This message feels so supportive right now. I feel I am in a battle within myself. I have completed the first of four months of a practicum placement, which seems to be the perfect circumstance to stir up all of the deepest fears and doubts that have limited the fullest expression of myself. If it were shorter, it would not be enough to really break through - these patterns have survived a long time, and it's taking the persistent sense of no escape for these identities to see that hiding, pushing away, disembodying, trying to assuade self-doubt with more mental knowledge are not sustainable.

The vulnerability is breaking through - the open willingness to be present in the experience. I feel throughout the day moments when I breathe and relax and let it all in and other times when fight or flight is kicking in, and the urge to hide or escape is enormous. The squeeze of the fears and doubts come and go, stripping away the defenses against them.

Yesterday, when I was home for the day, all the energy I was sitting on during the week came up as a wave of overwhelm, panic, and immense fear of being responsible for something that was outside of my capacity. A visceral memory arose through the body that brought on guttural sobs - nothing I can really name but a memory that was alive in the body and outside the mind's understanding. Eventually came solace and peace through the experience. I have never experienced anything quite like that.

When you mention the lotus arising from the mud I see the bud that has recently emerged and how very important it is to realize these times of intensity are inviting a breakthrough. I feel on the other side of this round for now...and it seems to be coming in waves with times of relative harmony and then more intensity.

Thank you for this message - I can never hear it too much!!

Jen