Hi Open,

Currently without a subject. That sums up for a large part where I am now. I am reminded of a numbero f thnigs, including, just now, my incessant and compulsive habit of looking back on what I typed and correcting it. It takes me a lot of effort to not correct that blaring typo and I have, in fact, corrected two subsequent typos in order to not 'appear as if I'm doing it on purpose' and am in fact typing slower to prevent myself from having to

wow that was a mindblur that brought me completely off track. It was an interesting observation how piling reasoning upon reasoning slowed me down to such a degree that there was nowhere to continue and how the desire to avoid such a situation catapults me off into the 'just don't bother' distortion. I leave this in because it may be a useful reflection to others.

I am brought into many situations where I have to confront ego constructs, including the feeling that I am all alone now. How do I fare when my hand is not held? How will I be when the signs and synchronisities are no longer trumpets and neon signs? But instead cryptic scribblings out there in what may or may not be the fog? At first it felt like abandonment and in some ways it still does, I remember so much has happened in the past two years, 'receiving gifts' and now they are 'taken away'. It takes time for the question 'what have I done wrong/am I doing wrong?' to whither away and the realization that the only 'wrong' in this is the resistance I am offering. There is plenty going on right now that just screams DON'T RESIST at such a low volume that I am forced to allow such subtleties, in other words don't resist not resisting.

The main issue at play right now is that there has only been a removal of people from my life and no addition except for one and I've only seen/spoken to him once in the past few months :) but that's alright, neither of us felt the need. After reading this article it feels like this is part of gateway 2, it feels like the removal of distorted relationships should be replaced by alligned relationships to fill the void so to speak, but I've come to realize that in thinking like that I am acknowledging that vacuum as something that needs to be filled by other people.

Still, there is a crushing feeling of loneliness on a daily basis. I don't mean all day, but every day there is at least one such moment. Ever since coming back from Cae Mabon there is this pull of going at it by myself for now, it felt like what you described in the lead article as 'this can't be aligned so I won't do it' or something like that, but there was still this inner knowing that it felt like everything else I have done on this path, including what brought me to Openhand in the first place when at the time that felt like a crazy thing to do. So just that it feels crazy is no reason to not do it.

The past two months have been a roller coaster for sure and I may share it in another post, I will summarize here as reestablishing a firm contact with the base and losing all sense of direction.

After that whole post, if there is anything you feel to reflect I would be grateful.