5GATEWAYS remastered 2022: Life's Game-Changer

Thanks for sharing the journey with us!!

As I elaborated in my last post I feel at the root of my deepest wound is Idealism.  In it's most pure form, perhaps there is the holding of an energy of harmony, equity, non-judgement and acceptance - a felt sense of possibility without an attachment to what happens.  However life seems to not meet the ideal that I sense…whether that is on a soul level or conditioning, which concretizes it to specific outcomes. When life, myself or others have not lived up to this idealistic reality (tainted with conditioned expectations and judgements), then there is indignation, control, sense of self-righteousness, inflexiblity. 

I see the ray 6 which in different moments would also express with ray 1 to harness the commitment and drive of purpose (to keep going when it feels like it is useless), the ray 2 (to soften, surrender and release the need to force, to open and feel into what is happening now), the ray 4 (to navigate each specific interaction with the greatest degree of harmony and respect for the other's reality), the ray 7 (to guide with synchronistic magic)

In the circumstances lately, I think it has been the distortions of ray 1 and 2 that have impacted the ability to be effective with ray 6 (4, 3 and 7 hahah all of it really!) ...

I notice often that this energy is noticed… “it lights up the room” in some way… I hear it from people … it’s never about intelligence or achievement… it’s what people call disposition and regardless of any identity need to do or be something more… this seems to be enough and what is responded to in a way that  feels alive, real and meaningful. 

Lots of powerlessness here (ray 1), having not taken responsibility for my own life and expecting everything to just turn out (ray 2). Now i have no control or sovereignty in my life as a consequence and have greatly diminished my chances of improving the situation. Now i need the warriors strength to not only get through but to somehow find creative solutions to align myself to an autonomous, more independent life where i can have dignity and freedom. The lessons are invaluable as this experience has forced me to grow up and take ownership of myself and my life. Aligned ray 1 especially, and 2 would help me greatly, i think. Maybe some ray 5?...

Honor and Integrity seem to be my deepest wound(s) and for which I seem to be holding on to deep levels of self judgement and guilt. I continue to sit with the energies, even as painful as they are, and keep being directed, or so it seems, to paths of self sacrifice and martyrdom to resolve these wounds. I do not accept these paths so it seems that the pain will never go away.  I want to stand for truth and Integrity, (honor seems to be more of an intellectual/ego ideal), but I keep running into road blocks and no inquiry seems to be deep enough and the pain is way too great to sit in for long.  I've tried over and over.  

Hi Open,

thanks for this invitation and I would be very grateful to get some reflection about this one. I've worked a lot with sense of betrayal, guilt, not finding the space for myself in this life/society, especially  in last  years of my awakening quest... What came to me strongly in these days is the word avoidance and I was guided to review part of my writing from three years ago.

"My way of expressing all that I feel has been obiously hidden in order to protect what is sacred. However I feel that it's safe now to clear the dust in my spiritual closet and open it for the sake of sharing all that is inside. When I was able to restore the threads to my own portal and awaken to all that is there I was shaken by the magnificence and light that is ingrained in my own being. I feel so much joy to pursue the truth of my own being and surrender to my own divine guidance. Times that we live in are safe enough to make the next step in awakening the collective consciousness and I fell honoured to dedicate myself to serve my innermost passion of sharing the luminous essence of beings that we all are." 

Well, I still don't feel safe in expressing my own truth. Most of the times, I look for a ways to somewhat soften or plaster additional layers of misconception around it. When it comes to most of "human interactions" a part of me is looking to escape and not having to deal with the confusion/surprise that arises in another, if I am to honestly share my perspective. It feels that the diplomat (ray4) is nicely engrained in my personality, so I don't have problems in connecting with others. Yet, compromising the biggest part of myself that yearns for depth, feeling sense of connection and authenticity is blocked in big ways... This is what usually stops most desires for further connection. It helps me to express the yearning of my being through writing, because it tends to create more space/time that the perspective might get processed.

Nevertheless this sense of "perfection" is so alive with me, that my way of living, tools of meditation and daily processing assist me in touching the sacred ground of being very often. It's a good way to keep myself sane and be on the safe track with my motivations. Yet in my daily endeavours it might many times build to impatience that builds to frustration. I often come to this conclusion that others simple don't get me, and who am I even to be telling them what's the right thing to do? No one has truly asked for guidance, and another messaih might once again lead the world on the wrong track of looking for the "outer savior"...

I've somehow accepted that there is a capacity within me to always find broader awareness about any given situation and connect the dots towards the whole. It feels like assisting in the process of creation through minimizing the need/feeling of growing pain. So what am I avoiding in life and within myself?

The acceptance that "other souls" prefer to discover their true essence through opting for painful deaths and suffering?

The realization, that the decision of my "higher-dimensonal Self" to loose myself on this plane of existence has been made with arrogance - not knowing what am I really getting into?

The fear of facing the possible wrong-doing of my own (past)decision, discovring my own fall from Grace?

The obvious nature, that I am currently living "human life" with all the limitations and possibilities that it entails, yet I am striving to continously "upgrade" the experience?

Or maybe just the fact, that I am lost in my own shadow of progresively building trust towards the Universe/Life through my own "inner guidance", and tend to impose it to the world around me?

In my own "transcendental vision of things" I tend to get lost in order to escape the inevitable. The complexity of being a human, separation from my "Soul family", wish for reconnection and the fact that I can not (yet) fly with my current physical vessel.  I miss flying...

This sense of flying is probably not my deepest wound, nevertheless it felt worth mentioning here as well. It might soften my feeling that I might be to weird/persecuted for sharing other things as well. Thanks for creating this space and the endeavours to read through my own creative expression. 

Some form of poverty consciousness seems to be at the root of all the challenging feelings that I experience: 

- I am a failure in the eyes of the world...not meeting the standard achievements and references

- I am a failure in the eyes of God/Spirit/the One that all is...and so I am disconnected

 - I am a failure in the eyes of my expectations...being unable to prevent my children from being caught up in the buffet of distractions and addictions - I was under some illusion that it was my job to keep them in a bubble and protect the purity of their essential nature...that seems to have been an impossible and I suppose misaligned mission =)...as it is part of our journey (one I often resent) 

- Life fails to support me/Have to do it by myself

I do feel that I have moved through a lot of this in relation to the people in my life (the kids especially) - though the question of what I am responsible for is one I feel I am constantly feeling into... There is the sense of failing others/failing myself...a huge weight of responsibility is there. 

A short story: I've been sharing time with those in the community that are in need of additional resources, hungry - some also living on the streets...serving them lunch in a community setting that is intended to provide nurturance with dignity.  I can say I don't know if I have ever felt more relaxed and in joy around a group of people. There is so much less pretense, the striving to meet the external bar has perhaps been set down/broken down...there is openness and softness, a slower pace...eye contact, gratitude, community.  When I am there I realize how fast I am moving and downshift many gears!  People are singing and dancing to music, trading with others at the table - their salads for an extra dessert. There is no rush...no where to get to.  This is the kind of relating that feels real, feels meaningful. To feel so at home among those that society would say have "failed" or that some might say society has failed...I could see the freedom in being considered a failure...by some external and ridiculous measure of worth.  

The word hungry spikes for me when I read this back...and a constant hunger/dissatisfaction/discontent is something I have come to know as part of this human experience - thankfully it doesn't define in the way it use to. 

I am right there with you Jen -- failure -- and how it is coming up for me is with FRAUD layered in deception and being an imposter. 

Next Tuesday is my trial date, the divorce will be finalized. Once again in a lifetime I am asked to stand up and defend myself.

AM I truly who I say that I am.    DIG DEEP  How can I be? 
Am I really the caring mother I am portraying myself as?  TRIGGER  Don't label me and make me be a mother. 
Am I really prepared to be fully responsible for my part of this deal?  RESPONSIBILITY  Ouch--shadow and inner youngling rebounding inside. You have been here before, Gwyn. Divorce, co-parenting. Nothing is fair in 3D. It is always a battle for what you perceive to want.
Grace and grit. What the heck is SOUL asking for? 

Brutal honesty--I want dad to pay me and get out of the way with parenting. I want freedom to be myself at all times. Instead I have to co-parent with someone I deceived myself into a contract for 10+ yrs. I did that. Soul perfectly placed me there. Unravel, unwind, unattached...I placed myself in a relationship for breaking up the karma, life lessons, and potential release of whatever the $@^*#+% I did lifetimes ago.  
I am here--not a victim. I am here, very much a sentient being that has an over abundance of patience and trust. I am here to learn, as Open says, "to push up against the density."  I have the upper hand--I do the pushing up against--density does not push me! 

Truth--when anything is presented to me as an adventure or fun or an exploration, I will dive into this with such joy.  When presented with the 3D messy and ugliness of immature relationships, deceit and fraud, there is NO joy.  There is only a big dark hole of doing it alone. Ego and Shadow show up happy to steer things for me. I feel that in the moment vigilance regarding the shadow is so important and so easily set to the side. I am a fraud. I don't want to confront failure. So the shadow poser shows up -- spiritual guidance, the inquistitor -- talk yourself out of this, lie and stay in the passive space of safety, girl. 

YET--when I really sit with this, I feel it is important to take stock of what has been showing up for me. Yes, I am on trial. How am i going to BE when asked questions? How am i going to be heard and seen? Think of the energy, the torus. What's the worst that can happen? Remember how others see me. They see the gratitude and the compassion and the joy that shines through. It is not a hoax. It is not a pretense.
Beloved whispers: Gwynnie, you truly do radiate. So much beauty is there. AND get your little tush in gear! Dig deeper!  Find those nuggets of inspirational UMPH! You have it within you. That's why you are still standing--and standing in your power.  It may be a bit turned down at the moment--get out of your head and into your heart and then into those hands of yours. Turn on the music. Sweep the floor. Draw and sing and breathe deeply. Bend and stretch and bow down to nature. You know this dance and the steps very well. 

Hi Open, thanks for holding space for this, even while you're busy at Dartmoor. For me, besides the usual childhood betrayal, dismissal, neglect, etc., it would be this intolerance of other people's behaviours which of course usually come from my own. It's like i have this overbearing sense of superiority and i try to control other people. It's like i'm two people and one of them thinks she's the queen of the world. And then when people find out what triggers me by my getting frustrated with them, they use it against me to get their power back, understandbly. i read in a psychology article that people who only get attention from parents when they're being punished but otherwise get marginalised and ignored often end up with this dual narcissist/people pleasing personality. i wish to break free of this. Prescence and awareness are helping, but i'm still working on anchoring to my SGOB so i can become non-reactive, but i'm finding it challenging as i'm so used to disassociating and letting my attention wander off into some fantasy or plans for the future. Staying present is taking work. But staying calm and letting people be and being nonjudgemental and fully authentic are some of my biggest struggles. Also attention-seeking, needing validation, limerence is a big one, and just all-around ego attachment. i appreciate your thoughts, thank you💙

Incredible. i think i may have caught some of that Diad energy. As i was riding on the bus to work no more than an hour ago, i was able to explore and express a core wound unlike ever before. Well, express as much as i could given i was surrounded by people lol. But while i'd finally had the courage to "go there", i'd only ever just skirted around the edges of it. Today i was able to go deeper and really feel it. And because of this i was able to see just how much this wound has been affecting me. It's been a huge source of my anger which was hiding my self-loathing and guilt, and i've been projecting all this vitriole instead of dealing with it. And of course projection is a boomerang. All the hurtful things that have happened to me were from me hurting myself because of intense unexpressed guilt and self hatred. To be able to finally really start feeling and understanding this is like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. My gratitude is inexpressible. i hope you can feel it and my love. 💚💙💜🙏

I don’t want to go to battle. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. This morning I woke up to a barrage of feelings —waves of lifetimes where I had donned the armor of God or blind stupidity or arrogant conviction and stepped onto the battlefield, emerging from the destruction with death all around me or lying there in a state of dying myself. One more lifetime of blood and sacrifice of life.

It has never been my soul expression. Even in the most powerful and successful experiences of winning in this lifetime, duking it out has had no appeal to me in the end. Presently. I do not appreciate the warrior within or without. I feel that my drive to fight has died.

These days there is no sacred warrior energy. All of it seems twisted and tangled in the weakening and dismantling of humanity and the purity of our sovereign power.  The exterior warring reflects my battleground within.

In my soul existence, there is no desire to battle unless the competition or fight is based in joy and connection--the sheer childlike curiosity to see the fun in taking on a challenge. I'll smear you at Uno. Don't think you can beat me at one-on-one basketball! Drag race in my minivan any day. File for divorce before you-nana boo boo. 

Presently, I am not feeling the connection of the 3D battlefield. I am not wanting to integrate soul in the 3D. As I CONNECT the dots my deepest longing is the connection of the dots aligning.
#%@&*#*% the dots!

So I watch your video 

Integrating soul
Letting go of the NEED and the FEAR of the outcome.
Create from the 5D
Life is creating from…
Not the mind intuiting — the movement of consciousness wants to express.

I don’t want to fight, Open.  And yet, “giving up” seems too easy or that I am “abandoning” my children, ultimately myself. I don’t want to fight for anything!  And yet it feels so defeating and wrong. I SEE those spiked words within that one sentence. I have felt into it. It is a bloody massacre. It’s a mad dash away from the battlefield. It is a series of lying to stay safe and away from the warring—like the many men that took off for Canada during Vietnam to avoid the draft. Such shame and guilt. No pride in standing for one’s sovereign choice of life over death.
Over and over again, there is no possibility to FIGHT for what is right because there is NO RIGHT!

Am I failing by saying no to standing my ground in a place where conflict feels too much and not right??
Who says you are failing, Gwyn?  I am.
Who says you have to fight?  I do.
Who is running this show of warring both within and without?  I am pretty sure there is something outside of me creating the netting and manipulating the energy!!

That is whose ass I want to kick.  I don’t want to kick my ex’s ass or beat the corrupt court system. I don’t want to be a part of anyone or anything that is not aligned in the purity of soul expression.

Am I judging the corruption? Am I judging 3D? Am I judging and resisting the existing in 3D?

Hell yes!!

I sit with it.  I am quiet. I am placing my attention in the uncomfortable feelings. I am observing daily the reflections, yet, I must be missing something. If I am still doing this daily grind of integrating soul as I breathe so deeply through the challenges and tensions and conflicts within—it feels unsuccessful, slow moving, definitely not aligning and smooth.

CAN’T I have smooth and effortlessness when transitioning?!

DEEP anger of how fucking full of effort this whole planet and human existence feels day in and day out. I feel like a kid having a tantrum who can’t get to the other side where the higher self is running the show. And then I hear “Gwyn, is there really anywhere to get to?!”  Fuck off voice of reason or deception or paradox. I hate this stuff.  I hate the battle. I hate those that thrive in the battle. I hate the aftermath. I hate the cycle of it all.

I took a detour while driving this morning—instead of going to a safe place to sit before work, I plant myself in the public at a cafe. Masks all around me although the mask mandate has been lifted. My children were dropped off at school and continue to wear their masks because half the teachers, the fucking adult mentors, are “doing the right thing” in this godforsaken county.  The cashier gives me the stink eye as I walk maskless into the establishment. I am on the battlefield all the fucking time.  My soul drove my car to this cafe because my beingness is asked to sit and BE here. It feels shitty. I have been a crying mess all mornning already. Breathe, listen to the music. Show me. Feel into it all Gwynnie—this is you truly.  In all the uncomfortableness you thrive—you always have.  Is this my cross to bear? The employees are masked and miserable.  They are so anger.
  I must be soooo angry deep within me.

Cry through it all.

A stadium — I have always felt best on the court, playing the game. Being a spectator I thought was for all those who were not really willing to risk anything or have fun. AND when being a spectator, I would be the loudest, cheering the players on. Thought: Satanic ritual—those fuckers creating fuckery and false joy for all. I am not impressed. Everyone I might have ever felt inspired by out there in the world is a fraud. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, the Virgin Mary, Frida Kahlo, Madonna, anyone I looked up to!!
I am probably a HUGE FRAUD. 
Oh—there it is!! Go with that one Gwyn. Probably best to go to the car to work through this one. 
YOU ARE SUCH A FRAUD…

Invert the image, you are not a spectator or the one battling on the court, Gwynnie. You are the soul soaring above observing it all. How does it feel? What does it look like? Where is the efforting — in your head thinking stuff through. Just observe. Find a ledge and sit there taking it all in. How long must I sit here to integrate and find the pure channel that allows me to move freely between it all?    

Thank you Open for speaking about crypto.  There is a fine-line dance between listening to the inner talk of putting oneself down for decisions that appear like failure on the outside coupled with the knowing that the flow and soul have actually created the motion of action.  That intuitive nudge. That faint voice of confirmation. The signs and inevitable truths showing up in the daily.  So often if there isn't a great banner of confirmation we start to dig holes and build walls that appear necessary to protect us from some mistake and failure our EGO is egging along.

You also mentioned "manifesting... without imposing on others" OMG that feels like my whole life at the moment. The yearning for it ALL, the knowing it is right there, the surrendering into EVERYTHING that seems to go against the societal groove. I spoke of sobriety and I am realizing I can give myself a break right here and now.  The sobering moment when I KNOW with all my  that my dream is being realized!!  Trust the whole shebang Richard Rudd has said. 

 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt ! 

I can also step proudly and firmly with confidence onto the bridge building construction team. And WITH a team--I believe we need that more and more these days. Building a bridge is nearly impossible by yourself unless it is a simple and easy plank across the brook. My inner child has fun playing with those kinds. Nope, we are talking beautiful new paradigm, galactic suspension bridge.  All hands on deck from your inner guides to your outer cohort. 

Wow that’s quite a question. For me there was a certain blankness just contemplating it before anything landed. The repetitive theme in this lifetime seems to be a sense of abrupt visceral betrayal - of going from states of joy and connectiveness and wonder into sudden shock and trauma. It seems like the initial “blankness” in the inquiry was a cover for a feeling of futility or pointlessness that no matter how well things may be going it is always just a moment away from sudden trauma. 

This is a wonderful exploration and I am enjoying reading others experiences and relating to so much here!

I feel a mix of things, I can totally relate to the meaningless, pointlessness … a sense of futility in creation.

A big one is that what feels real and beautiful and harmonious (an idealistic sense of existence) is not possible here...that is the continuous sense that feels crushing and de-motivating. What feels important and matters to me does not have a place and does not matter to others. (not actually true...but this is the experience which brings up the feelings)

The feeling that there is no place for me in a worldly sense… I feel connected to place in nature and listening to music and with kindred spirits … but when it comes to feeling part of the 3D tapestry it brings up a lot of feelings of isolation, disability, and panic…. The sense that I don’t fit here and often imagine how it would feel to be a bird or a tree… existing without the question of where do I fit?  I can sense and be in this place of existence without questions or action… and yet there is some invitation to be part of this 3D world… I am here after all! 

Your question, Open, 'What is your deepest wound?' has inspired a lot of exploration for me over the past couple of days.

I think for me it's feeling alone and abandoned. My dad, whom I was very close to, passed away a couple of years ago and strangely it was not the bereavement itself which I struggled with, but  the awareness that everyone and everything which I had ever loved and who had ever loved me were no longer in my life. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends, but somehow it doesn't feel the same as having someone 'special' in my life. I have done a lot of work on this and while the sense of aloneness is better than it was (fortunately I enjoy my own company), I cannot deny that it sometimes feels an uncomfortable place to be, even now.

Exacerbating this but, I think related, is the fact that my sense of connection to my soul, my team and my sacred ground of being comes and goes. Sometimes the connection feels quite strong and other times I can't seem to find it at all. That's the only time it really feels lonely (aloneness and lonely are two different things for me). My head knows I am part of the One so I 'shouldn't' need anything else, but when I can't connect to my essence that knowledge doesn't ease the pain much.

I have an awareness of one, or possibly two past lives which feel relevant  (I'm not sure if they were the same life or not). One of these felt like I was within a machine with no sense of humanity (I know humanity is the wrong word, but it's the best I can find) and that felt repulsive - like finding a big slug in your shoe. The other memory is of being trapped within something (machine, suit or something similar holding me there) and having no sense of 'I' or my soul, just an awareness of black nothingness that felt eternal.

I keep working with all this brings up, but exploring the question has made me join the dots and realise that these are probably related and that this is probably my deepest wound.

Namaste

Pam

No one is on my team.

Everyone is against me.

No one hears me.

I am just not that important.

Hence, I do everything in my powers to be there for my children. They are so very important. I said yes to bringing them into this world KNOWING whatever is coming down my birthing canal is made of stardust and extraordinary.

I am present for all those I encounter feeling deeply convicted that the kindness and grace I bring in every interaction, the other has felt how important they are in that moment. I so love connecting and going deep in the moment.

And I seem to forget myself in the midst of it all. I don’t feel neglectful. I don’t feel needy. I just don’t shine the attention onto myself in a way that I feel is worthy. I don’t even think I know how or what it could possibility feel like — full, unadulterated self importance — wow! What the hell is that?

In the shadow of my father. Not fully embraced by my mother. And then falling into the “clan” of family mingling about feeling a part of a whole group but not fully honored or praised for being me.

Life on planet earth is hard. It actually sucks and is very painful. So for half a century I have been able to keep myself from FULLY incarnating.  I have touched on it. I have others express it to me. I feel it when I sing and dance and laugh.  I can be present, willing and able to meet you here. BUT doing that stuff alone is scary stuff.  Why the hell would I come here to do all that hard stuff on my own?!?  And how quickly I was let down by people I thought I could trust and loved me. What a fucking silly dilemma I got myself into in Oct of 1970.

Pam, I hear you on the alone.  Betrayal rings a bell as well, Eric.  Jen, how to NOT fit in to fit in—not really sitting well with the disconnection.

Open has been holding the mirror up called BRUTALLY HONEST.

I am working with the word SOBRIETY.  I feel that my innocent honesty and willingness to openly trust only to be totally steamrolled or thrown under numerous buses leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Honesty has kicked my butt.

Being sobered up though, that I can sit with.  I can recall the numerous drunken nights in my early years and feeling the pain in the morning.  Real feelings of nausea, headaches, ridiculous talking, fuzziness and exhaustion.  Somehow, I can feel into the grace of sobriety. The blessing of returning to purity.  Its a crystal clear moment like an ice bath or deep sigh after being so raw after shedding a waterfall of tears. Its a sobering moment when there is $13.42 in the bank acct or totally accepting that I will never be with my children day to day as I thought it would be so long ago.

I don’t often look forward to those sobering moments.  In fact, I have numerous ways to turn off the spotlight headed for them; create stories and distractions to preoccupy me for eternity it seems.

When I do open up and allow the sobriety to come a callin’, when I feel supported and safe to crack open the chill of getting brutally honest, there is always joy and sighs of relief on the other side.

I have childlike optimism that there is a tipping point —a place of no return that once I have sat with sobriety long enough a gift will surface. That downpour of never-ending peace and love I have heard of will shower me once and for all.

#COREWOUND     #NOTINKANSASanymore

When I signed that contract I asked for first class and unlimited champagne NOT a cross to bear called CoreWound sitting in the aisle seat. I forgot to read the fine print or something.