My odd thoughts...

Nobody said that the path of the carrier of light will be easy, not at all. There are times when we feel tired, exhausted, disappointed and frustrated with all this world, pulled down by the feelings of pointlessness and uselessness. And yet there is something that is calling us to continue on this difficult journey, because this is the path of our soul. In this video (not mine) which came to me last week I find the metaphorical expression of that difficult path of a carrier of light. It inspired me...

With love ❤️

Asya

Well, I do not remember how long but know that long enough I was feeling the internal resistance and I've been doing for a while the inner work to overcome that resistance. It felt is easing many times and then coming back again all those weird thoughts 'What's the point?' and 'Nobody will be watching' or 'Nobody will pick up all those subtle details expressed in a form of symbolism that my soul is picking up and perceiving'...

Now I feel liberated from all this resistance and ready to share with some modest excitement my short films I am making with such a passion and joy. Here is the first one released about a month ago. Another will be released within few days, I hope :) And more drafts and ideas are on the way. And I am just letting it flow...

With love <3

Asya

For quite a while I was sitting on the edge of the star‘s beam, gently and little carelessly swaying my legs hanging down, watching ever new to me constellations emerging from the boundless space.

„Booom!“ Suddenly some irresistible force blows me away from my star and immerses me in a cold, unrecognizable dark space where there is no light. „Where am I? Where the light disappeared? I can‘t see anything! Which way to break? How to get out of here?“

After the shock subsides a bit I understand that I‘m only wasting my energy while internally wandering and trying to find an orientation in that dark space.

„Calm down“ – the inner voice says. „Soften internally and face up the darkness. There is no other way out of here than the one you will illuminate yourself“.

„Okay. Lets be this. Lets sit in the darkness.“

„But what if I am the darkness self? – continued. What if I always was her? What if that light which I was sitting in on my star was just an illusion?“

„Okay. Lets be darkness. Lets identify with her. What the darkness is feeling? How is she living?“

„Ooouuuch! It‘s painful, so painful! What is that pain? It‘s a headache, such mad, unstoppable headache...“

“You are in a trap of the mind. You’re trapped in your thoughts”.

Thoughts. Gosh! Where are so many of them from?! They do not let me breathe in fresh air, they make me suffocate. They do not leave me even for a second, neither at the day nor at the night. Impossible to rest from them even while sleeping. The endless flow of thoughts seems like the longest train with heavily loaded wagons rumbling on the railroad tracks that are laid all over my being. That rumble obscures my consciousness even when my body is trying to rest during the nighttime. Will this ever end? My mind is hijacked. My soul is hijacked! By the shadow.

„Welcome to the Fourth dimension.“

„Am I a thought? Okay, let‘s be the thought.“ This helps me to soften, yet the pain is still torturous. I cannot see the way in the darkness and through that veil of pain.

„Okay. Let‘s be that pain“.

The days are turning into weeks, weeks are turning into months...

„Maybe the light does not exist? Maybe it’s just an futile desire of us, humans, to see everything in the shining light? Why do we avoid seeing in the darkness? Why are we resisting to walk in the darkness, why are we so afraid to step into it? Is that pain really such unbearable?

„The fallen angel“ – whispers my consciousness.

„What is here to do with the angel?“ – I do not get as my being is inundated with a sense of pointlessness and helplessness. The trust in light and the faith in self sinks into the muddy water through which nothing can be seen. And yet the Divine is still sending me the signs... „The cleanse“ – she is whispering through them. Just few days later my body switches off itself and puts me on a bed for continuous eighteen hour sleeping and forced four-days full fasting. Thank you! What a blessing and relief – the cleanse of the mind. Never thought it could be such a pleasure. The body has it‘s own little mind and mine body somehow always knows what to do at the right timing. At the same time consciousness is rewarding me with some very significant dreams (one - Blue Star Kachina effect (subsequently supported by couple of blue star synchronistic signs while awake) and the other - huge dragon rising in the pinky sky and suddenly, as if it‘s been hit by some force, falling down back to where it was rising from). But the journey through the darkness continues and I just raise over the muddy water to catch a breath of fresh air and dive back into the „dark“ journey again.

That sense as if entering into the dark storage room to the ceiling stuffed with various old crap from the past which is not in use for the long time but also not causing any problems or difficulties, just laying there completely forgotten. I begin the journey back in time by pulling one thing at a time from this dark storage room, inspecting them to see if it is of any use, if it needs to be healed, and throwing away through my shoulder. The old crap is fast melting and into the freed space the light begins to penetrate.

Is that moment when you realise something and with the open mouth inhaling whisper to self „Aaaahhhh!“ A good month later the image of „Fallen angel“ comes back – „Lucy“! Oh my..! Am I given the honour to look into the eyes of Her majesty Darkness?..

The light begins to penetrate into the darkness within my being after this grand realization happens and I, feeling all its greatness, raise my hand showing a stop gesture to the light shouting „Not yet! It‘s not the time yet for the darkness to disappear.“ I haven‘t reached the farthest and darkest corners of my storage room. I want to know Her better, I want to merge with Her in all my being and only then I can farewell, but knowing to the depths of my bones that She is here within me, majestic but not intimidating, suffering but compassionate, causing pain but loving.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write it. I am still deeply crying when wake up in the middle of the night, feeling Her presence and feeling my heart full of respect and love to Her. She is the Teacher and it‘s been my honour to know Her. Then I‘ll let Her go.

And the journey continues...

...Looking down within self. It must be the feeling of guilt that I buried deep within. So deeply that cannot even remember it.

 💜

I realised the correlation between the two - the more lonely I feel,  the more time I spend meditating. In other words, when there comes a sense of loneliness into my room I feel very comfortable sitting in long meditations (couple of hours) or meditating more frequently. I guess this comfort is just an enjoyment of the company with self... Something like, feeling lonely but comforted by that one who is lonely. And my wonder is whether becoming okay with the sense of lonelines may be the way to fulfilment? 

Any reflection very welcome 🙏🏻

May you all be blessed with love 🧡

🌺 Asya