Ray 1:

About the ray 1 - During the 'collapse' maybe something is still missing or interrupting so the soul can't fully take over. Maybe in my case I move back through traumatic disconnections, as well as some karmic material, step by step, so until all of it is integrated it is not yet possible, so I get these gradual deconstructions moving through unconsciousness. It is getting 'better' every time. There is more and more awareness, presence, connection and depth of experience. In my every day life ray 1 is rather dormant, I get a feeling there is a deeper reason for it, so I don't try to activate it intentionally. There is this process of further breaking of the resistance and defence mechanisms, as well as further exploration and alignment of feminine aspect, and probably in the meantime ray 1 comes through only when needed, like when there are arrangements or some actions to take. It just wakes up, takes me through the activity and then goes to sleep again. I am learning that if I let go, some wave will just pick me up and take me through the day, it is okay. I don't feel very lively, passionate or motivated, but I definitely flow. For the last several years I feel I walk through a thick fluid, there is not much light there at all, but I keep moving through it and learning within it. So I guess it is okay. The worm is slowly digging through the ground...

The bow:

While doing the bow I felt so sad and I cried the whole meditation. There was a feeling of failure in love throughout my whole life, then deep guilt about the tail of dramatic mess that was my life so far, and the sense of powerlessness - I could see how there was nothing I could do against it. A slave to automatism, a result of upbringing, conditioning and symptoms of trauma, including disassociation and disconnection, and then deeper and deeper layers that just built all the circles for me to move along and unravel. So much pain and so much trash. It is no wonder it takes decades to dig and dig and dig and find more and more stuff. Is there a bottom? Then there was a sense of being so tired from all this and hopeless. Out of that arose a deep sense of surrender of control. The realisation I've been struggling my entire life to get somewhere, to reach some final state, to find peace, to succeed, all my efforts during 20 years and all my spiritual work during the last decade were just an attempt to alleviate the suffering, fear and pain, I was struggling to grasp on something that came so natural to me when I could just experience the moment, 'accidentally'. I just felt completely out of control, and all this tightness and pain of the tense body that reflects the truth. Then I felt into that, how I was always trying to numb this physical pain and discomfort of physicality or escape it rather than listen to it. I thought I can control it with food and yoga and meditation, be healthy and feel great. And here I am, dealing with all THIS, the reality. In the end of meditation I felt more expanded and there was a deep sense of comfort, sadness and being okay with it. I could relax into the tightness and connect with myself. And I could cry. Thank you <3

Questions:

1. I feel that the main thing is that I don't want to be disturbed, and when I am, I feel a disproportional reaction, exhaustion and tightness and suffering. For example, there was a knock on my door at 8 am today. I usually get up around 11. So somebody woke me up. I was so angry. It took me some time to accept this and work through all the reaction. Or, for instance, when random people ask me questions on the street I can't make myself reply, I just stand there silent.

Then there is this need in maximum inactivity - just extreme laziness, resting in awareness and doing the very minimum. The rest feels like noise. I've been putting myself into the noise for a very long time, I found my presence in it, so it doesn't seem like avoidance, but rather a phase. On the other hand, I do cling on it, partially because I know what awaits me if I allow all that noise in and got quite saturated and have had enough of it.

2. I can't accept that there will be always pain and discomfort and that I can't control how my life will go and for how long and what is going to happen, how I am going to feel and how I will affect people around me (this is the biggest one). I just don't know any of it. I work to gradually embrace it. Another thing - is my mom getting old. I can't digest the idea of her getting weaker and sicker and eventually, one day, going away. Too much... I can't accept that I don't control how and at which pace my spiritual and personal growth is happening. I've had many 'hopes' and expectations in the past, I used to be very excited, but it became obvious that something much bigger than me is at work and that I really have no idea and that it is actually to stay and not something to 'do' until some result. This is truly a never-ending story. I am glad that it is so. But some part of me is sad and disappointed about it. I am not a hero I thought myself to be. I am a very lucky ant in a pile of ants though, or a molecule in an infinite sea of other molecules and learning to be grateful for my part in all this movement, whatever my role in all of this is. I want to hope there is some usefullness to my existence and not only mess and damage. It is a question why I need that. Why is it not enough for me to accept that I am here, now, and it is enough.

3. Communication and relationships - I feel exhausted and very sad, so sad I don't want to even ever try again. I know that I need to work through all this disappointment, disbelief that it is possible for me to harmoniously connect with other humans, find some balance and try again and again... Without fantasies, pretence, compromise, all that generated type of relationships. I admit I don't know how it is formed in an organic way. There is so much artificial way of connecting, so much noise, so many distortions and triggering, that it seems almost impossible to fully relax and enjoy and flow. On the other hand it is not something to look for. But if I keep hiding like I do now, the world is not going to know I am here :) I just play dead haha It cannot work for long. At some point I am going to have to raise my head above the water. It is just that every time I do I get hit by dinosaurs and overwhelmed :) More frustrating and disparaging is to observe what I am becoming in those interactions, when I get stirred too much and lose my ground.

Then there is this subject of sex. The way the majority do it is completely irrelevant. I got tired of it. I don't even know whether I should let it go completely and forget about it. But it is definitely something to look at, as it causes me nausea to recall all these experiences. I just don't want to have more of those, and something different looks like impossibility, so I am going to have to explore this topic in some unconventional way. I also feel very vulnerable in this aspect because of all the experiences over the last 3 years, all 'hitting' under the belt. Just really not into density anymore. Time for some healing and uplifting experiences.

Then there is this whole contemplation on what minimalism is to me, I am still digging into this challenge and there are many more levels to go. I feel things are going to change but still don't have a direction. I work to let go any 'constraints' about it, ready to flow. This year I have learned with how little I can survive, and I know there is more to let go of. So will keep exploring it and the fear and ideas and limitations around it. I have this clinging to stuff, since childhood, it is activated too these days, also this vagueness around what I really need and what expresses my true self and what serves the outdated pieces that fall apart. But I just know that what I need will stay or recover itself. So taking a leap of faith here awaits.

Thanks again for making it possible to join!

<3