All of your postings have provided me with a deeply mind blowing epiphany regarding one of my life experiences that has had me baffled for some time now. When a recent return of cancer took over my life, again, I meditated upon what I could do to fill my soul just in case this was my last chance. I wanted to do something that I loved that I had not done in a long time and decided to audition for a play. I used to be very good at acting and even found myself the subject of my State's front page of the newspaper. I used to have confidence in my skills and I LOVED doing it so much! In the audition, however, I completely froze up and became a robot, merely "reading" the script...even then, I usually enjoyed reading, the words became a whisper and I am not even sure if they were coming out. A tightness filled my complete being and I felt like the blood had drained from my body. I could not understand what was happening and I sat down, after it was (thankfully) over, and just stared into space. For some reason, either taking pity on me or recognizing my soul's need...or even they desperately needed the help, lol!, they hired me as their Stage Manager. I put my whole heart and being into the job. During the course of being the stage manager, I had the opportunity to play the parts of those whom could not make it to the rehearsals and, in some cases, I brought them to tears with my powerful contributions. I thought that I had gotten over this paralyzing fear that overtook me during the first audition, I was in remission from the cancer, so I decided to do another audition. I had the EXACT same response. This time those in the room were my friends and I STILL could not move or even breathe as the blood left my body again. When I sat down this time, however, I was now omniscient of the scene and "observing" the experience. Again, I was asked to be a stage manager. My ego tried to decide for my higher self that I must just be better at stage managing and that I am not meant to act anymore, even though it fills my soul and, as you said Anastasia, I love "trying on identities". The act of acting allows me to become something new and exciting while remaining honest and authentic within my self, my being, me.

Your experiences and synchronicities, especially "I died here today", sparked some DEEEEEP feelings within me and while reading these posts I cried like a baby, wailing even. Prior to reading this, I had set that all aside. In experiencing the blossoming awakening phase that I have been going through I thought that my desire to act did not matter any more and could not figure out why I needed to continually set it aside rather than just be at peace with the fact and move on, like I was able to do with almost everything else recently. I read the advice that Open gave you and decided to sit with it and move through this "death" that had gotten me all bound up. The word "surrender" would not stop repeating in my mind's eye and it even showed up in letters behind my eyes. I let myself sob for what seemed like forever. I am still not sure what it all means, why I needed this, but so far as I can tell it has something to do with the "death" of my old way of being. With my newly accepted light, perhaps I am meant to pursue acting from a different angle/angel? I will not know until it is my time to "know" or until it naturally "happens", but I am filled with gratitude for your inspiring the processes to begin. I sit in loving meditation for your journey as well in hopes that your answers are free flowing and all encompassing and that your light shines brightly through your performances!

I usually free write after meditations, in my journal, and I wrote this last night (11 hours ago, and prior to my reading your posts)...perhaps it was meant for this journey of surrender????? I offer it to you in hopes that it shines some light upon you in any way that is of benefit to your journey...