I’m outside of this circle watching the interactions and feeling an unease growing in my chest. I feel repelled by this forum, but there is also a strong pull to explore this unease. This is not personal as I like all of you here individually, but the idea of a female circle on the Openhand site feels murky and unsafe. I wonder if there is something on a very primeval level that I’m rejecting about being a female as I feel this unease towards Gaia. All this is puzzling me … as I love sharing deep intimacy with a man, I’m very aware and connected to my body and let it express; All 3 births of my children were primal experiences followed by months of affection and nursing; I feel compassion and tenderness towards all life, sometimes I feel I am all life... And yet, there is something basic that I seem to be rejecting… or perhaps my belief of what is the feminine is distorted? :-(

This unease started with my mother (in this life at least) and spilled on to Gaia. As a child I saw my mother as a synonym for violence, domination, chaos, pain (physical and emotional) and rejection. I witnessed the masculine (my father) as submissive and always devoted to the one and only female in his life. He’s never held me or had me on his lap. If he showed me small signs of affection, my mother would “punish” him, and I felt he eventually began despise and reject me. All this intensified in my teens when I was physically becoming a woman. I have never been sexually molested nor had any negative or excessive experiences in the intimate relationships. So, what is it about the feminine that’s been scaring me all these years? Or perhaps it is about the masculine? I really can’t see… :-(

I realize some may be surprised with my honesty here, but I feel like expressing fully and I’m not embarrassed by any of this at all. Maybe I’m hoping that someone here can read this and, if they feel like it, provide a feedback that could help me see an aspect I’m not seeing now. I forgave my parents and mainly feel compassion towards them. I actually stopped calling them “mom” and “dad” when I was about seven. It was probably easier to cope with the rejection this way plus they never felt like my parents anyways. To me it is mainly about healing my relationship with Gaia, who I love and respect, but still with so much fear. I'm just beginning to see myself as an "earthling". I spent so many nights looking up at the sky, begging and crying to be taken away from here, taken home, away from Gaia. It feels so heavy to live here and I wanted to give up few times. I seem to expand in an interesting way since the last Glastonbury visit and I found my home inside of me. Now, I would really like to make peace with Gaia and process the anger and fear I have for her.

I’m about to post this now and feel a heavy unease creeping up. If I post here, this will put me in the women’s circle. Oh my GOD, I can already feel the fear of rejection, pain and violence coming at me. I can feel the punishment for stepping up, for being the feminine! The base of my skull is killing me, like there is a deep wound there... (I'm feeling the horror of that first sword hit that didn't manage to kill me!! Now, nausea is coming up). I'm going to sit with all the feelings that just rolled up.

It’s time to heal this. I’m posting in 3… 2… 1…

Namaste,

M.