Looks like super cool retreat!!! The short video with kids made me laugh.

...

It's been two days since I started experiencing the familiar pressure/pain in the chest.

This time it is about feeling enslaved within a structure, almost buried, being forced to do something I don't want and not being able to be free and flowing.

This is so sensitive that even when I feel somebody is building a perception of me or I can sense there is any expectation of me - even that makes me feel under pressure and suffocating.

On the other hand, there is an exploration of boundaries, repetitive cycles and rhythms, that also can be experienced as traps, but are actually necessary and I work to find out what serves and what is benevolent and what is a rigid form of control and order. It is like if I let go then things just don't get done, I lose all energy, I just want to meditate and lie down the rest of the time. But I have to go to work, I started yoga teacher training a week ago. And I am like "what the hell is going on?". It is very hard to function, the body won't move, so heavy and tired, yet I get up and go. One of the things that help is to create blocks of activity - here's yoga and meditation block in the morning, here's shower, getting dressed and getting out to work block... as if my life is turning into a pyramid itself - building blocks all over the place.

There is something stabilising in 'structured realities', but this stability has a price too - it comes on the account of freedom and flexibility. When I look a the pyramids I see stability, but on the other hand it looks purely functional structure, there is no creativity or expression in it - it is like a huge block of stone. Magnificent, but still just a triangle.

I rarely have visuals when processing karma, I just feel things, so I feel rather blind to what is happening, what got activated. What is going on??

So I am just exploring...

What is the difference between a benevolent rhythm and controlled structure that enslaves and suffocates the soul?

How would free life and free society look and feel like? How then harmony is achieved? For this everybody needs to be enlightened and fully trusting each other so that harmonious co-creation can happen. This will never happen for humans on earth. I feel like crying and a sense like I failed and like this is not the first time I fail. Epic huge major failure. Why did I come here if I eventually didn't make any difference? Disaster kills everybody anyway again before any harmony and resolution is achieved. Why repeat this again and again? Why am I here now? The only answer that I am here to sit with my stuff and feel it. Simple. No purpose, no agenda, no promised results, no nothing. Just feel and keep going. At least for now...

Will be grateful for any insight.

Love,

Yulia