This is really incredible, that as I am finding my peace with the pain of separation and distortion, over the last couple of weeks, this article appears, as if it's some kind of confirmation, that it's ok.

To me, it feels as if I am continuously realizing the wall between me and this place where I can disappear and finally feel at home. Because this place... it brings tears to my eyes every time I am touching it... is just unattainable. There will always be a wall, as long as I exist. It's a promise never fulfilled. I stopped mourning about it, and started to see that if this wall was not there, I wouldn't be able to experience home. But I didn't stop crying, both in the moments of experiencing its beauty overflowing my heart, enveloping me, taking everything away, and in the moments of deep sorrow and painful yearning. I cry my heart to the universe a lot now and it washes and comforts me with love.

And I know for sure, I will all get there when the time comes. At this point I don't mind to spend eternity in this longing, because I found my peace with this feeling I am experiencing as I am writing, with the tears, with contradicting feelings and I found way to be happy when I feel this way.

What is happening, that with acceptance of the way things are, the world is and I am, this pain turns to some sophisticated kind of deep spiritual pleasure, it's almost like making love with the experience. No resistance at all, then it just flushes sweetened by grace and purified by light.

Unlike before, instead of allowing the sadness fully consume me, I am also celebrating that I am so blessed to even feel so close. This is the moment of peace, a sense of absolute perfect completeness, feels like totally empty and full at the same time, and the feeling that it's finally over, it's all over, and I can rest in peace now.

Just a little taster reminds me of who I am and where I am going, and gives strength to keep penetrating through all those walls of separation again, and again, and again.

Sometimes this can be unbearable, to see how far I am, and sometimes I know it's always there, inside me, and I can rest any time leaning on this transparent thinnest glass and looking through it at the only thing that is real, that makes it possible for me to stay alive, to know that in truth, one day, I will cease to exist. It's a paradox.

I guess the only thing that helps me is really not judging, rejecting or resisting any of what I experience and observe.

So for me, in cases when I feel like my soul is 'offended' by some piece of reality, I just feel everything and then work on 'arrogance'. I call arrogance anything in me that is judging or having an opinion about reality. And it looks like I sample and try anything that looks wrong, so that I can understand why and how it can happen, how it feels.

I lost a lot of my 'spiritual pride', many rejections fall away. Rejection of myself and reality as it is. It brings me peace, and it brings me closer to myself, people and home. I don't exclude anything. I just do what is right, no matter what I feel or think about it. I guess it's just that there is nothing you wouldn't do to make another tiny step towards your own disappearance, once you've touched it, and this is the one thing in life I don't want to have boundary or condition with.

Whatever the universe wants, I want it too, and vice versa. This is where I want to live from, this is how I feel it should be. I believe that in this kind of surrender and commitment there is nothing I can't endure really, even if feeling like it's too much.

So I guess one of the great things about all this is that we're just on our way home :)

PS: BTW, it's funny, because I feel so belong on this page, talking about this thing I experience all my life, and my picture is here, Trin catching me in one of those moments...

:D