Thank you for the reflection Open. 🙏🏼

You asked “is the sense of failure related to not getting something done?”

Yes, I think a lot of what provides some inner torment is the internalized cultural conditions especially around the role of mother and the perceptions of my capacity as a whole and in contribution to life…

I have been sort of held in this role longer than expected, one child having long term medical challenges… and in this I’ve been invited to break down the need to achieve something else, break down the need to fix him, help him, "save him" or me … there were no answers that could take it all away… only coming to terms with it… accepting that this is how it is with all the feelings it stirs…deep down I feel the inner blame still for his experience, that I could have done something that might have prevented this … although I realize it is what we both need on a soul level… that it’s here for this exact reason… to break down my need to have answers, fix it, remove the obstacles….it’s softened these edges greatly.

I see this has all been composting this unrealistic idealism that was out of touch with the real grit and messiness of 3 D experience. Everything can’t be fixed (by me) - nor is meant to… of course it’s our co-creation and if it was perfectly harmonious and utopian it wouldn’t flush out everything that isn’t. This all still being wrung out as a feeling experience… but the awareness of the dynamic is there and helpful.

I seem to naturally be very idealistic… which leans into perfection and judgement, and stirs efforting and control when life, or myself or those around me don't meet this ideal (twisted by the internalized conditioning/expectations). However I also see the beauty and gift in holding the sense of idealism in my heart while life strips away the need for things to be different, meet any expectation or perfect on the outside …this holding of a beautiful harmonious energy can create change.

thanks all for listening ❤️