Ray 1 - I went into warrior energy today, allowed it to express and felt more alive than usually, but then there was a drop of energy, I barely had any to drag myself home. Possibly, it has to do with iron deficiency (anemia). I lost a lot of blood during recents months, after the operation. But all this just creates a set up for an experience which I am slowly diving into and exploring.

Today during meditation came up an old karmic experience, which I already felt through a decade ago, I could see new nuances and relation to other karmic experiences, on a different level. It had to do with losing a child, then behaving in such way that my partner left me, losing hope, faith, and a will to live and eventually hanging myself. For over a year I've been feeling a kind of pressure in my neck, pain and a sense that I can't fully breath in. Suffocation is not a new regression for me, taking me to different flashbacks, including a completely different place in the cosmos, but I felt it is about something specific this time...

During several lifetimes I was really suffering, physically, emotionally, mentally, and the moment of death then brought relaxation, relief, comfort -- all the pain, disappointment, the denseness, worries, all the noise, effort, limitations just were left behind. Experience of pure grace and lightness. While it seemed like God is not around in this world, and definitely abandoned me, or it was me that turned my back on God and shut any connection off, but at the moment of dying everything divine was embracing, comforting and meeting my soul and I could feel free, liberated, finally. While life seemed like a burden and nightmare, death was a redemption. In short, the judgement is that death is better than life. I got attached, even addicted to the experience, and the tougher and more dramatic life was the more amazing was the moment of death, when all this was over.

Moreover, there is this distortion of going back to complete non-existence, the ultimate death, a repetitive fixation - as if I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I don't want to reincarnate or exist in any form whatsoever. As if the most perfect way of being is not to be at all. This is also when one does the least damage, to itself, others, the surrounding environment - when not living. In this lifetime the first time I thought about escaping existence was when I was 9 yo, and this thought never left me. During cycles of pain 'escape' is the default 'button'. Every loss, every disappointment with life, every break up, every intense suffering I felt deep grief and this idea popping up every time, like some ready to go recipe. It took me years to learn to work with it and not act upon it. Today it came up, together with the hanging experience.

I was feeling the sadness before and the relief after, and I cried a lot, again. After softening into everything and experiencing the moment of death, I could see that I am experiencing it now, so I don't have to actually die for it. I just need to open to it. But the 'connection' is strong. I have more layers there, distortions and potentially more flashbacks to move through.

I've been making 1+1 and at the moment I am experiencing this half-dead state in my life, being extremely tired, wanting to sleep all the time, and maybe, in some way, I don't want to 'wake up' and act, so there might be some subconscious resistance to ray 1 indeed. Being sleepy, relaxed and apathetic is the closest to death one can get while being alive, and it is potentially a distortion of ray 2 - becoming too surrendered. Is there such a thing? Even though I feel the boundaries and feeling out what's right are pretty solid. Also ray 1 does activate in many other situations, like when processing or speaking my truth. I still quite don't see what about ray 1, but I guess it will come. In the meantime, maybe I am taken into the experience of death while being alive for a while. I asked for it so many times, and here it is. Some power wants me here, and my soul does too, it is still here. A different and a more aligned solution is to be found. I already see potential revelations after today's session.

The exploration around death, from both directions - being afraid of and intimidated by it, how it strips and takes away, and its unpredictability, and on the other hand this yearning for it, because it does carry so many gifts. It is something so divine but also very down to earth. I mean more down to earth than death? When it is faced in reality this is the end of all fantasies and delusions, it puts everything into proportion and you just can't lie to yourself or anybody else anymore. So I feel to let it happen, experience it all, and then take all the gifts, realisations and ways of being back into life.

Reminded me of this song and video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFptt7Cargc

I wanted to say thanks for the Keep Your Eyes on Me song - I found it here right after the session and it was very soothing and heart-warming.

<3