Hi Open,

It's been a brutal year of revelations. Not just about what's been going on around me and what I got myself into, but how I created it. Despite fogginess and blind spots, which turns out are not all just my own level of unconsciousness but put on, memories come to show me how I'm getting just what I asked for. My being less has informed how life is being to me now. Part of me wants to weep in despair "why have I done this to myself???". Another wants to take advantage of the opportunity to work on becoming what I've always wanted to be. But it's so hard, especially when self-pity was learned early to provide relief where relief could be found nowhere else. When I realize how deviant and corrupt I've been, it makes what's going on a bit easier to bear. But overcoming victim mentality is proving to be a formidable challenge I can't seem to overcome. Not without help anyway, for which I'm immensely grateful by the way. It's just I need to be able to hold my own, stand on my own two feet. Be able to lift myself out of the pit without feeling the need to get help or emotional support outside of myself. And I still don't know quite how to equalise with it. I'm not even sure if I should equalising with the event itself or my reactions to it. And the wearing down of my energy. Do I see it as an opportunity to spend more inside myself? Because even though there is lots of interference, I've been finding that I can still connect, if only a little and only for a moment, and having to do something novel like tone by the lake, focussing on the corresponding element as I go through each chakra. I can't help notice the irony of a life spent numbing and putting myself to sleep now finds me regularly fighting off somnolence (put on) when all I want is clarity and alertness. The irony of avoiding myself and now I finally want to connect and I'm blocked at every turn. It took a takeover for me to finally start investing in myself. So how I can I be angry about that when it's all been for my best? I just don't know how to endure the events. Maybe it's because I'm still too identified with the physical? I'm coming to accept the vulnerability of my unconscious parts while sleeping. Whatever's done to me I still make the conscious choice when I'm awake so that has somewhat eased the shame of powerlessness. Working it through helps me understand being the mind how ego clings to needing to be superior to everything and not letting that go is where the pain is. I let that go and i can see how it doesn't define me. I'm still that whisper of magic despite any violations to my person. But I still struggle with it and especially when I'm awake. What can I specifically do during an attack to get deeper in my self while still experiencing it fully to give myself the chance to break through it? How do I stop getting in my own way? Stop taking it personal and lowering into resentment and vindictiveness? Which I now see is the same lifelong dynamic as with my sisters.