Betrayal by my family is a huge issue I've been carrying and it came up huge this week. I got into this subconscious contract where I live, with the workers as parents and me as the child, giving my sovereignty to them, because I thought it was what I had to do to earn my apartment. People pleasing and giving my power away for the right to basic needs of life. Like my mother (mostly) taught me. Like she learned from her mother. Well I got betrayed by one of the workers this week. It was a lesson in boundaries yes, but the way it was done was so disrespectful I changed how I see her now. But where I really got stuck today is the pain of it. The core wound of my mother's rejection. Still so much pain but at what point do I say ok it's time to move on? How do I know I'm not self-indulgent vs purging? Im not sure I'm making progress purging the pain. How long does it take? Am I being too impatient with myself? Then there's another huge block for me: the insecure narcissist. I am a fucking magnet for them and am livid at myself for the million times I let them get the better of me. I no surprise have the "worst" one living right beside me, just like the one I finally managed to get away from at the last place I lived. At least this time the playing field is more level. But I still let myself get pulled into the bullshit with my anger defense mech, which doesn't even work, just keeps me bound to them. So big push to pull my attention away and stay present and that being such a minute by minute battle I know I've lost some of my soul. Its like I'm a zombie in a constant daze. Diet changes are helping so I need to step that up. But the biggest thing I'm seeing is how my anger at myself for my weakness and letting myself be intimidated and always on the defensive and the self pity that I'm being treated that way is I think the hardest thing on me. Self betrayal. I have heart issues and today I had an episode which is tachycardia chest pain and shortness of breath. Pre-heart attack situation. Many times during one of these episodes I've managed to relax my body to the degree my heart corrected itself. Today I struggled for a few minutes and then remembered often these episodes have an emotional basis, like today's emotionalism. When I remembered this I told my heart "they (insecure narcissists) don't matter! We are stronger than them!" Before I even finished this statement my heart corrected itself. So how do I know when to allow the emotions for purging purposes and when to let them be? Physically I had over done it but getting out of the house helped so much. Stuck between a rock and a hard place with my poor health. But another issue too: egoic resentment. Being told harshly (in my mind anyway) when I was in victim mode and looking for sympathy and understanding that I was the problem was absolutely the honest truth, but letting the next door narcissist rile me put me in attack mode and everyone who very justly didn't support me the way I wanted, as a coddled child, was up for attack. Realizing I would have reacted the same way to anyone coming at me with the self-pity. That's maybe why the military does it that way, to push that childishness out of them. But I managed at least to get myself out of that state of mind by repeating to myself "But they're right, I am clingy and needy and I create situations with my crappy attitude and people pleasing and then cry when I get beat up for it. I asked for it, period." I myself am the insecure narcissist. But then seeing the opportunity of becoming someone I can be proud of because I will no longer participate in this ego tug of war, I will not allow myself to be pulled into others anger. I will not blame others for not picking up the baggage that is my own. The huge invitation to no longer need validation or company, to become the lone wolf I always wanted to be. To be able to stand on my own two feet and not need anyone to tell me I'm worthy. I determine my worth. I direct my life, I don't hand it over to others who don't even see me. I KNOW I'm stronger than these things, but still letting myself get dragged back down. Realizing as I write that, it's exactly what has to happen, until I no longer let it happen. And giving myself a hard time about it is immensely counter-productive. Hard day but some good work coming out of it. Thanks for listening.🙏🤍✨