Hi Open,

thanks for this invitation and I would be very grateful to get some reflection about this one. I've worked a lot with sense of betrayal, guilt, not finding the space for myself in this life/society, especially in last years of my awakening quest... What came to me strongly in these days is the word avoidance and I was guided to review part of my writing from three years ago.

"My way of expressing all that I feel has been obiously hidden in order to protect what is sacred. However I feel that it's safe now to clear the dust in my spiritual closet and open it for the sake of sharing all that is inside. When I was able to restore the threads to my own portal and awaken to all that is there I was shaken by the magnificence and light that is ingrained in my own being. I feel so much joy to pursue the truth of my own being and surrender to my own divine guidance. Times that we live in are safe enough to make the next step in awakening the collective consciousness and I fell honoured to dedicate myself to serve my innermost passion of sharing the luminous essence of beings that we all are."

Well, I still don't feel safe in expressing my own truth. Most of the times, I look for a ways to somewhat soften or plaster additional layers of misconception around it. When it comes to most of "human interactions" a part of me is looking to escape and not having to deal with the confusion/surprise that arises in another, if I am to honestly share my perspective. It feels that the diplomat (ray4) is nicely engrained in my personality, so I don't have problems in connecting with others. Yet, compromising the biggest part of myself that yearns for depth, feeling sense of connection and authenticity is blocked in big ways... This is what usually stops most desires for further connection. It helps me to express the yearning of my being through writing, because it tends to create more space/time that the perspective might get processed.

Nevertheless this sense of "perfection" is so alive with me, that my way of living, tools of meditation and daily processing assist me in touching the sacred ground of being very often. It's a good way to keep myself sane and be on the safe track with my motivations. Yet in my daily endeavours it might many times build to impatience that builds to frustration. I often come to this conclusion that others simple don't get me, and who am I even to be telling them what's the right thing to do? No one has truly asked for guidance, and another messaih might once again lead the world on the wrong track of looking for the "outer savior"...

I've somehow accepted that there is a capacity within me to always find broader awareness about any given situation and connect the dots towards the whole. It feels like assisting in the process of creation through minimizing the need/feeling of growing pain. So what am I avoiding in life and within myself?

The acceptance that "other souls" prefer to discover their true essence through opting for painful deaths and suffering?

The realization, that the decision of my "higher-dimensonal Self" to loose myself on this plane of existence has been made with arrogance - not knowing what am I really getting into?

The fear of facing the possible wrong-doing of my own (past)decision, discovring my own fall from Grace?

The obvious nature, that I am currently living "human life" with all the limitations and possibilities that it entails, yet I am striving to continously "upgrade" the experience?

Or maybe just the fact, that I am lost in my own shadow of progresively building trust towards the Universe/Life through my own "inner guidance", and tend to impose it to the world around me?

In my own "transcendental vision of things" I tend to get lost in order to escape the inevitable. The complexity of being a human, separation from my "Soul family", wish for reconnection and the fact that I can not (yet) fly with my current physical vessel. I miss flying...

This sense of flying is probably not my deepest wound, nevertheless it felt worth mentioning here as well. It might soften my feeling that I might be to weird/persecuted for sharing other things as well. Thanks for creating this space and the endeavours to read through my own creative expression.