I'm running in parallel with you. I was booked to be there but that is not how it's turned out. Life circumstances - a dog with a broken leg - shock, recrimination, , all our food for Christmas stolen, broken, fridge, ill health, Attack, blame. And wading through my internal responses - distorted feminine - absorb it all, pay for it all, however unreasonable or face down the distorted attacking masculine and feel what's arising. Things shifted when I noticed the energetic hooks - created by my responding to minimise other's discomfort hoping to avoid their lasting fury. Minute by minute feeling what is aligned - action or non action non action. All that and waves of grief about an identity being challenged.
The identity of 'the lap' - the mother the holder of the protected space. The loss is triggered by the feelings that poke through round my grown up children 'they are never coming back' - (which clearly isn't true - they are totally all over the place with all their bags n make up right now and Furthermore, they are seeing me and supporting me. )
So... It's something about the identity of mummy - being the lap. The feeling of place, connection and strength and solidity that 'being the lap' connects to. So that's the way-post right now. Very early stuff. Also yesterday they went out - both in the car. Then there was a compulsive waking fantasy exploring the pain of the 'what if' they were both killed in an accident. N I felt half dead myself, disengagement with this life, no longer fully here, half blown out of this reality - that's the karma - that's what I live - the resonating grief, the ancient stuck bit - been with me since I was born with a frown on my face from my mother coping alone.
of course They are separate souls, the product of life's longing for itself, soul family but ancient n Independant. My teachers n mirror - showing me where I got stuck n scared in the most extraordinary experiential lesson.
Some of this are realisations, some mind as the feelings wash through. ATM can't connect to the otherside - yep fear there. Onward. No wonder tired!
So in your piece Open I hear to connect to the energy to 'feel my higher self' and no self which feels like what all the responding to others runs in terror of. Flimsy cos no identity. I long for the support of the guides and the state of magic of th Challice Well but I get that this is something about another layer of it being reality where ever..