Thank you for your reply, Reka. So lovely to see a feedback in a reality that’s a complete chaos. What a lovely song :-) Thank you. I recognize Juliette Binoche in the video. I'd like to watch the full movie.

I find the Openhand forum very soothing recently as my life feels surreal and I simply don’t possess the vocabulary to express well what’s going on even to myself. I find similarities in other’s experiences that are described so vividly by many here and this connection feels encouraging. It’s going to sound anticlimactic, but I recently feel like my perception could be explained by a brain disorder. I feel like, having been to 4 Openhand gatherings, “I should know better”, but it had intensified so much lately and I’m not handling it very well. I think I’m just going to spill it out as it comes to me, for the sake of clearing my heart:

My reality at this moment in few short points:

- The pleasant part: I recognize myself in the world: in the cloud patterns, the sound of my harp, impatient waitress, the prairies horizon, the tea. It feels like I exist as an inhabitant of this body, but also as the external.

- Ancient distortions want to be held by my presence, but sometimes it’s just too many at the time and I feel like I’m just about to crash. Perhaps I should just explore crashing first... I don't want to be "brave" or "strong" anymore. Crashing sounds interesting, actually... although it is such a scary thought and I just want someone strong to hold me. Not gonna happen. I'm in this all alone. I feel an urge to disappear.

- Speaking of disappearing… some friends that I loved dearly suddenly are not there anymore. I had no time to process the loss as new people are entering my life and say things like “I was waiting for you to contact me. It seems it is the right time for you now to begin this lesson”.… Am I in a movie?! Is this for real?!

- I see dragons everywhere. I’ve been participating in a dragon (of course) qigong workshop and we are practicing for 5h a day. During the practice when I close my eyes I keep seeing a face of an Asian man. It’s always the same man, very friendly and looking at me intensely. He looks so familiar, but I’ve never seen him before!

- Looks like I’m also not quite in control of my body… in the evening during Aikido classes my body wants to change the techniques and adds, for example, an arm movement that really helps with a throw, but it troubles me that I’m unable to stop it (I am aware of the need to control my environment).

- Also, a new travel came up suddenly. I will be going to Asia in 3 days. This trip just materialized this week and felt totally impossible for a multitude of reasons. All obstacles just disappeared.

- Seemingly insignificant tasks and situations carry strong meanings: I just plugged my phone to a charger and had another revelation about my own energy circuits running from and to me. I have this urge to focus all my energy on things and people that provide feedback loop and eliminate those that don't.

This is all so strange that I sometimes feel like just giving up and feasting on cookies (sugar gets me desensitized), but then my reality feels like a movie and I really want to know what will happen next! The curiosity beats pretty much anything and gets me in trouble sometimes.

So, I’m riding this chaotic thunderstorm up and down on the back of the dragon, except I am the storm and the dragon is rising within me. It doesn’t even make logical sense, but it’s quite close representation of how it feels to be me at this very moment. And I am E X H A U S T E D.

Love to all Openhanders. Thank you for being.

Margaret