First I need to ask: what do you mean by "dissolving the soul" please? I wanted to mention how I've discovered that small, infrequent use of marijuana has benefited me greatly as I tend to, through a tough situation, get tighter and tighter to the point I'm bottling energy and finding it very hard to release it. MJ helps me release and face the truth of my feelings. I find one to two puffs a month has been working for me. I do tend to start over-using, but the urge gets less and less over time. I'm just so intensely exhausted. Yes I get the situation is an opportunity for learning and the fact that it has indeed improved; like the lesson went from gladiator to super Mario Brothers, but jeez when do I get a freakin break! Had a good cry and begging everything benevolent to help me get rid of all this ugliness from me so I wouldn't have to be around it so much. I'm saturated by it, steeped in it, filled to the brim with it. The toxicity and ugliness ooze out of my pores; I reek with it. I am still so fucking angry at my sisters even as I know I projected all the shit onto them that my parents projected onto me, whom I also feel rage towards. I'm so sick and tired of walking on egg shells and people pleasing and having to use anger as a defence mechanism because people are so inconsiderate and disrespectful of boundaries but my stupid ass didn't want to offend them or deal with their anger so i let them walk all over me, but then they get mad anyway when I finally can't do it any more. I would rather be alone than deal with neediness and stalking. Which i very much do as well. Like the know-it-all, don't look stupid at any cost but then you make a fool of yourself any way. Sigh. It really sucks being an asshole. Well, half asshole half decent person. My lesson is to calmly and respectfully state my boundaries and not react if there's backlash, but just trying to remembered to breathe and focus on the breath is hard enough; I'm battle-worn and full of jumpy nerves, anxiety and irritability from 4 years of this. Well, my whole life, just not this intense and almost constant. I will admit though I could have spent more time on the path instead of avoiding through food and MJ and screens. Maybe I'd be handling this better. All pleasure, joy, magic is fading. Feels like I'm dying. Just don't know if I'm cut out. I think Alzheimer's is people like me who are still afraid to die, are comfortable where they are even though a part of them yearns for freedom and adventure, and all the joy is fading from life and they're so tired of always being afraid, they just start fading away. That's how I feel sometimes. I don't want to give up. It's just such hard work. I don't know how to relax and surrender. I don't know how to stop, how to do nothing, think nothing. I feel like a maniac. Being bipolar doesn't help, especially when you're addicted to the mania. I'm not strong. I keep second-guessing myself. I don't feel SELF. And I don't feel any connections. It's sad to say I could only connect to my pets and those I became obsessed with, which was always toxic. Anyway, getting over that at least. So much of what was said on this site is proving true, but I never wanted to believe I might not be up for it. But there is a chance I may not be, and it's something else I may have to forgive myself for. This rant has made me feel a bit better, thanks for listening. Barb💙