Attachment, Romance, and Energy Exchange: How to Release Bonds with Possessive Partners we are no longer physically with

How do we release energetic bonds with others who we are no longer physically with? How does one exert sovereignty to overcome an energetically possessive partner? How do we limit the obtainment of the other's feelings, memories, and sensations which they transmit, so that they are forced to confront their reality, rather than us processing life for them?

We act with love and acceptance, as the stable beacon for others, while still capable of feeling the ominous energetic weight of an inconsistent other, as they slowly transform with much splendour, while continuing to hold us back. But what if it is too much, and we have to cut the tie, despite their energetic persistence to maintain it?

We can focus our thoughts and allow energy to pass through us, but energy is still being sent which affects us and our reality. We can migrate to others of higher vibration and return to our vibration, but eventually in the midst of the night, we can be recalibrated to theirs.

I have had prior loving, well-balanced, secure, relationships which encompass trust; whereas my three-and-half year former romantic partner impacts one's sovereignty, as any potential romantic partner is onset with deafening negative energy; while any interest which does not align with hers, including any thought that does not include a future with her, leads to suppression. So I think about boundaries, attachment, bonds, healing, letting go, vampirism, will power, and sovereignty, and how one is able to exert primary influence over their own reality.

Have others had similar experiences? How did or do you manage?


This topic has been vaguely touched upon in other Openhand forum threads: Combating psychic attack and Relationship connections.

As a personal background, I had a brief relationship with a woman with a history of deep trauma who is still unconsciously fighting to be in my body these three-and-half years later despite physically moving on and severing all physical communication. Her spirit still seeks me in bed, whereupon the merge, pulls energy from me (or other times she feels she needs it). I still feel the arise of her nervous system when she awakes or notices that I am not in my bed; I have obtained her memories, smells, tastes, nerves, and sexual actions; her reality effects my blood pressure and my sleep; while my intuition has been shifted to include her interests. But in all, it is a seismic burden for me, which after reading countless books, and speaking with people across all modalities, I still have been unable to address. All of this, of course in this case, started well /after/ we separated, once she physically moved on and I emotionally separated, as she pounded me with energy which I physically could not pass enough through and thereby was forced to let in.


Hi Skytom - a powerful and important subject - thanks for introducing it. Greetings, you are most welcome here :-)

You raise so much in just a short intro. Let me see if I can engage some of the main threads in various responses below.

    "How do we release energetic bonds with others who we are no longer physically with?"

You could broaden the question into "how do you release fragments of yourself lost in past realities?" What we're really talking about is how the soul comes into this density, and for various reasons (like compelling relationships), gets lost and then essentially fragments into these situations. Crucially, the energy of these situations is now contained inside, like compacting layers at the bed of a flowing stream.

So the key is always inside of yourself.

In the Openhand work, we use chakra breathing meditations to open into these layers, bringing full awareness to the unconscious 'blind' areas where the soul has been fragmented. Then it's important to regress into these blind spots, these situations, and fully activate them in your awareness - seeing the imagery of the person involved, feeling the feelings - the pain and trauma - everything most people don't want to do! However it's the only way truly out of the situation.

What I'm talking about is what the shamans call "soul retrieval". It's a fundamental aspect of the Openhand course work. You can read about the 9step process we employ here...

Openhand 9step spiritual healing process for dealing with subconscious trauma

So here's another of your questions Skytom...

    "How does one exert sovereignty to overcome an energetically possessive partner?"

I've experienced the 'raptor consciousness' in women (when distorting the divine feminine ray 2) is every bit as powerful as that in men (when distorting the warrior ray 1). It often acts on the emotional plane, and literally sends out energetic tentacles that then wrap you in.

Crucially though, it can only work where there is some emotional attachment in yourself (everything is only ever in you!).

Is it perhaps because of sense of compassion? Wanting to support and take care of? These things can subtly lead into taking ownership of your partner's journey in some way. This often happens in the sense of protectiveness of the warrior for the divine feminine.

You have to be courageous enough to allow your partner (or ex) to walk their own path, even if they might struggle along the way. You have to work to let go. Hold the space, be empathically supportive, yes, but it is their journey, not yours!

Crucially then, work to recognise your own weakness - potentially needing to carry the burden for the other. Or often, sense of guilt, if you walk away.

In which case, if you still feel the attachment (from them - which is YOUR attachment), then I would suggest regressing back into the situation. Perhaps see yourself with them sitting at a crossroads in the path. Wish them well, but then cut the ties. Let them walk their own path, knowing that every soul is seeking full sovereignty.

Open <3

This below is a very powerful sharing, and I suspect many out there have experienced similar...

    "Her spirit still seeks me in bed, whereupon the merge, pulls energy from me (or other times she feels she needs it). I still feel the arise of her nervous system when she awakes or notices that I am not in my bed; I have obtained her memories, smells, tastes, nerves, and sexual actions; her reality effects my blood pressure and my sleep; while my intuition has been shifted to include her interests."

You have to realise this is all about you, not her.

You are a sovereign, unique and individual soul.

However, clearly you are deeply empathic - which is unusual at this strength in a guy - a powerful healing gift indeed.

My sense is there might still be some unresolved 'business' between you. There's possibly something at a soul level that is still looking for completion (in you).

So where's the neediness in you? Where's the resistance in you? And crucially, where do you go unconscious? Having another soul come into your field is not the problem, the problem is them getting stuck there because of your own blindspot.

On this last point, I'd say there's something powerful for you to learn. My sense is that's about how to become a deep healing catalyst.

On the Openhand courses and gatherings, I feel souls coming into my field all the time, 24/7. In fact that's very much a part of the approach. You then get to feel people's blockages and challenges, inside yourself. In feeling them, you may then bring activational consciousness to the blockages - which starts to make them unravel (in the other people).

It's a very advanced healing modality.

So before throwing the baby out with the bathwater, this might be worth exploring. However don't expect you'd master it in a moment - it could take some considerable time.


Open *OK*

Open, I must say I very much appreciate your informed, articulate, and giving responses. I have been reflecting on your statements for the past several weeks, but I am sort of at a loss for the whole situation.

It is dually confusing for my former girlfriend's history of childhood trauma, and how according to many of the trauma therapists which I spoke to, that those individuals are largely split between their physical pursuits and what they energetically seek. The traumas are so great that they choose a more superficial existence.

I feel that I am quite good at breath, but perhaps there is a principal which I am not understanding. I can drop into a parasympathetic state, allow for great range in breath dependent upon what I am orientating towards, but I have yet to figure out the /release/ portion. Then again, the body workers and energy healers have not had any success either.

I also think of one's ego, and where do we draw the line? For in the truest since we should be accepting to all, that no sin is too great? But there is a physical reality to this, or at least perhaps I think there should be. It is one thing to forgive; but another to be enmeshed with another, energetically experience their trials, and in a place where the energy is so great where one is driven to align with them. I suppose that may be the karma of which you speak.

Thanks for your assistance!


In reply to by Open

I am nine months since posting, and 4 years 2 months since the breakup, and this situation largely rests the same for me.

The only thing that seems to lessen the anxiety within my body is if I allow my former girlfriend to energetically associate with me, and if I state that I will move out to where she is to be with her (for I have experimented with the full range of thoughts).  She has physically moved on and in with another, but energetically we possess a strong bond which greatly impacts me, and feels like the both of us.

She holds a sizeable amount of fear, and distorts a loving intention into something which is fear-based, as well as that of her moderately-affluent, superficially put-together, but intimate-adverse and avoidant community.  Conversely, actions which are fear-based, she almost seems to rationalize within other intimate relationships.  The unconscious and conscious are so split, that I do not know how to properly tend to, for all methods of physical or verbal communication have been blocked, and she returned to where she was living (she moved out to be together, then she left, then five months after the breakup, I moved out to where she was for many months in the midst of her dating others, where we did not talk and only by chance encountered each other once, then I left, only to witness the psychic energy intensify).  I only state this, because this conflict appears to be the growing pattern in America, where individuals are progressively split, and it would be beneficial to better know how to work with them, for times in which we are socially constructed to (such as in work or community settings).

I have visited with countless healers and shamans, am involved in qigong practices to release the blockages, with reiki to additionally fill in the energy loss, among other modalities and exercise, and Taoist meditation practices, but Open's words above are what I keep on coming back to.  Perhaps Open, we could discuss this situation in greater detail, should you still offer spiritual facilitation?

And, what is the difference between love and attachment?

Is attachment mutual?  It feels so for me, given the energetic distortion which impacts my thoughts and reality.  How do we leverage attachment for the best possible growth of all individuals involved?  (Which I believe is the original evolutionary reason for attachment.)  For I have been unable to release the attachment.

That said, I am unable to hold my energetic vibration to where it was prior the enmeshment, but for the time in which I do, my former girlfriend exerts no influence; and my thoughts, actions, and being return to normal.  Other than obtaining for a few minutes, I have recently obtained this state for about one day a few weeks ago.  According to some healers, there is a great negative energetic force attached to her family, which I have also have sensed.  Despite my former girlfriend being a slight energetic drain, this negative force, which is riding off of her, has been able to pull an immense quantity of my energy from my body within a second.  I am able to distinguish between her being, and this entity's being.

(I write all of this to make it public, for I believe as a society we need to be more open with regard to how energy affects our lives.)

Hi Tom,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey so honestly. It stirred something within me. What I’m going to write is just my perspective and what I’m seeing through my unique personal lens. It might resonate with you or not. I just feel like putting it out there, perhaps to get more clarity on the subject myself, or perhaps there is someone else that needs to read it. All I know is that it has to come out unfiltered. Ok. Here we go:


When I’m reading your words, I’m feeling a hypnotic energy that weaves through your story. It feels like a haze that is a bit intoxicating and numbing. Kind of like OC interference or something in the realm of addiction. You have disconnected from this lady physically and severed the contact, but energetically you are still enmeshed, still pulled into her world. There is a sense of bondage and entrapment there. You are not finding the solution in books and conversations with others. I feel you carry lots of wisdom, but perhaps you are not quite trusting it yet. What if the healers and shamans were unsuccessful in taking away this condition because YOU wouldn’t let them? Perhaps because it is YOUR story of coming into empowerment? I bet if you choose to explore in that direction, the impact of it on your life is going to be incredible!


We all have our lessons to learn. What else do you need to learn from the enmeshment with that person? Did you need this to teach you about your boundaries? What she can teach you is what you are looking for. If you chose not to have her in your life energetically how else would you go forward to create that closeness with another back in your world? How else can you help others without losing yourself? There are other ways than being abused. When you talk about your situation, most of your preoccupation seems to be with her. Right now your core center seems to be in her world, which makes you very vulnerable. What if you brought your core center back? How would that feel? What is it that keeps pulling you back?


Sometimes the resolution capacity is right there, but we somehow keep dwelling in the past. Sometimes it is more about the fear to go forward than anything else. How do you feel in your body when you imagine not having that enmeshment in your life? Do you feel changes in your autonomic nervous system? What do you wish to control? What is controlling you?


You express so compassionately and emphatically. If you shine that compassion towards yourself and see your attachment and what it really is about (for you) it will help you move through this lesson. This might allow you to follow your own sense of rightness and express with awareness. And that is how you can support her growth in the most beautiful and powerful way... by being in your own self-empowered energy. She'll feel it. That is what true love is in my humble opinion <3


Wishing you well!





Hi, --

Open, Thank you for checking in.  I trust that perhaps you read this a couple weeks back, and perhaps tried something?

And thank you Margaret for also weighing in.

"All much improved.  I am trusting intuition again, keeping a positive spirit, and radiating warmth were I see fit.  I see that I love this woman and she loves me, and I am going to move out to California in trust that love will reappear in my life, for that is what intuition advises so."

Or battling that incoming energy, with immense tension to prefrontal cortex, third eye, and tension in the body, and what I want to logically say: "All relatively similar here."  And then I am entirely energetically blocked from writing any more.

If I am obedient to energy, it leads to her; if I oppose then immense tension in my body.  But I do not believe that it is my energy.  The energy around her and that family is very strong, -- to the point that I have seen it make seemingly strong people complacent puppets; or my friends reiterate statements in similar tone, word choice, and sentence structure to my former girlfriend with statements of fact that were outside of their direct knowledge; or impact nature enough during clearings to transform calm sunny days immediately into a localized front of stormy gusty and dark until the clearing is stopped, which then immediately sees the sky clear.

I will write more once energy lifts.




Per Margaret's question, I feel great if I am away from this energy, for the sparse time that I can orientate to another, or call in enough energy to momentarily have her energy cleared from my orbit.  There is a lot which is chaotic and distorting with regard to the energy which surrounds her, incurring thought forms that I failed to previously have, or have when she is cleared.  The karma of murder, incest, rape, and blunder runs deep in her family line; which she herself and her sister were also victims.  Then there is perhaps the karma between our families: according to a few different people, who stories align in either locations or situations; her ancestors killed some of my ancestors, and one of her ancestors was romantically involved with one of my ancestors.

I have recently taken to resolving some of the entities that I sense which are around, -- which appears to be that of the spirits of which the family murdered.  And then pulling out that distorting thought form energy from self and from her (like how an energy worker pulls with physical hands), which thus far, in the past few days, has seemed to do the trick.  I do not know where I am sending that energy, or what karma I am incurring, for I am certainly do not seem to be transmuting those energies.

If I orientate to self or other, then body closes tighter (any gains through practices, bodywork, or other is lost), while if allow her energetically in, then body tension calms; if I state that I will move out to California, then my body opens, but that allows more of her traumas and emotions in of not just her, but I believe her and her entire family.  It also allows a distorting energy which I would otherwise call "love", which seems to align our intuition and psychic future.

Some have said the strength of this is related not to her, but to the possessing power which is accompanying her family, as much as she is fuel for that entity, so am I through this attachment.

That said, positive incoming energy from others helps to also repel my former girlfriend's incoming energies (if people like what I say in front of a conference, or on the television).  My body is much too stuck now, to generate enough in order to buffer, and any that I create, seems to be psychically transmitted to her and her family for healing (she does feel emotionally more stable, and less an energetic drain, with a higher energetic vibration).  Regardless, whatever positive loving energy I end up obtaining, I also lose.

As for Open's earlier comments with regard to soul fragments, -- I have met with several somatic therapists, trauma therapists, and other bodily treatment modalities; engaged in breathwork, various bodywork, and energy healings.  Whatever glue is here is quite deep, according to the awareness of everyone that I have interfaced with.  But I am doing the best that I can.

I suppose that I see attachment always as mutual.  For if one person or a concert of people is hanging on strong, then the other needs equal the strength in order to degrade and release the bond.  This enmeshment is new for me, and I could write at length at what occurred which perhaps lead to it; which mind you was over one year after the breakup of a three-month relationship (an intense amount of incoming energy which I could not off-load).

I presume what Open means by holding space, is by radiating light, allowing the energies and thought forms to pass through one.  I feel that I have done this as best that I can.  As for the letting go, I do not know what the hold up is from my side, for I feel that it is more incoming from hers, and I lack the strength to permanently sever.  (For the record, she also was the one to terminate the relationship, mostly out of fear of intimacy, and terminated all physical contact.)

I also feel souls entering my field, but no one else has ever stuck, or certainly ever energetically follows me in bed.  That said, no one else also carries the trauma load which she has carried, for I historically have always have avoided such individuals.  This was the one time in which I allowed some one in, that I knew that I should not have, for I was naively thinking as I grew older that all have issues and all are eager to personally confront to resolve.

I agree that every soul is seeking full sovereignty, but I suppose now I see it that energetic sovereignty is not guaranteed.  It feels like to me, that my former girlfriend is seeking me so strongly in order to help.  Despite our brief relationship, it was clear to me that it was the most intimate she had been with a person before, and among a highly-privileged but avoidant, shallow, and blame-ridden social structure of family and friends; perhaps the soul sees energetically latching on as a way out.

With regard to where I go unconscious, that is where perhaps I have a hang-up that I am only recently growing to understand.  Maybe it is less about me, and more regard the great range of thoughts and emotions which cycle within individuals throughout a day, as well as the wide separation between their conscious thoughts and actions, and their unconscious intentions and dreams.  Still a lot more to learn in regard to here, and I feel that I require greater experience in order to see.

All and all thank you both, and everyone for contributing to a more loving universe.



Thank you for the openness in your sharing. Last night, after tuning into what you were saying in your posts and writing mine I experienced a more tangible manifestation of that energy. It felt like a collective of individual human energies sharing a common thread. There was something "inhumane" about those individuals... like centuries of dehumanizing practices, maybe abuse rituals. My heart goes out to you, Tom. This is an interesting experience your soul chose to have in this lifetime.

As compelling and complex as it may sometimes appear, the story is just a story. Yours feels to me like a labyrinth filled with strange objects. Almost as if someone designed it for a soul to wonder around, get lost in its strangeness and disorienting qualities. If you focused, simplified and try catching an essence of the story, I wonder what would it be about for you? I'm guessing this energy wants you disoriented and spread in many directions. 

There is an Openhand event in Chicago in April, I think. A good opportunity for an intense exploration, if it feels right for you. 

With love,



Hi Skytom,

It's a complex situation indeed, clearly with lots of karmic history. As challenging as these are, the inquiry ultimately leads to soul infusion and greater sovereignty, whilst at the same time, enabling you to be sensitive and empathic to other people's challenges - it's where the boundaries get blurred that soul fragmentation happens. It's important to work to see this not as a negative thing however, rather the potential for the forging of the soul.

Clearly you have ancient connections to ex and her family. In which case, simply trying to pull away may well be counterproductive - because energy remains in the connections. The important thing would be to honour the pull of the mainstream of your soul - what is the 'right' thing to do now in terms of alignment?

In following the mainstream of the soul, you'll start to pull on 'karmic tethering' that binds into the connections. The trauma will come to the surface progressively and invite you to work through it. So it's important not to strategise - "I should do this or that". Rather to go with the flow and work with what comes up.

It sounds to me as if some face-to-face healing with your ex may be necessary, assuming she is open to it. That may well speed things along. If she's not open to it, you can still reclaim those lost fragments by working at the higher soul level. It's just deeper and more involved. Working with a facilitator in this case may well help things along.

Keep inquiring, keep digging, keep unravelling. Work to see it less as an inconvenience and more as the potential for evolutionary growth.

Best wishes

Open Heart