in the meantime it is like that. Then lack of trust. In myself and the flow. My life and especially recent years taught me to thread more carefully. But there is a lot of fear, doubt and mistrust. I move through all this, I know that this will clear as I will continually 'do what's right', what feels right, and see that the noise from out there and from within does not consume and derail me anymore. The last thing is time. It scares me. Of all things in life this one is the trickiest :) There is no time and suddenly I am 40 haha! Something in the current rhythm of life and human longevity seems very weird, it is both limiting and surprising. I just started realising stuff but the body got weary. So I meditate about this - getting old, changing in this way, watching older people I know and how do I feel about it. It's like politically incorrect to talk about it, cuz hey, I am not the body, but... it is very classical 40 yo crisis within a very unsupportive society, where botox is what is supposed to help us age gracefully...

3. Gifts of beingness - honesty is the most important one. I used to think I was honest. Time let me know otherwise. The experiences over the last 3 years peeled crap of me that I didn't even know was there. So redefining honesty and sincerity, with myself and others. Courage too, a peaceful, quiet kind of courage, nothing to prove or show. In general, motivation becomes very 'dampened', in a good way, and internal. I am not going to be the next 'Napoleon' in this lifetime and it is okay. I have my little straw to carry and help me God to do it right. I feel like I finally acquired 'the breaks' and proportions I always missed. Then there is this deep connection within myself. Another thing is non-judgmental discernment - to not deny, SEE, but at the same time not to judge and react. Always was tricky for me. Most challenging - be here and now. It is about the kind of relaxation, of 'giving up' that just lands me there. Luckily I don't have to struggle for it. I was fairly 'beaten up' by events, like a good piece of metal, to do it effortlessly once I feel tense. Something in me knows what holding on and controlling do and create and where they will take me and it gave up the fight. And it is important I keep in my awareness I am not alone. I sometimes forget and get too isolated. Being alone is amazing but then knowing when to pop up is also important.

<3