Today, the fear of “being mentally unwell” left and my being expanded. My “movie” state intensified and I now feel the rewiring happening more clearly. At the end of the day my whole body is buzzing.

This morning I drove for 3h one way to another town through the vast prairies. I left the house and just said: “Show me”. I started the car and a voice from my music player came on automatically (it was set on “random”): “If you get bogged down, I’d suggest that you simply keep going. Your resistance is the glue that holds your suffering together. It causes that you hold yourself back. It gives you an artificial sense of having control, while the opposite is true.”. This gave me a chill. I repeated the track, wrote it down and soaked in the message.

To get to the other town I had to follow the road signs for another town called … Swift Current, nice… At one point Ed Sheeran’s “I see Fire” played on the radio and I saw an industrial building off the highway literally on fire. Now, this felt a bit unsettling, but I let it go as well as I could and kept going towards Swift Current.

I stopped at a supermarket to get bananas for the road and thought “I’m really liking all these synchronicities” and I felt slight tightening/grasping. “Wow, I’m choking the flow, what do I do now?”… I looked up and a label said “soften”… My ego kicked in wanting to own some of the experience, the next sign said “Caution, Slippery!”. Slippery ground, indeed. Somehow I softened and didn’t trip at that point.

I bought myself a drink and sat at a coffee shop table (still at the supermarket). I thought about the Asian man, whose face I saw during the qigong meditation. His face is now burned into my consciousness and I see him via my 3rd eye most of the time. His image is overlaid over what I’m seeing via my actual eyeballs. I guess he’s here to stay and I like that. While sipping my drink I remembered yesterday’s Aikido practice. At one point my partner was a 3D Asian guy. We practiced a throw where I was supposed to fall backwards and I was resisting it so much (I do not like that fall as I feel I have no control over my body at all). My Aikido partner kept smiling and saying “you just need to arch your back and soften” then he actually arched my back and I fell and it was not that bad and we both laughed. That was actually a powerful message that I initially missed (probably because my nervous system was overloaded). I feel like exploring now how would it be to fall, not just fall, but to shatter completely. I really felt I was ready for it… and at that moment another sign came into focus “satisfaction guaranteed”.

So, I really felt relaxed about what was unfolding today and the reality reflected it back at me. The world seemed to be flowing out from me and rearranged itself depending on how I was being. This reminds me of an image where the energy comes out of the center core and flows up outwards in a sphere and comes back through the center and when it passes the core, it wants to spiral up through it. The oneness moments today, where I was the world and the world was me were truly touching. And each expression naturally unfolded into the next and a new state emerged to be then transformed again. Perfection.

I’ve noticed these moments of oneness eradicate blame, resistance and holding on to experiences. They just don’t make any sense anymore. At this moment, they don’t even exist. I have also realized today that instead of trying to direct, control or contain this energy that is flowing through me now, I just need to let it be. Maybe not even think about it.

The pain of coming into being in the human body is tainted with a divine homesickness, of losing this oneness we came from. Even the short moments of reconnection created very powerful states in me that seemed to reverse years of conditioning imprints. They revealed sparkling potential that allows form to manifest and the gentle humming of the mysterious organizing force that generates my reality. Was this humming coming from me?

I wonder what tomorrow will bring…

I’m very happy I opened up on this forum and the feedback loop keeps flowing through post-backs and personal emails and messages. Thank you Open, Mark, Reka and others for providing powerful feedback loops in these strange times. Thank you for holding the space and holding me up.

Margaret