Hi Marije ,

Like Open & Nialet , i feel given to offer u my own humble reflections on loneliness and the multitude of opportunities that situation offers . I can feel deeply about your situation with all my heart because i have been there many times during my 20's & 30's & early 40's . during those 2 decades , i was not able to explore it since i did not have any proper tools to work with . Of course , as a maverick not meant to fit in this society and its multilayer set of conditionings , even trying hard to fit in would have not worked for me as i tried that as well . So , i was often left alone , at school and even during sport training camps - all the while i knew i was seriously gifted in anything i would touch in sport ( tennis , table tennis , football , wind surfing , badminton , gymnastics , skiing , just to name a few ) .That felt as a double sword edge to deal with , all the time . Oddly though , when i went to 2 english training camps down in Bournemouth ( south of the Uk ) , i would discover how much i was open to social connectivity, enjoying it & even the sense of loneliness would just vanish like it was never there . That only lasted like 2,3 weeks . When back to Belgium , that sense would creep in again , in the background of daily life . Nonetheless , one thing kept me feeling alive and that is the sense of passion for Music & sport & adventure . That must had began around 17 years old when i realized that . My first live music concert was in 1984 , in downtown Brussels . I will never forget it . The Cure were playing at the Ancienne Belgique concert hall and i was excited to attend & experience something new .

Even though living with a disconnected son - father relationship at that time , that passion for those 2 domains grew - chaotically , but it grew stronger as years went by . It was as if i was invited to hold on because there was a sense of belonging , connectivity and aliveness even a subtle sense of recognition of who i am ( uncompleted , distorted but Real ). Those 2 passions kept me , all the while feeling alone on multiple levels & suffering in silence , in my own unique groove . I know so well that i could even have become a seriously gifted Professional in one of those sports - without a doubt . My downfall to be that was the lack of my Father's support & my lack of inner confidence . No way that would have happened without those 2 essential ingredients .

I am so impressed at the confidence / willingness & passion some High level swimmers show today , in this unbalanced world , for what they truly love , at a very early age !!! I often follow their steps on their personal Journey go growth . Some are barely 15 , 16 , 17 , 18 years old !!! Staggering maturity at an early age . One of which won multiple Gold medals at the London 2012 Olympics . Her story is interesting as she lately declared that she went on suffering from depression at one point between 2014 & 2016 . She was always a bubbly smiling talented young girl up to that point ( probably keeping that bubbly shining mask until it came into a meltdown later on ) . It shows that , talent & recognition & winning gold medals dont necessarily prevent some layers to surface up later which need to be dealt with . A bunch of other talented Us swimmers went on expressing ( nearly publicly ) how they suffered from depression at one point - whatever were the rootcauses . 2 of those are returning back to their PASSION right now , in 2018 & i am so happy to see that they are following their heart - no matter the outcome & have asked for professional help to deal with depression . Thats why i keep an eye on how they grow & evolve - its so rewarding and they are part of my personal true inspirations . They troubled path reflect deeply on the importance to deal with the obstacle/root cause/symptoms until the newly refreshed sense of being offers them the " Green Light " again . I am sure they dont feel the same right now as they venture back into their life with this new sense of commitment .

On my own Journey, despite suffering from not exactly knowing why i was so often alone ( until my determination brought me to understand why ) , i kept a connectivity with my 2 passions - even if for some longer periods , i could not nourish myself with them properly . They were kept not far away ...waiting to be embraced again . I also met some beings that helped me through those very hard periods where loneliness / sense of abandonment / rejection would peak drastically & drag all my energies down back to depressive states . I tried all sorts of psycho-therapies around 2008 ( I had just passed a decade in term of age : 40 Years Old that is ) and synchronistically , thats when things got worse for a year , amplified , terrible !! from EFT ( emotional freedom technique ) to color therapy , Kriya Yoga first initiation , Thai massage initiation , Watsu , and even a dark spell remover i attempted !!! I also started regular swimming sessions on my won after i was given that suggestion by a Watsu ( shiatsu therapy within a swimming pool ) facilitator . That helped me connect to a former passion i had left aside . Jeeeeeeeeez , that was an insane period ....until a breakthrough came into play early 2009 in the most unexpected ways . A sudden radiant Full sense of Presence divinely appeared within on my way back to Belgium from India - when i entered the Chennai Airport !!! Wow , that was something special . I must say that Some relations made a difference as well , and i was able to be more grounded , focused on a few small projects ( i learned how to paint and could travel again ) . Although Some fears & anxiety weren't to disappear so quickly , the shift helped me be a bit more to be myself & i could open up myself to new opportunities to learn and move on .

Lately , i felt the pull to get back to one old passion : Drumming !! and take some essential courses with an expert during the summer time . Rightfully so , i also bought a native small tambourin drum for the " Divinicus " retreat . Cant wait to use it to get everybody into the groove of some out of this world alchemical ceremonies . I waited for that " green light " for a long time now .

Without those harsh periods , i would not be where i am today or conscious of where at am exactly right now . I am a ferm believer about connecting with our true passion(s) , giving time to them and not giving up + keeping the spiritual practices that work best like : nature connectivity , Birds singing bathing , Trees connection & communication , sport activity , Music concert , dancing , writing down what one feel grateful for in life , singing along with the best songs i love, taking time with oneself aside with any " Doings " , swimming , trying something new , honoring the pain as best as possible , avoiding self judgments & self loathing , reading an uplifting book / article / video , activities that uses our hands ability and the full body - spending valuable time with uplifting close ones , giving time to the whole period .

What would be that or those passions , dear Marije ,that u could connect with & feel a sense of Love for ? i am not saying it might 100% work for u as it did for me and others , but it might be worth exploring at one point this summer . It well might not be obvious right now , and thats okay , because i have experienced that as well when i was too much giving in into the pain and being identified with it .

I applaud your sheer honesty and sharing here , its all the worth & will help u breakthrough at one point .

Sending all my love & support , 💙

Jean Bluehopi