During these days it is one of the main things I am looking at.

Where is the choice?

I have these moments when I go completely blacked out, and then I feel as if somebody wakes me up.

There are days when I sink and no matter what I do nothing helps, I am just lost and I learned to accept these moments and not prefer them to being dissacociated or centered, etc And there are days or moments when I am completely 'there'.

And what is the most striking - I am HUMAN! I can really experience it now. I get angry, I get blinded, I get lost, confused, become silly out of sudden and can't get obvious things.

And I feel this is not my choice. And so what does it mean lighten up?
All my life things just happened to me. I was awakened. I was brought to study chemistry. Whatever I did I feel I didn't chose. It just happened. And often I feel that all my inner work has nothing to do with my evolution. It is like it would happen this or the other way. I was and still am completely driven through his life. How is now different? I don't see it, can't see it.

And the second question is about this whole system. I see it as some big game to play to resolve something, whatever it is.

I was hating and fighting Matrix, conditioning, the entrapment all my life. I wanted absolute freedom. Only that now, when I thought I am finally almost there, almost ready to get out - to find that I should actually stay and only START finally doing what I was meant to do all my life - play with it fully and resolve all that stuff that I am carrying. The irony.

How does it work with the fact that 'we should let this denseness go' if in order to let it go, I feel I actually have to go into it and in a way rely on all these things that are not aligned with the new way, the new world?

And the last thing I wanted to say. While everybody was celebrating the birth, I know several star people who actually sit and cried during all the process, for days. What does it mean? Does it necessarily mean identification with the denseness dying out? Or is there something happening?

Thanks, Yulia